Does anyone know where I can find a monologue entitled "The Ordination of Uncle Zeke?"?

Question

It's a monologue about a man who is trying to become a deacon or something, but he keeps getting stories in the Bible mixed up. I have looked everywhere for it, but I can't find it!

Answer 1

Down in the deep south lived a colored man known in his county as “Uncle Zeke.” He became a Christian and began to give his testimony and fill the pulpits of some of the churches in that area. He decided that if he was going to be a preacher, he should be ordained. Accordingly the preachers were called together in a council and ordination proceeded to get under way.

One of the preachers asked the question, “Uncle Zeke, does you know de Bible?”

“Does I know de Bible! Man, I knows de Bible from lid to lid and I knows de lid too, cause it says ‘Holy Bible.’”

Another preacher asked, “What’s yo’ favorite book of de Bible?”

“Well, I likes de book of Luke de best cause it contains de parable of de good Samaritan.”

“One of the preachers said, “Suppose you tells us the story of de good Samaritan.”

“Oh, yeah, there was a man going down de road from Jerusalem to Jericho. As he went down de road, he fell amon thieves and immediately de thorns rose up and choke him a hundred fold: but the angel of the Lawd strove with him and sit him free. Now about that time the Queen Aseba, she come by and give that man 30 pieces of silver. With that 30 pieces of silver he went out and bought hisself a schariot. He got in de schariot and drove furiously until he come to Jupurant tree which he caught his hair in de branches der of and der he hung many days and many nights, and the ravens brought him food ta eat and water ta drink. Till finally, one night Delilah come cut his hair off; and when he fell, he fell on stony ground- some 30 fold, some 60 fold, and some a hundred fold.

“When he looked up, he saw a cloud what wudn’t no beggah than a mustard seed. And it commenst to rainin’ forty days and forty nights. But de Lawd prepared za great fish what swallowed him up for de duration of de great tribulation. Now when de seven years was complete that fish spit him out. When de Lawd had done fed him on manna and quail, he came up out of de cave and when he looked down he saw a great big giant- yeah, it was Golia, but he passed by on de other side.

“As he went down the road further there was a man what told him to come get his supper. He said, ‘Man, I can’t come git my supper. I married a wife and I can’t come.’ That man went into de highways and byways and compel him git his supper. After he had eaten sumptiously, he said, ‘Did not my heart burn within me?’

“And he perceeded down the road and came to Jercho. He seen Jezebel up in de winder. He looked around and said, ‘Who is on de Lawd’s side?’ They said, ‘We is!’ He said, ‘Fling her down boys,’ and they flang her down. He said, ‘Flang her down again, boys,’ and they flang her down again. He said, ‘Flang her down again.’ and they flang he down again. He said, ‘Flang her down again!’ They took that gal to the top of the pinnacle of the Temple, and they flang that gal down 70 times 7, and of the fragments that remained, they picked up twelve baskets full.

“Now, they’s just one question I’d like to ask this council.”

“Uh, what that, Uncle Zeke?”

“Who’s wife she gonna be in the last days of judgment?”