Does anybody have any cruelty to animals jokes please?

Question

don't say its wrong or sick or whatever coz i'll report abuse coz i have asked for jokes, to whingy people making a fuss. and for the record i love animals, i just love the sick jokes more!

Answer 1

Teacher to class, today children we will be doing what noises animals make.

"Lucy, what do cows say?"

Lucy: "Moo, miss."

"Very good, Lucy. Ben, what do sheep say?"

Ben: "Baaaaaa, miss."

"Very good, Ben. Leroy what do pigs say?"

Leroy: "What's in the bag, *****?"

Answer 2

Long but well worth it.

How to give a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in bacon.

Answer 3

Hey I just put one on your last question, here it is again

How to make a cat sound like a Dog?

Pour petrol on it, light a match and woooofff

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I had a dog with no legs,

I called him f@g,

cos I used to take him out for a drag,

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you like he still wont come...............

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I used to have a blacksmiths dog,

If I kicked him up the @rse

he would make a bolt for the door.

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I trained my dog to do a new trick,

I chucked him on the fire and told him to get off........

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A Bear and a Rabbit were in the woods Talking about taking a cr@p,

The Bear asked the Rabbit "Does **** stick to your fur"

"No of course not" Replied the rabbit,

So the Bear picked him up, Took a dump and used the rabbit to wipe his @rse

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A s****t, a m*******t, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having s*x with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Lets have s*x with the cat and then torture it," says the s****t.

"Lets have s*x with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Lets have s*x with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have s*x with it again," said the necrophile.

"Lets have s*x with the cat, torture it, kill it, have s*x with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... then everyone turned to the m*******t and asked:

"So, what's it gonna be?"

To which he replies, "Meow!"

Answer 4

heard this when i was younger...

whats the best way to kill a cat?

bury him in the back yard with his head sticking out and run him over with the lawnmower.

Answer 5

Yeah I got one, What's the other way to skin a cat?

I've been using a hammer, and it's real messy!

Answer 6

yer come someone let have em

Answer 7

John:  It's raining cats and dogs.

Jane:  I know.  I just stepped in a poodle.

Answer 8

whats green and red and green and red and green and red...

frog in a blender