Does anyone have some really good suggestions about ways to "connect" with first parents?

Question

I remember how awkward I felt when I would take my daughter for supervised visits with her first mom, back when she was in foster care. I WANTED to say to her mom that I was sad for her that she had to be lonely for her daughter. I WANTED to say to her that we were taking good care of her, and a lot of other things. But I could literally feel her hatred of me. I understood her feelings, and chose to respect her right to hate me. I kept my silence. After the adoption she would write (through an agency), and I would always write back, sending pictures and telling her what a beautiful and wonderful daughter she and I had. The letters stopped after a while, though. Now that my daughter is a teenager, she is thinking a lot about re-uniting with her first family. I would really like some ideas about how to lessen the awkwardness between "us moms" and make the experience better for everyone. Is that even realistic?

Answer 1

I have adopted through foster care as well. I have friends who have too. We have talked about an odd bond with the biological Mom. You can't help but love her because she gave birth to your child who you love so much. Even though they were not able to care for them for whatever reason. They still are the reason you have them. It's very hard to understand unless you have been through it but i do know how you feel. Deep inside she knows you have cared for that child and she does have appreciation for you too.

Answer 2

Write her a sincere letter expressing your desire to have her in your daughter's life. Include a letter from your daughter as well. It may take time for her to come around but you have to try.

Good Luck

Answer 3

Explain to her that you were both in a tough situation, and you didn't know how to help her, and she didn't know what to do either.  Kids don't come with instruction manuals, and neither does parenting.  Both of you have matured now, and your goal now is that you can both be better parents to your daughter.  Also, prepare your daughter that her bmom might not be ready, and might have even tried to forget the harder times in her life.  

Good luck, and I hope your daughter is ready for what could happen.

Answer 4

Simply write a letter from the heart and have your daughter do the same.  Receiving a letter from her dd will probably be the spark that she needs to initiate contact. I am certain she wants to see dd too but maybe she is equally nervous. I think it will help knowing that you want this to happen too.

    Good Luck!!!

Answer 5

Hi :)

I want to say how it is nice that you are helping your daughter re-connect with her birth-mom....

The birth-mom could have stopped contact for many reasons...e.g moving on in her life, life issues

I would suggest you try writing to her first ( without you daughters knowledge) to see if she is interested in contact, she may not be , and that could be damaging in that your daughter may feel rejection "again".

I would write a letter that was completely about your daughter having the opportunity to contact her directly and not anything to do with your thoughts or feelings about the past or the birth-mom, this way she won't have to feel defensive and it may open the avenue for your daughter to contact her.

The reality is that this is not about you , it's about your daughter and her birth-mom and who knows , time may have softened her anger and sadness.

It will take great strength on your part to not "interfere" ( and I say this in the nicest possible way because I don't know you or the whole story) if communication starts , it's natural instinct to want to protect the relationship you have with your girl.

Just be there for her, support her unconditionally and if things don't work out she'll still have consistency with you.

I hope this makes sense- these forums never convey the emotions within the written word.

Bless you and good luck...

Answer 6

Thats a tough one.

You can start off by saying you've always admired her from afar.  And actually tell her what you admire about her.

I know DD's first mother loves to compare the similarities between  herself and DD.  You could write about how your daughter reminds you of her. specific examples.

Tell her that you've thought of her throughout the years and would like to set aside your differences.  That you would like to work together for your daughters sake.  

Those are just a few of my thoughts.  Good Luck.  I hope it works out:)

Answer 7

I would print this and send it to her. Follow your instincts. If your gut is in a knot, wait. If something feels right, go with it. I don't know how you can go wrong with honesty and sincerity. If you got her through foster care, has she resolved the issues that led to this? She may be embarresed and feel like a failure. I hate to tell you this, but my best friend, who was the best mother I had ever known, after she had her second baby she lost it. We didn't have the term "post-partum" depression then. Over 20 years later, she still can't face up to the fact that she literally walked out on her husband and kids. I always tell her, you were sick and no one knew what was wrong or what to do.

Maybe talk about her daughter and what they have in common. Keep it light and throw in some humor. Tell her that she must have done alot right to have a daughter that is so ....... (fill in the blanks). If she brings up her mistakes, just let her know it could happen to anybody. No one is perfect. The past is the past, leave it there.

I don't know why she lost her daughter, but she is painfully aware that the state came in and took her daughter and she wasn't able to do what needed to be done to get her back. Believe me, not a day goes by when she isn't reminded of this. That's a biggie.

Do you think your daughter could meet her first and then once she hears how great you are, she may be more open to meeting you?

I've read your posts, she is lucky to have someone like you that could come in and be not only a great mom to her daughter, but willing to embrace her to. In a million years, she probably isn't thinking that you would do that.

I wish you the best. I have a feeling you are going to find the right answers and know exactly what to say.