Does anyone have any really good jokes?

Question

i like any kind of jokes, preferably the long ones but i like the short jokes to.

Answer 1

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.  As the man orders a drink, the monkey hops off his shoulder, walks over to a person eating some chicken, takes the chiken from him and eats it.  The monkey then goes over to a person eating an apple, takes the apple from him, and eats it.  Then, the monkey goes over to the pool table and swallows the cue ball.  A bartender went to the man who brought the monkey and said, "sir, your monkey is disturbing some of the people here.  He just stole some chicken, an apple, and a cue ball, and ate all of it."

"Yeah," the man said.  "He does that a lot.  He eats everything."

So the man apologizes, and leaves with the monkey.  A couple days later, the man comes back, again with the monkey.  As the man orders his drink, the monkey hops off, goes to a person eating some peanuts, and takes the peanuts.  The monkey then sticks the peanuts up his butt, takes them back out, and eats them.  Then the monkey goes over to a person eating some cherries.  The monkey takes the cherries, again sticks them up his butt, takes them out and eats them.  The bartender goes back over to the man and says, "sir, what's going on?  Your monkey is at it again, but this time, he's sticking everything up his butt!"

"Yeah," says the man.  "I know.  He still eats everything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he's been measuring everything he eats."

Answer 2

Two blondes went to the movies one night. In the middle of the feature, one girl leaned over to the other and whispered, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."

"Don't do anything," her friend said, "Just ignore him."

"I can't," the first girl said. "He's using my hand."

Answer 3

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that d**n thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

If you liked that joke, you can find a lot of jokes just as funny at http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index...

Answer 4

what kind of bee's produce milk?

'boo-bee's!!'

ahahahhahahahah

Answer 5

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Answer: a gummy bear

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Little old lady

Little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel

Answer 6

  THis woman was riding down the highway going super fast, way over the speed limit when she was stopped by a blonde female police officer. The officer got out and asked to see some ID, well the lady just handed her a mirror and she said"Oh, i didn't know you were a police officer too. Sorry about that." And drove away.

Answer 7

A panda walks into a bar. He eats his meal and then are of a sudden he pulls out a gun and shoots the ceiling and then he leaves the building. The bar tender runs out after him and asks him "hey why did you just do that?". Then the panda pulld out a field guide and points to a part that says "Pandas eats shoots and leaves".  

Answer 8

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with huge b*****s and offers her £100 if she lets him bite them.

“No, are you crazy?” she says.

“What about for £1000?” he asks.

“Listen you freak" she says. “I’m not that kind of woman.”

“You wouldn’t even do it for £10,000?” the man asks.

“You’ll pay me £10,000 to bite my b*****s?” she asks. “OK fine, lets go over to that alley.”

Once there she takes off her blouse, and the guy begins caressing her b*****s, kissing them, and fondling them.

“So, are you gonna bite them or what?” she huffs.

“Nah,” he shrugs. “Too expensive!!!.”

Answer 9

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a p***s."  

Answer 10

1) Q. How do you catch a polar bear?

A. First you cut a big hole in the ice, next you take a bag of frozen peas and place them all around it, and finally you go hide. Then, when the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole! :)

2) A man is sitting in a bar that is on the 10th floor of a 15 story building. He yells for the bartender to bring him another drink, but the bartender says no, that he's had too much already. The man really wants another drink, so he turns to another guy and makes a bet with him. "Hey buddy, if you'll buy me another drink I'll walk right out this window, float up to the next floor, climb in another window, and come back down here. I only have one condition, buy the drink first." The other guy thinks that'd be neat to watch and buys the drink. So the first guy goes over to the window, steps out 10 stories above the ground.... then floats up to the next floor, climbs in the window and meets the second guy back at the bar. The second guy is amazed! The first guy says, "if you'll buy me another I'll tell you how I did it, just buy my drink first." The second guy's really curious and buys another drink. The first guy explains, "We're pretty high up above the ground, and because of the way the building is shaped air currents moving upwards are way strong, they just push you right up to the next floor!" The second guy is impressed, and buys him a third drink to say thanks, then he decides to try it out for himself. He goes to the window, steps out 10 floors above the ground... and falls to his death. The bartender's been watching the whole scene and finally says, "you know what superman? You're a real jerk!"

3) Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher started explaining that whales have tiny throats, and that it's impossible for them to swallow anything big like boats or people. Johnny immediately yelled out, "what about Jonah? He got swallowed by a whale!" The teacher said, "no, that's impossible. Whales don't have big enough throats to swallow a person." Johnny replied, "well when I get to heaven I'm going to ask Jonah!" "What if Jonah went to h**l?" the teacher asked.  Then Johnny said, "well then YOU can ask him!"

4) Little Timmy was a very poor boy, and one day he was out at recess. Jake, the school bully, was eating a popsicle right in front of him. Timmy, being poor, had never seen a popsicle before and asked what it was- it looked so good! Just as the bell rang to go inside Jake handed Timmy the last bite, but said, "save it for later so you won't get in trouble, just put it in your pocket until school ends." Timmy did and headed for class. They were studying Geography. "What are people from Africa called Susan?" the teacher asked. "Africans!" Susan said. "Very good, now what are people from Mexico called Billy?" "Mexicans!" he said. Then it was Timmy's turn. "What are people from Europe called Timmy?" The teacher said. "Foreigners?" was his answer. "No," the teacher said, "European." Timmy stood up angrily, "I am not! That's just the popsicle melting in my pocket!"