Does anyone have any funny stories or conversations I can add into my story? Maybe quotes as well?

Question

I'm writing a story, and I need some humor for it. So I was wondering if anyone had any funny stories or conversations I can add in, (I wont add the whole thing just like bits and pieces)

And if you have any quotes that I can add, that be great too!

(It can be anytype of quote)

Answer 1

Baked Beans - This is hilarious!

(This one is much too cute not to share.  Enjoy!  Be sure to   grab a tissue; I think you'll be laughing so hard you'll cry!)

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.  When it became   apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sac rifice and gave up   beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home  from   work.  Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told   him that  I would be late because I had to walk home.  On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was  more    than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off   any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and   before I knew  it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see   me and exclaimed delightedly:

'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took   a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the  telephone rang.  He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned   and  went  to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure   was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running  over   a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.  I took my napkin from my lap   and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.  The stink   was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.  When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom,  I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on  my lap and folded my hands back   on it feeling very relieved and pleased  with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,   apologizing for taking so long.  He asked me if I had peeked through   the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests  seated   around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

Answer 2

i work at a warehouse and my coworker who is very skinny (we call him lil mike-e) was moving soda boxes in the handcart he went over a bump and he fell backwards with the handcart on top of him and the sodas. he started yelling help help even over the radio. it might not sound funny but it looked funny.

Answer 3

Here are some favorites of mine:

Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot.

When I die, I want to die peacefully, like my grandfather did, in his sleep....not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Healing comes when you realize the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train.

Money talks.  Mine says "bye-bye."

The best vitamin for making friends - B1.

A guy goes into a second-hand shop to buy one for his watch.

My house is so dirty the dust bunnies have turned into fuzzy buffalos.

You can either agree with me, or be wrong.

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been before.