Does anyone have experience with BOTH Adult ADD and long distance relationships? I'm STRUGGLING!

Question

I am in love with a woman I really feel is my soul mate. However, we live about 200 miles apart and circumstances are such that we can only see each other once or twice a month on weekends. The relationship is serious and we have plans for a permanent future together. However, we won't be able to permanently eliminate the miles between us for probably 6 -12 months.

I have dealt with ADD since childhood, finally being diagnosed and treated for it as an adult. I am usually a positive person, but anyone who understands ADD knows hyper focus can be a big problem. And I tend to hyper focus on the negatives of being in a long distance relationship.

I love her dearly, but sometimes I frustrate my girlfriend because I feel hopeless about ever being united permanently. I don't like feeling this way and I want to do better. I would appreciate hearing from anyone who has experience or educated insight into both ADD and long distance relationships. Thanks!

Answer 1

I fell in love with someone I met not 200, but closer to 2000 miles away!  We couldn't make it work, and I must take the blame for it.  I did not communicate with her often or consistently enough, and she took that for loss of interest on my part.

You are fortunate to be able to see her once or twice a month.  Granted, 200 miles is not a short distance away, but it's doable, and it's still way better than only seeing her once every 3 months or more.

This may or may not be comforting, but it sounds like at least some of your struggles would be common to ANY long-distance relationship, independent of the ADD.  There would inherently be more challenges  given the distance between the two of you - it comes with the territory.

Another thing that may / may not be comforting is that you are EXTREMELY fortunate to have found someone willing to maintain a relationship w/ you, given these circumstances.  Many a relationship has been terminated solely because of the miles between the two people.  She not only loves you, she loves you in spite of your shortcomings (especially those associated w/ ADD)...AND the wide distance between you, limiting your time together.  Personally, I've never found anyone who loved me like that.  You have.  I wish I could submit your identical question on Y!A, but I can't.

What I don't quite understand is that you claim you are "usually a positive person".  This doesn't seem to mesh with focusing "on the negatives", or feeling "hopeless about ever being united permanently".  Again, this doesn't necessarily align itself w/ ADD per se.  It may more be an indication of some underlying depression (which is fairly common in tandem w/ ADD).

It couldn't hurt to do some "pre pre-marital counseling" right now on your own.  Discuss this w/ your ADD treatment provider.  Are you subconsciously seeing yourself as flawed, not "good enough" for her or for marriage, and sending negative vibes in her direction?  I doubt that would be uncommon for someone in your position.  Talk it over with your local ADD guru, and see if you can put a stop to this line of thinking before it spills over into married life.  And it will if something isn't done BEFORE you tie the proverbial knot w/ her.

Well, that's my take on it.  The good news is that this isn't beyond repair.  You can take several practical steps to "fix" this and get your future new life together off to a good start.  But the sooner you take these steps the better.  Start today.  And best wishes, you lucky duck!