Does anyone feel the same way about their divorce?

Question

I was married to someone for many years and I put up with his abusive behavior. He was physically, verbally, and mentally abusive to me and my children. Although, he was a whole lot more abusive to me than my children. Today, I just started asking myself why did I stay married to him all those years? It was pure h**l. I feel really stupid for not leaving earlier.

Actually, he wanted divorce too, but he never mentioned it seriously.

He was threatening me to prove to the court that I am crazy. He was saying that he would take my children away from me and I would never get a penny from him ever.

Now, I have sole custody of my children. He was only allowed to visit them in a public place once every two weeks. He also has to pay child support.

As soon as we got divorce, he moved to a different state. My children are happy that he is far away and don't have to put up with his abusive behavior.

Today, I asked myself, why didn't I leave him earlier. I feel really dumb. But I had no self-confidence, because of the mental abuse.

Do you ever ask yourself why didn't you leave earlier?

Answer 1

That's what marriage does to you. It blinds you to the actual reality of situations. I an glad you got away from him and best wishes for a more prosperous life with your kids.

Answer 2

i did, i stayed for 4 years ! i wish i would run-off earlier

(4 years thrown in to garbage)

Answer 3

Yes, I asked myself that question many times.  But don't reproach yourself sweetie... we do what we do because it's all we know at the time.  I too stayed in a mentally abusive relationship for 13 years... why?  Cause I didn't have the guts to leave... he worked sporadically after we were married, and became a lazy druggy with no ambition and then blamed it all on depression and anxiety.  When it came right down to it, he was a bully...and that's how he kept me there.  Until one day it became physical, and I walked out the door, and never looked back.  I wonder too why I stayed that long....but things work out for the best sometimes.  Had I not stayed that long, I wouldn't have met and fallen in love with my current husband now.  Thankfully, you and your children are away from this man now, and that's all that counts.  Look forward in your life... don't look backwards anymore !!!

Answer 4

Oh yes!

I also often ask myself why HE didn't leave earlier. He was so obviously unhappy and wanted to get away from us.  His unhappiness, his bad temper and his depression made him a bully. For three or four years I kept saying to him, Look, shall we separate? Is this something we both want and can achieve? But he kept saying No, No, I want you, I want the kids.... He had so many opportunities to end it with decency and dignity. But he waited until he had someone lined up to move in with. How despicable is that?

Why didn't I leave? Because I keep my promises.

Yes, he did keep telling me I was useless and incompetent and would never manage without him. But who was the one who had to pack his suitcase for him every time he went on a business trip? Eventually I refused to 'help' him pack any more. I date the beginning of my liberation from that moment. Of course, the more I stood up for myself, the angrier he became.

Answer 5

Better late than never.....move on and enjoy the rest of your life.

Answer 6

I stayed with a very abusive troll for 9 years and ask myself that everyday.  But you have to consider this......some of us have to take very rocky roads to get to us on the path we are now.  Don't beat yourself up about this, it's a hard habit to break, even after all the drama is gone.  I am with a wonderful man now, that I didn't know even existed.  Keep the faith. Our children are much better off without them as well.  

Answer 7

maybe you never did it sooner because back a long time ago, loving that man really meant everything to you. maybe then you were just being human. also maybe deep down you felt that if you left it would further compromise you and your childrens security, after all he took that from you in the first place.    

Answer 8

Good for you! Really don't feel dumb. Better late then never right?  My father was abusive and my mother never left him. in his old age hes moved on to mental abuse and still she stays.. she says "Iv been with him this long why bother leaving now?" but its never to late (or too early) to leave an abusive relationship!

Answer 9

Oh yes, i should have left 6 months after we were married i lasted 3 years and 8 months.  At least we didn't have kids together and i know why his ex wife left him.  His own kids wouldn't visit unless i was there, they would call my cell to see if i was at home or my mothers.

You really don't see how bad things are until your out of the situation and you think someday they will change...It doesn't happen.

Mine tried to pull the crazy thing saying i was loopy, it was him that was nuts.  

Im so much happy now...Life is good and he wont be able to hurt my dogs or kill any more of my cats...Someday he will get whats coming to him, i hope he rots in H....

Answer 10

I was only with an abusive guy for 1 year two months but I too wish I had left him earlier. We never married but I got pregnany within 2 months of knowing him them he tried to make me miscarry pushed into my stomach and smashed up my stuff. When Iwas 6 months pregnant I got a restraining order - and stupidly dropped the order and got back with him. I regret it so much now because I should of just walked, never introduced him to his child or put his name on the birth certificate. Now.. he wants shared care of our 4 month old daughter and constantly threatens me with my lawyer say... ect. I think we stay because we believe they will try get the kids and we think well at least now I can watch him with them.. but what if.. they get unsupervised access - its a scary thought. Wow you are so lucky he only got supervised access please email me and tell me what you said in court and if you had much evidence against him ect... because I have to go through all that now. These men are skilled at manipulating women into staying so be proud that you worked him out I bet like me you were only scared for yourself and your children these men will try make you pay if you leave them so we try to keep the peace... but there is no peace with a man like that. Well congratulations your out and you won the fight and can protect your children so laugh dance and be free. You could not wish for a better outcome and you created it for yourself. They say a person can only control you as long as they can keep you confused well you got clear and thats a hard thing to do you have great strength dont ever doubt it again.

Answer 11

I was married for 12 1/2 years and most of that time I spent depressed often cried and ate food till I fell asleep.  When I decided to get out almost two years ago.  I lost weight immediately and just was much happier and I wondered why didn't I get out sooner.  My husband never put his hands on me.  But he had a temper that kept us all scarred, He was controlling, and mean.  

I wished I would have left earlier, Yes why was I so dumb to stay.

Answer 12

with the benefit of hind-sight it is easy to say " I should have left years ago", but you said it yourself you didn't have the confidence (no doubt your ex told you you could never manage without him).  It was only when you realised that you can manage without him that you found the strength to leave, don't be hard on yourself that this took a while.

I also tell myself that I should have left my husband sooner, but it was not until I had a child that I realised he was going to be a poor dad as well as a poor husband, that was the nudge I needed to make me leave.

You have now given your children the opportunity to live a happy, settled life without the abuse....good on you, that is the best thing you could have done for them...best of luck with your new life