Does anyone have any jokes??

Question

Does anyone have any jokes??

Answer 1

what kind of jokes do vegetables tell each other? corny!

what is the quickest way to date someone? get into a relation SHIP!

why is the CN tower so high? it smoked too much weed

Answer 2

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m capitalism because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.

So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn’t do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is s******g the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of s***."

Two peanuts walk down te road one was asalted

Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?

Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!

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The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,

"Where did you get that?"

The pig replied,

"I won her in a raffle!"

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A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".

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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.

First Blonde:

"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Second Blonde:

Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

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Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,

"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,

"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

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A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

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A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,

"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

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A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying,

"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

Answer 3

Yo momma is so ugly,her birth certificate doesn't show her date of birth,it shows the date of capture.

Yo momma is so dumb,she thought menopause was one of the buttons on the tape recorder.

Answer 4

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself,

"Two plus five, the son of a bitc... is seven.

Three plus six, the son of a bitc... is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the sonof a bitc... is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Answer 5

i got a few good ones. but theyre yo mama jokes

yo mama so fat she got neck deoderant

yo mama so fat when she jumped in the gulf of mexico she caused hurricane katrina

yo mama so fat when she stepped in front of the crown it looked like everybody left

yo mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone

yo mama so stupid she saw a free sign on a pony and took the free sign

yo mama so stupid she got fired from an eminems factory for throwing out all the w's

yo mama so stupid she failed the blood test

and ive got one other that i love

why did the mushroom go to the party?

he was a fun-gi lol

Answer 6

what's the difference between a mosquito and a hot blonde chick?

when u slap a mosquito it stops sucking!

Answer 7

Memory's Going

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember that."

"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.

"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."