Does anyone else take issue with idea of adoption as charity?

Question

I hear this IRL as well, so it's not just in response to questions here. (Comments about how great we are for "taking in a child"). I do believe that some (unfortunately not all) PAPs/APs are adopting because they want to provide a home for a child in need. But if it ended there, they would simply donate (either time or money). I am comfortable enough with the decisions I've made re: our adoption to admit that I am adopting because I want to be a parent. I want all of the things that go along with being a parent - the sticky fingers and the sleepless nights, the worry and the concern, the joy - all of it. Primarily the desire is to give everything I have (not just financially) to a child, but to leave it there would be dishonest - because it is about wanting to be a parent.

My charitable giving and my time spent volunteering (which I do) has NOTHING to do with my decision to adopt. Doesn't equating the two put us back in the idea that the adoptee should feel "grateful" for (contd)

Answer 1

Adoption has nothing to do with charity. I think of it as a privilege. Its a long difficult process and very expensive. No one requires anywhere near this effort for natural parents. I don't know of anyone who adopts because they feel sorry for the child. The adopt because they want to be parents. Congratulations on being able to add a child to your family. May you all be blessed.

Answer 2

I think that the only reason that a person should adopt is because they want to be parents, and choose adoption as their way to be parents.  Anything else is patronizing and dehumanizing to the child.

Children should not be objects of our desire to rescue or save.  Children are human beings and our motivation should be the same motivation as any appropriate parent:  We want to be parents and to love and raise a child.  We are able, and prepared to be good parents.  And we choose to be parents in the means available to us, whether through biology, foster care, surrogacy, relative care or adoption.  Plain and simple.  This is what motivates good parents to be parents.  Anything else is crossing the line, and becomes about more about the parents.

Answer 3

I have been lucky in that I have not had to deal with this much but I am the lucky one. Children are gifts and some people abuse those gifts. I can't help but think if people had to go through the same testing and back ground checks and parenting classes that those of us who adopted did, there would be a lot less abused and unwanted children needing better homes

Answer 4

It seems like I'm the only adoptee on here that had the experience I had. I am VERY against people adopting out of charity alone, because that's what my AP's did, and it was h**l growing up. I was introduced to strangers as "our adopted daughter" while my brother was just introduced as "our son," and every time my parents were angry with me, my dad would start going off on how I should be grateful to them for pulling me out of the gutter in Atlanta, and how my "real mom" was a teenage s**t and drug addict, and that if I wasn't careful I'd be just like her. Oh yeah, I was 4 months old when they got me. Also, my dad has a masters in psychology, and my mom majored in child development.

Answer 5

I was a former foster parent in Saskatchewan.  When I did that, I did it to help not only children but families.  Here in ONtario we decided to adopt chlidren who were in the foster care system.  We did this because first and formost:

1.  We wanted children, and to be a family

2.  We chose foster care to help children in need

3.  We ended up wtih a sibling group of three because we are nuts! lol

We are always upfront about why we chose adoption.  If we didn't want our own family, where the children are legally part of our family, we would have stayed in foster care.  WE make no bones about this, as the children we are adopting woudl have gone for adoptiopn with or without us.  With us seems a better choice to me.  We are not doing this out of charity, but we do know part of our choice to go with older children is due to wanting to help a child already in need of a family, or in this case, children ikn need of a family.  The system and courts took their parents rights away (with seriously good reason) and so there we come in.

However, we get "oh how nice of you to adopt these kids" etc. all the time, and the children haven't even moved in yet.  I just say "we are the lucky ones" and leave it to that.  I think we are all lucky to have each other.  Woudl I want it differently that my children didn't have to go through birth origin problmes, and that they could have lived with bio mom and dad forever?  Yep.  But the reality is they can't so they are not our children.  And we can't tell you excited we are about becoming parents, so really nope not charity, but our choices about where to adopt were driven by social conscience.

Thanks for teh question.

Answer 6

I don't know that in real life anyone has ever associated my adoptions and charity.  I never get anyone telling me that I'm a  good person for 'taking in a child'.  We don't even get the comment about our children being lucky. People who meet our kids usually come away saying we're the lucky ones & we agree.

Our international adoptions have tangled us up in charity, I guess.  I don't think of it as charity so much as helping our extended family.  I'd help my husband's parents if they needed it, why not my son's? Once we met the kids' families, and saw their need, it's hard to not help them.  How could I tell my son when he's bigger "here's a picture of your grandfather. He died of tb, because he couldn't afford medicine."? I just imagined him asking me, "why couldn't we help with that?"  So we didn't adopt because we were good people or wanted to save a child, but our adoptions have led to us trying to give more concrete, personal help to specific people.

In real life, I don't tell anyone that we help our children's families. My kids don't really know what I do either.  I don't give them details, just assure them when they express concern, that we're trying to help & they don't need to worry.  It's a fine line, isn't it? If I told my children I wasn't doing anything for their family or village that would seem cold and selfish. If I do too much, it's setting them up to feel grateful.

Answer 7

My husband and I adopted our son b/c we wanted to be parents.  That's it.  I have plenty of causes that I support... my child is not a cause or a charity case.  He is my son.

Answer 8

I don't believe anyone chooses to have a child without SOME selfish thought involved.  After all, people have or adopt a child because the WANT to, right?

Anyway, it's when people use the argument that international adoption is the way to save children from poverty that the waters murk up for me.  No, the adoption isn't about charity.  However, to argue that adopting these children is the way of saving them is what equates it with charity.  If people supported efforts to improve life in their world nations then they would be benefiting children and adults.  

There are people who specifically say that they are saving the children by adopting them and bringing them to the U.S.  THAT is charity-speak.  THAT is what brings the whole gratitude thing into play.  h**l, I KNOW a woman who was pissed that the two kids she "saved" from a horrible life in Africa didn't seem "grateful" to her 1 month after the adoption.  HER WORDS, NOT MINE!  Did she care or understand that the children were lied to?  No.  (They were told their grandmother was dead and so they had no relatives to raise them.  On the way to the airport, after the adoption was legalize, guess where the agency worker took the kids?  Yep, to see their dead granny who wasn't so dead after all.  The grandmother was also told the children had been killed.  Convenient, eh?  Did this particular AP care or understand that these children had just been taken away from the only country/culture they ever knew and were now in severe culture shock?  They didn't even know English.  No.  It was all about expecting that they should view her as a saint now.  Cut me a break, already.  

OF COURSE NOT ALL AP'S THINK/ACT LIKE THIS. I AM NOT SAYING THAT.  HOWEVER, THIS BELIEF IS OUT THERE.

So, supporting other countries to become more self-sufficient has absolutely nothing to do with adoption and making it about charity or gratitude.

Adopting with the attitude of "I'm saving a child from a life of poverty," however, does.

Answer 9

I have always realized that people have their own agendas when it come to adoption (like you they wanted to be parents) but I still fell it is good of you to " take in a child" because you wanted one soo badly - the kid will have a really good life. Not charity. Not about the child being grateful. About you  and that child being a family ( with others of course or not) .

I never had the money to adopt and wish I could have. So when I say it I dont mean that you are some godlike person but just a good person who loves kids and helps some including the one you adopted.

Answer 10

Yes, I take issue with the idea of adoption as a charity.  I NEVER let anyone get away with saying that to me or my children.  My usual response:

"There was nothing charitable about it."  "We wanted to be parents."  

You are so wonderful adopting.  "Yes she is wonderful." " We feel very blessed to be her parents."

The world needs more people like you.  "What wanting to be parents?" " Its pretty selfish actually."

Those are a few i can think of.  As for supporting our dd's first families, yes we do.  We think of them as family as well, with our domestic adoption we try to do it anonymously.  She is a proud woman and if she knew it came from us, she wouldn't accept it.

Sorry its brief.  All the kids are home and its taken me 2 hrs off and on just to write this bit.

Answer 11

hmm i think that as a young Mother i get compliments ( in a way) for taking good care of my kids and most dont and this is kinda like that yes their doing good but it is also what they want....but saying something nice to someone is rare these days so i'lll take it

Answer 12

The only way I've been able to resolve this within myself is to make sure that I'm adopting a child who actually needs a home.  Yes, we want to be parents.  Yes, we want to have a family.  But if there were no children who NEED homes, then we would be quite happy with our fabulous furbabies.  I couldn't sleep at night knowing that I took someone else's child when it wasn't absolutely necessary.  The parents of the children we are adopting are not ABLE to raise their children, even with lots of financial assistance.  It's not about money (thank goodness - we'd never be able to be parents if it were all about money!), it's about ability to parent.

Answer 13

Yes, I hate this notion.

If someone had REALLY been concerned about helping my daughter and myself, they would have encouraged me to KEEP her, rather than pressuring me to relinquish her.

No one did me a favor by adopting my daughter--I got PTSD out of relinquishment, that's it--not help.

And my daughter wasn't helped, either. I was 22, in a stable relationship (engaged), nearly out of college, and employed when I relinquished my daughter. There was absolutely no good reason AT ALL for her to be adopted.

So the people who adopted her most definitely did NOT do anything charitable, at all. All they did was help facilitate the break up of a mother-child.

Answer 14

I agree with EVERYTHING you're saying.   (*)

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Did I say EVERYTHING?  Yes, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

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Yes, I WANTED to become a parent.

Answer 15

I have had so many people say how "lucky" my son is that we adopted him. It makes me want to scream. Especially when they say it to him. He has had teachers and family members tell him that he is lucky that we adopted him. I always respond that we are the lucky ones and now that he is older...he will tell them we are the lucky ones to have a kid as awesome as he is.

I still remember his 4th grade teacher telling him that he now has a real family. I guess she thought his bio-family were just pretend.

Answer 16

Bull's eye!  Exactly.

That is why it is so hypocritical for churchs to facilitate adoptions.  What is charitable about separating mothers and fathers and their children?  Churchs purport to serve the needy in the name of "God" when they are really serving their paying customers.  I have read many cases of women whose rights were violated by the very people in their church who they turned to help them (hmmm ... just like the agencies that pose as "social services" organizations).

Answer 17

Of course adoptive parents want to be parents.  I mean, people who don't want to be parents simply shouldn't adopt!  I've never seen adoption as a charitable act or some altruistic deed to earn me brownie points with God.  

I do feel a moral obligation to the culture and country of my child's birth and act accordingly.  But that comes as much from a feeling of personal connection to Liberia that came to existance through the adoption experience.  I've been told by many West African people, not just Liberia, that this makes me "our sister now".  I mentioned in another post that the outpouring of love and support I've gotten from the African community in the city  I live has been both warming and humbling.  

I also feel that part of meeting that sense of responsibility is to be the best parent I can to my children.

Otherwise, my charitable contributions to causes other than West Africa, have nothing to do with adoption.