Does anyone have a joke to share?

Question

I'm kinda bored now, if anyone can make me laugh, i'll choose it as the best ans =D

Answer 1

A  young  couple  had  been  fixing  up  their  new  home.  Feeling  lonely  the  wife  climbed on the  roof  with her  husband.  She  says  Honey, I  miss going  out  and  having  fun  togeather.  We  dont  do  things  togeather  anymore."  Stopping  is  work  and  laying  hammer  down  he  gets  close  to her  and  says  "Darling  will you go  with  me  to the  dump tomorrow?"

Answer 2

Soap and Water

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Answer 3

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

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Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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What's the number one excuse to say if you've been caught sleeping at work?

....AMEN !!

Answer 4

"what do you call a fish with no eye?"

"FSH"

harhar

Answer 5

heres my favourite blonde joke...

2 blondes are walking in the woods when they come across some tracks.

`oh look`,says the first one, `rabbit tracks!!`

`no!` cries the second, `those are deer tracks!`

and while they are arguing, their both run over by a train.

(i`m blonde and i think it`s funny.)

Answer 6

Actual courtroom Questions & Answers...lol

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?

Q:What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Lawyer: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget things.

Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?  

Answer 7

A guy is sitting at a bar.  He orders a beer and then slowly slides off his seat falling on the floor.  The barman tells him he has to sober up a bit before he can have another beer.  An hour later the guy orders a beer, then he slowly slides off the seat again, onto the floor.  The barman refuses to serve him and asks him to leave.

A few guys have been watching whats been going on and feel sorry for the him.  They decide to pick him up off the floor and drive him home.  When they arrive at his house they knock on the door and the wife answers the door.  They tell her what had happened.

She thanks them for bringing him home and then asks "Where is my husbands wheelchair?"

Answer 8

dad: wat is H2SO4?

son: err............ its on my tip of my tounge

dad: spit it out.....its sulphuric acid

ha ha ha

man askd god: god y u make women so beautiful?

god: so dat u can luv her

men: bt y u make her so stupid?

god: so dat she can luv u

he he he

son:(while filling up a form) dad,wat shud i rite against mother toungue?

dad: very long!

he he he

Telling a Lie is a fault for a little boy, an art for a lover, an accomplishment for a bachelor, and a matter of survival for a married man.



• New Examination Patttern in India (Revised):

General Students: Answer All questions

OBC: Write Any One question

SC: Only read questions

ST: Thanks for coming.

Cheers to Reservation



• It’s wrong that Alcohol makes u fat... It doesn't! It actually makes u LEAN... against bars, poles, walls, friends & strangers! Cheers!



• Teacher class mein apne baby ko doodh pilate hue boli: Ale ale mela beta dudh p k doctor banega.

Santa: Mam! Thoda hame bhi pila do hum compounder hi ban jaayenge.



• Ek shrabi sadhu se takra gaya. Sadhu: Oh murkh, mein tuje shrap deta hoon…

Sharabi: Ruko, me glass leke ata hoon.



• How do u identify a true music lover?

A man when he hears a woman singing in the bathroom and puts his ear to the keyhole instead of his eye!



• Ek Church k gate pe likha tha: Jo paap kar k thak gaye wo meri sharan me aaye.

Ek callgirl ne niche apna mob no likh diya: Jo nahi thake wo meri sharan me aaye.



• Ma: Beta ladoo Khayega?

Beta: Nahin

Mama: Chocolate?

Beta: Nahin

Mama: Khana?

Beta: Nahin

Mama: Marjana apne peo te gaya hai, sirf jutiyan hi khayega.



• Gud afternoon. Aap g de sare pariwar nu sunday di lakh-lakh wadhahi hove. Parmatma kare aap g de jeevan de har hafte da satwan din Sunday hove. Happy Sunday.



• When somebody who's deeply in love with you tells you that you're cute, beautiful, and angelic, I agree. That's true, believe me, I swear because love is BLIND!



• It takes patience to keep a nagging wife; fortune to keep an ambitious wife; four eyes to keep a pretty wife.



• Sometimes you might catch me staring at you. It's not because you are cute but bcoz my mom told me that devils have tails and I'm just wondering where's yours?



• Wife: I Have Changed My Mind.

Husband: Thank God ! Does The New One Work Now?



• A boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?

Boy: Yes, I saw dad!



• Aftr robbing d Bank, robber 2 clerk: Did u see me robbing?

Clerk: Yes.

Robber shot him dead & asked d next clerk: Did u?

2nd clerk: No, But my wife saw u!



• Ladkiyan apna dupatta ladke k samne aane k baad hi kyon theek karti hain?

Luteron ko dekh kar hi Daulat ki hifazat ka khayal Aata hai!



• Why are Egyptian Children always confused?

Because after death, their DADDY becomes a MUMMY.



• Everything about you is perfect - your lips, your skin, your eyes, your body. Perfect! You're lucky to be born beautiful, not like me, who was born to be a big liar.



• First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly.



• Marry and make a woman happy OR remain a bachelor and make several women happy!



i guess dats new jokes

hope u liked it

n now choose me quickly as the best answer

luv amitha

Answer 9

A man who just went jungle trekking got lost. He then found a wooden hut the size of a bungalow. He then decided to seek there for shelter. When he knocked on the door, an old man responded. The man asked for food and water. The old man accepted him. "One one condition though," said the old man, "you must promise not to touch my daughter." The man agreed. On the dinner table, the man saw the daughter and got turned on. So in the middle of the night, he raped her. In the morning, he found a large rock on his chest that almost stopped him from breathing. On the rock, a note said: PUNISHMENT #1: ROCK PLACED ON YOUR CHEST TO STOP YOU FROM BREATHING. So, he took the rock and threw it out the window, but another note appeared: PUNISHMENT #2: LARGE ROCK TIED TO YOUR LEFT TESTES. He was shocked so he jumped out the window together with the rock. Unfortunately, the third note appeared: PUNISHMENT #3: YOUR RIGHT TESTES WAS TIED TO THE BEDPOST.

Answer 10

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to p**s.''

The mother said, ''Son don't say p**s in church. Next time you have to p**s, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.

The next Sunday, the little boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.

He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''

The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

Answer 11

haha, the chef at the hibachi place told me this,lol

How do you  make holy water?

Boil the h**l out of it