Does anyone's else's spouse act like this.... how do you overcome it - work through / around it...?

Question

I am trying to be more active (I could stand to trim down some). My wife has encouraged this. However, I have tried to make plans for day trips, hikes, camping, etc... that would get me (and the family) outdoors and being active. We have two boys age 7 and 1 & 1/2.

Every time I come up with a plan (either day trip or weekend adventure), the 1st thing out of my wife's mouth is how difficult (and thus not fun) it will be to do with the baby. I want to involve the family as this is not only a chance to get exercise, but also spend time as a family. I just spoke to her about a family camping trip over the Labor Day holiday. I couldn't even get the entire sentence out of my mouth before she stated, "No, it will be too hard to try and do with the baby - it'll be no fun." Thanks Killjoy. This was at a group scout camp with ALL activies planned, flush bathrooms, and sleeping in tents for 2 nights... Its not like it was going to be in the backcountry.

On the times I have set aside time to go for a walk, bike, hike, run by myself - I get a guilt trip from her about HER being "stuck" with the kids while I'm off doing "my own thing".

Yet - she often gives me reminders of my need to loose weight / guages my portion sizes at meals / etc...

I feel as if she is using the baby as an excuse to NOT do anything outdoors as a family.

I help out with ALL aspects of the kids - I even went so far as to borrow one of those baby-backpacks for me to carry the toddler on family walks / hikes... she still complains that its too much trouble to go.

Last week - I decided to take BOTH boys (by myself) on a walk around the lake in our community (about 1.5 mile roundtrip - gone for a little over 1 hr)... she was p*ssed off because she felt "left out" - WTF ?!?!

Due to a hormone issue - she shed pounds like crazy after the baby was born and now weighs less than when we got married. I on the other hand, put on the sympathy weight and can't seem to get rid of it.

I am puzzled as to the fact that she mentions my need to trim down, but every time I try to do something about it - she seems to come up with an excuse as to why it can't be a family event, or that I am being selfish and saddling her with the kids so I can go exercise.

It feels like I'm being sabbotaged !

In addition, when we go to her mother's for any meals (usually at least once a week as they live less than 1 mile from us), her mother tries to push the leftovers to me and gets upset if I refuse (because I guess I'm a big eater).

The last time we went there for dinner - I chose to walk (she took the boys in the car b/c it was too much work to walk w/ the stroller). I got called twice on my cell and asked if I was going to be much longer, b/c they were ready to eat and waiting on me ?!?! I took me less than 20 minutes to walk there - they couldn't have been waiting more than 5 to 10 minutes.

Has anyone else EVER dealt with a similar issue? Why would a spouse make reference to you needing to loose wieght, yet then sabotage you when you try to make lifestyle changes?

Thanks in advance for any info you can provide...

Answer 1

She's tired. Maybe even a little postpartum depression. She needs back rubs and breaks from the kids. Turn the attention to her and not the kids for awhile. Keep walking for yourself... encourage her to get walking, it helps to get some exercise and sunshine!!!

Answer 2

boy there are some grumps on here today

ok, no not easy w/ baby but did any one READ he bought a backpack hes WILLING to take care of the baby.  Its the WIFE whos being a pain in the ***.

Wife doesnt like you doing on your own but doesnt want to do with you? too bad. take the kids, have a GREAT time and you tell her about it when you get home.  she wants to whine after?? SMILE and say i wanted you to come you CHOSE not to.  maybe next time you will and walk away!!

Answer 3

I would plan a trip, tell her about it, and she can choose whether or not to join.  But you have to then go, by yourself, and maybe you might see that it could be difficult with such a young one.  Or, you can come back with a triumphant story and she will be sad that she missed out.

Answer 4

I'm sorry but it's your WIFE being whiney, needy and selfish.  If she wants to sit around doing nothing, that's fine.  I commend you for wanting to get out there and actually LIVE life instead of watching it pass you by.  What you're trying to do for your boys is WONDERFUL.  They need to grow up doing these kinds of activities - that's what creates great memories and teaches them great habits in staying active that will stay with them forever.  I understand that it can be a hardship to have the baby around on these adventures but she'll never know if it's doable unless she actually TRIES.  She can't keep refusing to do anything then get mad for being left out.  She's acting like a 2 year old.  

You need to sit her down & give her a firm talking to.  Tell her that you not only want to incorporate these activities for your health but also for the good of your kids.  The earlier they learn to be active the better.  If she doesn't want to get on board, that's fine but don't complain about being left out.  She is CHOOSING to be left out.  Ask her nicely to give at least one activity a TRY before shooting it down.  That's all you ask really.  Tell her plenty of people do this with a baby all the time - you just have to take more stuff (like diapers, stroller, etc).  She's overdramatizing everything.  

Answer 5

You seem like a good guy and conscientious about your marriage and family life.  What you don't really say here is if you've talked to her about these things when she says them?  For instance, when she said she felt left out of your lake walk, say "I'm sorry you felt left out, that wasn't my intention.  Like you've mentioned several times, I need to get in better shape, and I'm taking steps to do that.  I would love for you and the kids to join me whenever possible.  How can we make that happen more so that you don't feel left out?"  If she shoots down the family camping trip, say "It's really important that we stay healthy and in shape, but I also want to balance that with family time.  I think camping would be a great way to do both, and I'm committed to helping out so that getting away isn't a burden on you.  Let's talk about the things you're worried about so we can come up with a plan."  If you still get resistance, then it's time to say "I guess I'm confused, help me understand this.  You seem in agreement with me that I need to get in better shape, but when you discount my ideas for getting outdoors as a family, I feel like you aren't willing to let me do what it takes to do that.  What's going on?"  

I guess what I'm trying to say is that women (or men) aren't mind-readers, so you need to let her know what you're feeling when she says these things.  Otherwise they just build up into resentment.  Give it a try and see if it helps.

Answer 6

it sounds like your wife has either ptsd post tramatic stress disorder, or is bi polar,

encourage her for both of you to go see a doctor

also, do the tv commerical work out at home exercise plan developed by Pete Mazur,

during commericals do sit ups, the next set of commericals push ups, then jumping jacks..... do 3 sets

Answer 7

She wants her attention so that is the first thing that you need to do.  Find out what kind of attention she wants and give that to her.  do not accept any guilt trips.  If you have a stroller or a wagon and you take the kids for a walk or such let her know you are going and does she want to come along.  She has the option.  When at her mothers for diner bring a few container to take leftovers home so they are not left with them and she does not have to cook so much.  She can eat something like mama use to and still does fix it.  if they are waiting on you to start to eat then tell them to start you are a big boy and finish off some of the dishes any how.  stay positive.  Take the boy in the yard and play ball of a sort with him more fun than you think.  She can come out if she likes.  My problem is different than yours.  I am outside and fit.  She is overwieght and i can not get her outside.  Just stay positive and give her a few sincere complaiments everyday.  Tell her she can put on that summer dress and show off her nice legs while getting a tan.  If you have a red wagon and drag the kids how can they be a problem on a hike or walk.  Go by yourself when she is out by a friend and see how much trouble it would be.  If you make your change she will  get use to it in a week or two and adapt to your habit.  Have a talk with her and see if she wants you to really loose your wieght.  to help your wieght loss lift a few wieghts or do some other pushups and situps before you walk.

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Answer 8

You really need to stop whinning. A 1 1/2 year old camping and hiking is not fun at all. Diaper changes in the woods? Sleeping in a tent with a toddler? No thanks! A baby that can barely walk that probably wants to be carried all darn day? s***w that.

You sabotage yourself. Whether you think you can or you can't you are probably right. Don't blame your wife for not working out. Get a membership at a gym and start going. Get a treadmill for the living room and start walking while they are in bed.

You need to find right balance. Once in a while go hiking or something but don't try to plan that as your work out. Work outs should be relaxing and recharge you. Seriously. Go to the gym and join a running club or put your kids in a stroller and head out the door. Or get something for the back of your bicycle and go bike riding. But until your baby is at least 3 you should stop planning those types of things.

Good luck to you!

Answer 9

You answered this yourself:

"Due to a hormone issue..."

Sounds like the hormone issue is causing more problems than her extreme weight loss.

Counselling is my first reccomendation, but no matter what, If you want to lose weight, don't let her stop you. Keep trying to find ways to accomplish your goal.

EDIT:

As a fellow married man, although I don't have kids, don't listen to all these women telling you to "stop whining". Bro, you have every right to want to spend time with your family and there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be active and get out of the house for a walk or what not.

I have no sympathy for someone who "thinks it's too dificult" to get out for an hour and walk. And don't give me this *&^% about it being too hard to PUSH A STROLLER, maybe you should go WORK OUT and GTFO of the house once in a while.

If you let your kids controll your life to the point that you don't want to do anything because "it would be too hard" then you are WAYYY too high maintenance.

I would hope that the asker would agree, it sounds by his hard earned frustration that he would...

Answer 10

Sounds like she isnt happy unless she has something to complain about. If she doesnt want to do what you plan ask her if she has something you all can do as a family.

Answer 11

I understand completely. Before we became separated, I would walk 5 miles per day because it helped me lose almost 100# and I needed to keep walking for me. He had a major problem with that and complained about me walking all the time when I could be spending time with him. So, I invited him along and he still complained how difficult it was to keep up with me. I was accused of numerous affairs (of which there were none!) and I would take the kids and dog with me. He always questioned who I was losing weight for and trying to stay in shape for and just couldn't believe I was doing it for me.  He wanted me to be unattractive and miserable so I would just stay home. We are separated because he is controlling and has a major anger/abuse problem. If she doesn't want you walking & leaving her behind, is it possible to get a treadmill? That is what I did plus I started walking in circles around the house wearing a pedometer so that I knew how many steps/miles I had walked. Maybe you could get the kids to join you by pretending to march in a band around the yard. I wish you the best and do everything you can to stay healthy for you and your kids.

Answer 12

re u an idiot? have u even seen your 1 year old baby? obviously u re not taking any care of it. 2 nights in tents with a baby? u re a complete idiot, thanks heaven your wife is the one with the brains. if u have children and u want the whole family activity u plan activities for kids, not for u. u go to amusement park, u go for a stroll in the park where there re kids' playgrounds, u make a trip to the beach, u make a trip to forest BY CAR, where u just walk for an hour or so and maybe have a little picnic. those re family activities with  kids. feeling bored? maybe u shouldn't have produced kids then.  

Answer 13

WOW you took your OWN kids out, BY YOURSELF?

what do you want? a medal? Hello you're a parent, that's what your supposed to do!?

Sorry but it sounds like you treat her like your mother, grow up and stop being so dependant ffs, it's not 1950 ..

Answer 14

Just tell her... I'm Rick James Beeeooch!

Get the boys and go for a week long vacation at Jellystone National Park!

Answer 15

well...obviously its hard to do with the baby....try listning to her once in a while

Answer 16

She really doesn't want you to lose the weight. Other women may find you attractive then.

Answer 17

Jezus I coudl nto read all of that, but from what I've read,

You know what your wife will say as an 'excuse'

So just lay it out for her, in a calm and collective manner.....

THere is no bathrooms...

Actually I printed off this from onlien adn it shows there are complete bathrooms with showers etc...

And so on and so on for each issue until she HAS no excuse BUT to go...

Or instead ask her where SHE would want to go, but it has to be SOMEWHERE