Does anyone know anything about adoption etiquette? Specifically should adoptive parents buy the mother a gift

Question

Does anyone know anything about adoption etiquette? Specifically should adoptive parents buy the mother a gift

Answer 1

Because of the legalities, some adoptive parents have been told that they can't give a gift to the 1st mom.  I believe as a human being a small gift, something that couldn't be pawned in a pawn shop for instance, would be appropriate.  After the adoption is final, you can give her something different.  

I made a quilt for my son's 1st mom, and backed it with receiving blankets we used with him.  She had asked me for a homeade quilt, and I thought it would be something she could either use everyday and touch something that was his, or put it up and keep it forever, her choice.  I also had pictures of our son both with her and us both printed, and put on CD, show she'd have them for later on.  This is truly a case where it's the thought that counts.  It would be considered illegal to give her a car or a house or something like that is the main thing, because some women would get pregnant just to get a house or a car, etc.

Answer 2

Yeah, cuz that will totally make up for the loss of her baby.  You should get her a calendar so that she can mark off the days that she has without her baby.  I think you should also get her the help she needs to keep her baby.  Oh but wait, you don't want to do that, now do you?  YOU want her baby.  Why would you want to help her keep her own flesh and blood?

Answer 3

I made a family album of JUST ME to send to my mother. My mom packed in a nice tablecloth.

The tablecloth wasn't her way of saying "thank you", though. It was an unspoken agreement of respect.

And for the record, there is no way you can ever "thank" a mother for giving up her child. A child's soul isn't worth ANY possible piece of materialistic value you could think of.

Much less saying the words "thank you."

Answer 4

Yes, give her a gift. Add a thoughtful Thank You card with a personal message from you and your spouse.

Answer 5

I had identical birthstone rings made for myself and my daughters nmom. Each ring has our birthstones with our daughters stone in the middle. We both wear them and in the future my ring will be given to my daughter.

eta: I didn't do it as etiquette. I simply did it because I wanted to.

Answer 6

I believe you are being sincere in your desire to do something nice for your child's mother and your heart is in the right place, but as you can see, the idea of a trinket can seem almost condescending and even a slap in the face  to a mother who has relinquished (though I don't believe you mean it to be).

Instead, I might suggest waiting until the mother has recovered from childbirth, and then, if she is willing, you could arrange for a professional photo to be taken of your child's first mom and baby, have it framed and give one to the mom and place the other in the nursery, preferably as near the crib as possible.

I think that would be a sincere gesture of respect rather than a thank you and will let the mom know that you consider her important and valuable and an integreal part of the child that you all share. And as your child grows he/she will see the respect you had for that relationship and that it started right from the beginning.

Answer 7

Dear Shawn,

This human being is letting you raise her baby. Is there anything material that you could ever give to her to say "thank you" - absolutely not. IMO, its insulting.

If you really want to give her a "gift", let her be a part of her/your child's life. Include her AFTER the adoption is finalized - and I don't mean a fuzzy picture a few times a year and a bland Chirstmas card with minimal information. Make her a part of your FAMILY - after all, she IS family to her/your child. It would be a "gift" to your/her child too.

If you feel that you must get her a trinket, I suggest a small, high quality clock with a note to remind her that she IS a part of her/your child's life every second of every day. FOREVER.

Thank you for at least having the sense to ask about it.

Good luck and best wishes to all of you I hope you and you family (ALL of it) have a long, happy and healthy future together.

ETA:

Hey Sunny -

I wonder if there would ever be enough sanitary pads to soak up all the "blood" FPs lose through their broken hearts...NAH.

At least he didn't offer to get her a Cabbage Patch with the name changed like that horror story that was posted the other week!

ETA2: BTW, Thank you, Shawn, for also refraining from using the word "birthmother". That is very respectful of you. You made me smile.

ETA3: Kazi, what a lovely idea!

  Snowwillow - you nailed it!

  Shawn, I hope you know I mean you absolutely NO disrespect. I am so glad you even bothered to think about it and I think you are wonderful to have such respect for your child's FM.

Answer 8

"Hmm I wonder if I am doing the right thing, giving my child away... OH LOOK A SPARKLEY! Ok you can have my kid now, SHINY, PRETTY, SO MUCH BETTER THAN BABY!"

or maybe

"Honey if we give her this tennis bracelet I am sure she won't even look at her kid and we can grab it and run"

How would you like to be given a gift after someone rips out your kidneys and leaves you in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice. Would that nice new watch make you miss your kidneys less?

Answer 9

I think the situation is totally different depending on if you are entering into an open or closed adoption.  

I think in a closed adoption, you should refrain from giving any gifts.  Before the birth a gift could be interpretted as "buying" the child - and you won't have a chance after because the adoption is closed.  BTW, I don't think any adoption should ever be closed unless the biological parent wishes it to be.  

Open adoptions are totally different.  I still think you should mostly avoid giving gifts before the adoption, unless you are really close to the mother and give her something to ease the pregnancy.  On the other hand, after the adoption is finalized, a nice gift that commemorates her relationship with the child is always nice.  People have suggested professional photos and quilts.  Both are nice.  You could also put a photo, or a piece of the babies hair in a locket.  You could maybe purchase a nice set of stationary as a gift to show that you are serious about wanting to keep up communication.  Depending on exactly how open you are, you might even buy a digital camera or webcam...  though that might be pushing it.  It would also be appropriate in an open adoption to send birthday and/or chirstmas gifts.  These don't always have to relate to the child, but also shouldn't be "trinkets".  

What you really want to stay away from are things that are purely material.  You don't want to give gift cards, cars, radios, or anything that just shouts "we're spending money on you" because those can feel like a bribe - or maybe feel like you're mocking her for the loss of the baby.

I'm glad you're thinking about everyones feelings in the arrangement.  That's a great first step to make sure the child's live takes a positive turn with the adoption.

Answer 10

OMG I'm laughing my a$$ off at Sunny's comment

Shawn - I know you're probably trying to be sincere with your question so don't take these answers personally but in all seriousness no gift can replace giving a child up.  Although, considering some of the crazy people who try to sell their children on Ebay, you never know.

Answer 11

You have money left over after paying the agency and attorneys?!

Sanitary napkins would be nice.  Women who give birth bleed for about six weeks after they deliver.

Answer 12

Hi,

Im sorry you seem to have gotten so many stupid people who are very bitter about adoption answering your question.

They all seem to have thier own problms with it and are taking them out on you. With that said I'll move on

Im sure you are very greatful to the birthmom and want to just do something nice to show her how greatful you are,  I would say if you wanted to get her a gift I would wait untill the baby id born for anything large, But before the baby is born you could give her something smal that has meaning more than value. I wouldnt get her anything that cost alot cuz she may feel like her baby is being bought. I would get her something that has meaning to it.

I hope all goes well for you and family!

Answer 13

As far as etiquette at a minimum Pap's shouldn't be near them before they have given birth and had a chance to bond with their baby.

Answer 14

I think it would be a nice gesture, but nothing major.  You're probably paying a lot of fees just for the adoption.

Answer 15

Don't give the birthmom a gift unless it's the gift of an open adoption.