Does anyone know any really funny jokes?

Question

Does anyone know any really funny jokes?

Answer 1

jokes arent funny.

people are funny

Answer 2

Body Info... F. Y. I.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's p***s is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs....

Answer 3

a red head goes into a doctors office. She say, "doc, my whole body hurts!" to prove her point she take her index finger and pokes her arm and yelps "owwww" than does the same to her leg, elbow, and nose, "owwww, owww, owww," The doctor stops her and says "are you naturaly blonde?" she says "um yes" the doctor says "well in that case your index finger is broken"  

Answer 4

type it up on google  

Answer 5

Q: Why was six afraid of seven?

A: Cause seven ate nine

Q: How do you make holy water?

A: You boil the h**l out of it.

Answer 6

there was 2 muffins. they were getting baked and one of them says 'man its HAWT in here!' and the other one goes 'OMG a talkin muffin!!!.

its funny and i love it to death, i once laughee all day at school cause my friend was saying all day =P

Answer 7

I think that these are great:

Joke no 1

A little girl runs out of her school, one day shouting, " Mummy mummy! Today we learnt about number! And everyone else learnt 1,2,3,4,5,

But i learnt 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! Is it cos im blond mummy! is it cos im blond!!"

The mother replies " Yes dear, its because your blond."

The next day the same girl runns out of school and shouts at her mother "Mummy mummy!! Today we learnt about the alphabet! But everyoneelse onlu learnt A,B,C,D,E,F,G, But I learnt A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K!, Is it cos im Blonde mummy!! Is it cos im blonde!"

"Yes dear, its because your blonde."

The next day the same girl came out of school and shouted at her mother " Mummy mummy!! Today we went swimming! But all the other girls, were flat-chested, But look Mummy im not!!(chuckes her b***s into her mums face) Is it cos im blonde mummy!! Is it cos im blonde!!"

" No dear, its because your 23"

Blonde Joke no 2.

A blonde is short of money so she decides to wait after school, and kidnapp a child. So she waits at her old school and sucessfully kidnapps a child, then she pinns a note to his shirt which says:

"GiMmE £10,000 oR i WiLl KeEp

YoUr cHiLd HoStAgE, PuT tHe

PuT tHe mOnEy BeHiNd tHe

sWiNgS In tHe HoLe iN tHe

TrEe, Do ThIs By SuNdOwN

tOmOrRo Or tHe ChIlD GeTs iT!

BlOnDe GiRl"

Then she sends the child home to its parents, with the note pinned to its shirt.

The next day the blonde checks the tree, and sure enough the money was there! But it had a note to ot on it it said:

HoW cOuLd yOu Do tHiS To

A fElLoW BlOnDe!!!!

BlOnDe MuM

Hope you liked these Jokes!=D

Answer 8

No.  

Answer 9

I thought this one was really funny....

Q. What do you call Bob the builder when he retiers?

A. Bob

Answer 10

NO IM JOKELESS WHAT A LIFE I HAVE

Answer 11

what do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

a wonkey

chuck norris fact i made up: chuck norris lifted up a car...from the inside

hope you liked them :D

Answer 12

when a muffin is hot what is happening to it  ?  it's having an o****m

what do you get when you hold 40 british pounds ? 40 pound heavier

a fat woman was doing really good at beating obesity  in the usa when she come to england she done terribly it only started going wrong when she become rich !!!!

a fat woman was doing really great at beating obesity but in a split second she done awful it was all because she was about to pop to the shops in england

a fat woman was doing really good at beating obesity but it went really bad it happened soon as she picked up 100 British pounds. the meter said she is 100 pounds heavier

doctor doctor i got a steering wheel down my pants it's driving me nuts

what do you cross between an eye and an eye ? cross eyed

what will the state of Montana's red light district's be called in the future ? HANNAH MONTANA !!!

Answer 13

I hope you know "English man, Maori man, Irish man" jokes... If you don't you might not get this.

An english man, a maori man and an irish man are all working at constructing a 10 story high-rise building. So, they all sit high in the air on the scaffolding and begin eating their lunch.

The english man looks at his lunch and says, "JAM!  i HATE jam sandwiches! If my wife makes me jam sandwiches again tomorrow I'm going to jump off here."

The Irishman looks at his lunch and says, "HONEY! i HATE honey sandwiches! If my wife makes them again tommorow I'm going to jump off here."

The maori man looks at his lunch, "BEEF! I hate beef sandwiches, if i get them again tomorrow I'M going to jump from here!"

The next day, all the men are back on the scaffolding going through their lunch.

The englishman gets jam sandwiches again, so, just like he said, he jumps off the scaffolding and dies. The irishman gets honey again so he too jumps to his death, and the maori man get beef so he jumps to his death.

That afternoon all the wives meet up. Crying, the english man's wife says, "if he didn't like jam sandwiches so much he should have told me".

The irish man's wife is crying too and tells the other wives,"why didn't he tell me he hated honey so much?"

The maori man's wife starts laughing hysterically, the other two wives ask her "what's so funny." She replies, "My husband made his own d**n sandwiches!"

AND

An english man, a maori man, and an irish man are all about to go down a magic slide that gives you anything you want at the bottom, all you need to do is say it as you're going down.

the english man goes down, "GOLD!!!" he says, and he lands in a pile of gold.

the irish man goes down, "DIAMONDS!!!" and he lands into a pile of diamonds.

the maori man goes down, laughing,  with his hands in the air, "WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

sorry it was so long

Answer 14

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,

where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she

needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the

right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and

stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the

family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed

her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,

you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the

nephew...... 'B*stards won't let me f**t.'

Answer 15

why did the baker have brown hands?

because he needed a poo.   (kneaded)

Answer 16

I wet myself:( Im a big girl now!

Answer 17

THE TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:

01 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

02 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

03 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

04 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

05 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

07 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

08 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

09 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody.

10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.  

Answer 18

This guy walked up to me and said "Im a teepee, im a wigwam, im a teepee im a wigwam" i said relax man your two tense(tents)

Answer 19

yes

Answer 20

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.

"

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please.

"

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set.

"  

Answer 21

One day, a drum and scymbols fell off a cliff.

Bumbum TISH!

XD

Answer 22

why did the chicken cross the road

to get to the other side