Does anyone know any good jokes?

Question

By good jokes i mean really funny ones

Answer 1

Great joke, the Saint.  It can make anyone's mind "dirty" :)  I enjoyed it.

Answer 2

A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment. She

asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human

body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.

Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "Well, I think I

know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."

The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what

part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when

stimulated."

Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven

times its original size when stimulated by light."

The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny."

Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all, you

didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And

third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

Answer 3

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.

When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way

from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for!

dinner tonight." He then

blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulp mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it

feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted.

Answer 4

A biology class student conducted an experiment on what would happen to a grasshopper if its legs were taken off.

He pulled off one of its legs and yelled 'hop!', and the grasshhoper hopped. Then he took another leg and yelled 'hop!' and the grasshopper hopped. Then he took all of its legs and yelled 'hop!' but the insect did not hop. He yelled again, but the insect did not hop.

So he came to the conclusion that when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it will become deaf.

Answer 5

learn to speak Chinese/English:

1) That's not right .......................Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ........................... Dum As5

5) Small Horse ......................... Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ............ Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table ........ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift ........... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here ................. Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ........... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone ................ No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight ................ Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile .......... Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great .................................. Fa Kin Su Pah

Answer 6

Its a joke and also a reality too.

Three fastest ways of spreading any information:

1. Television.

2. Radio.

3. Tell a Woman.

Need more speed.

?

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?

?

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Also advise her to not tell anyone.

Answer 7

Ok, so once there was this guy named Bubba.  Now Bubba knew everybody and everybody knew Bubba.  One day Bubba was sitting in his favorite restaurant and there is this new waiter.  Excitedly Bubba introduced himelf to the waiter because he had never met him before, and since he knows everyone and everyone knows him, its kinda hard to meet new people.

Bubba said to the waiter," Hi! I'm Bubba and I know everybody and everybody knows me!"

The waiter thinks ya know i could make some money off this guy....so he says to Bubba,"Bubba, I bet you $50 that we can go across the restaurant and find someone you don't know."

Bubba says"You're on..."

So the two go across the restaurant to this separate room and the waiter points to this one man and says "that guy, right there..."

So Bubba politely taps him on the shoulder and the man turns around and smiles and says,"Bubba! How've you been, buddy?!"

"LARRY!! long time no see...."

Dissapointed, the waiter thinks: man i need to get that money back, its almost christmas and i still need to get a present for my kids...

So when Bubba was finished talking, the waiter said to Bubba,"Bubba I bet you $100 dollars that we can go out on the street and find someone that you don't know..."

Bubba says,"You're on..."

So the two go out on the street and walk a few blocks when they turn down an alley.  The waiter points to this drunk man and says," That guy right there."  so Bubba politely taps the man on the shoulder, and the drunk man turns with a loud "HUH??? BUBBA how ya doooin budddyy??!" "BOB long time no see..."

The waiter thinks to himself: thats $150, and i still need to get a present for my wife!!

When Bubba had finished, the waiter said to Bubba,"I bet you $500 that you don't know the President of the USA."  Bubba says "you're on..."

so the two take a plane flight to DC and go to the White house and cruise on past the guards and straight into the oval office.  the President looks up from his work and says,"Bubba! Hey I have some questions for ya..."

Shocked, the waiter thinks to himself: ok I need to get that $650 back!! I still need to buy a gift for my mother!!!

When Bubba was finished the waiter took a deep breath and said,"Bubba, I bet you $1000 that you don't know the Pope." Bubba said,"you're on"

So the two took a little trip to the vatican city and when they get the Pope's house, Bubba says to the waiter,"Wait here..."

A few minutes later, Bubba is out on the balcony with the Pope.  Bubba looks down to see the Waiter's reaction, and he sees that he is on his back, passed out.

Bubba rushes down to see if he is ok, and the waiter says "I could take it with the guy in the restaurant...I could take it with the guy on the street...I could take it with the president....but this is nuts!!! The NUN next to me just asked who the guy dressed in white was standing next to BUBBA!!!"