Does anyone that adopted a kid ever wish they'd stayed childfree?

Question

I only ask because I've got 2 kids and sometimes I regret having them. Then I think of people who've adopted and it's like you're stuck with someone else's child. So what if you regretted having them, do you think it's worse if the child's adopted?

Answer 1

OK i find this question a bit out of order. I have 2 kids and yeah sometimes i regret getting pregnant while being young, but I dont regret my kids. I wish I had waited. Adoptive parents will go through the same feelings as a bio mother, so yeah I guess they may feel like they could have waited a bit longer, its a normal feeling. I dont think APs should be made to feel like they have to tippytoe around how they feel toward the adoptee, as everything should be as normal as possible, just as a bio child with the bio mother. I dont think "stuck with some elses child" is a nice way of wording it. I dont suppose that for one minute, the AP thinks as the child as being someone elses child anyway, and the adoptee is NOT anyone elses child. The adoptee is the APs child end of. Blood counts for nothing.

Answer 2

Most everyone regrets having children, regardless of how they got them.

No matter who they are, the chances are 50% that they will devorce, and that means there will be friction over a child, or more.  Nobody wants that, and nobody needs that.

Answer 3

I think this makes no difference. From the day they adopt a child, they feel it's their own anyway. It's like buying a cat. You don't imagine that is the mother's cat. It's yours. So it's the same feeling. Like Tom Cruise. He has his children adopted, but they are his, aren't they? I don't know what to say!! Sometimes it is hard having chidren 247 for yourself, and that's reason i don't have any... but then again, they have the disadvantages but also a great advantage and pleasures... Look at your children in the 'positive view' of having them, than thinking the 'negative' way. Imagine something bad happened to them...? how would you feel then?

Answer 4

I have never wished that I would have stayed childfree.  My son is my world.  I would do anything for him.  

Now there ARE those *moments* that every mom has that makes you ask yourself "why in the world did I become a parent?!?!?" but they are normal and usually during a really bad day or when I'm not sure of my parenting skills.  Every parent usually has them just as every kid usually *hates* their parent for something through the years.

Answer 5

Paula, I think that is a very honest and brave question.

I don't know if it's because they are adopted or if you just don't enjoy parenting. It happens. The important thing is that you realize it's a problem, and for the sake of your children, you must try to do everything possible to love them. Ask yourself, what do I like best about each child? Then focus on that quality and praise them for it.

It is literally impossible to think about 2 things at one time. When you find yourself dwelling on their negative traits, change your thought process and think of something good.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this very real and painful situation. Please don't hesitate to seek counseling to help you through this. You owe that to your children. You owe it to yourself. Best wishes.

Answer 6

Whats most important is that every child is loved unconditionally.

Love your children unconditionally.

There are good reasons to give up a child for adoption and I hope you search your soul completely and look beyond yourself for the best interest of your children.

Answer 7

Due to the number of disrupted adoptions, I'd have to say that yes, there are people who regret having adopted - so much so that they send the kids back.

Like "Spark S" said, I guess it is like buying a cat from the pound - if we don't use the litter box correctly we can be returned.

Answer 8

Paula,

I think your question is an honest one.  I personally have never experienced these feelings with either of my children, the first by adoption and its miracle, and the second by a miracle pregnancy and childbirth.  While only one of my children has may DNA, this does not affect my feelings.

I have, like every other mom around had "those" days where I am frustrated and wonder if the day will ever end and if we will all survive - you know when everyone has a stomach/intestinal bug and there's bodily fluids all over the place!  LOL

Please, if these feelings continue, seek some help to handle them.  Honesty is so refreshing, thank you for being honest, even if it isn't the most popular thing!

Answer 9

Well my poor mum adopted one child, a younger brother for me and an old brother for my youngest sister.  Well everything was ok until he accidentally found out he was adopted and ever since then he doens't want anything to do with this family.  It hurts so bad, my poor mum has had to put up with his ranting and raving over the phone, so this week she changed her number so he won't phone her anymore.  I don't know what it's like to be adopted and I'm not keen to find out, but enough to say, it totally blew his world out of the water, and is now living alone in so not so favourable circumstances.  We all miss him so bad, but he will never come back to the family. as we know it.  I can just feel it.  In a way I wish Andrew never came to us.  But my mum lost a baby in 1966 and came home with an adopted one instead.  Boy is she disappointed in how he turned out, he got treated the same as us girls did.  But I do miss though.

Answer 10

Ummm i have to agree with Sarahhhhh on this question. why would you regert having kids, they are blessings wither they are adopted or not.

Answer 11

It's ok to be less than perfect, I mean what sort of kids would you raise if you were perfect all the time?

At least being honest with yourself you can deal with the problem honestly.

I don't know what happens with adopted children, I supose it's just the same. I mean when a baby relies on you you bond. its just the way it is.

Answer 12

I'm childfree for a number of reasons, one of which that I think it is much better to (theoretically) regret Not having children, then to regret having them.

I too think your question is brave. I have a number of childed friends who have admitted to me in hushed tones that they wish they could have a "do-over".

Now about adoption, the stats are there. Numerous adoption disruptions, similiar to returning a coat that doens't quite fit right.

As an aside, I disrupted my adoption. When I was 15 I left my adopters, and never returned.

And no matter what any adopters say, they are raising someone else's kid. DNA doesn't lie.

Answer 13

Not for a single second have I ever wished that I was child-free.  My daughter is the light of my life and now with a grandchild and one on the way, there are 3 shining stars in my life.  I never felt like I was stuck with someone else's kid. Raising an adopted child doesn't feel like you are raising someone else's child--you are raising a child that you love thru and thru who IS your child.  Now that she is grown and married, we are best friends I can't imagine my life without her.

Raising a child can be exhausting and sometimes I just wished I had a day "off" but if I got a babysitter, and went shopping or something, I'd miss her terribly.

Hopefully, you can ask your parents or sibbling, or a friend to keep your kids for a day weekend so you can "recharge".

Answer 14

Paula, I think you've asked an honest question and made a comment that everyone feels but no one every admits to.  I think all parents, adoptive and biological, have a few moments when they think that their life was easier without their children - but in the end you'd rather have them than not have them.   However, I think you're mistaken about adoptive parents.  I am an adoptive parent of a now 9 1/2 month and I've loved her unconditionally, and felt she was mine, since the day I met her (the day she was born).   The adoption was final about 5 months later and everyone said that I must be so excited because she was finally mine - but the truth is that she was mine from the day I met her in the hospital (I brought her home three days later), and the court proceeding was just a formality to me.  Do I sometimes wish my life was the way it was before?  Of course..I can't do what I want when I want anymore.    But I have never "been stuck with someone else's child"  and I do not regret having her.

Answer 15

There are between 9-25% adoption "disruptions" every year in the United States depending on the ages of the children. That is nearly 1 in 4 in older child adoptions.

http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/s_disru...

In 2001 there were just over 120,000 adoptions in the United States, you can do the math.

http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/s_adopt...

Answer 16

i dont think your a bad mum at all for having these feelings but i dont think you regret having them. at the end of the day, if they were taken away from you, you wouldnt be able to live without them. being a parent can get tough sometimes (or alot of the time) and it gets hard to deal with. maybe you need a holiday just for yourself to relax a bit.

and i havent adopted but im sure if i did i would think of them as my own not as someone elses kid.

Answer 17

Hello, Paula: a brilliant question - and a brave one, too, in my estimation. How right you are! I was an adoptee many (!) years ago, and my step-parents readily admitted that they wished they had never bothered adopting me. I do think it's worse, as you say, if the child is adopted: step-parents are stuck with a child which isn't even theirs. I feel that many people often wish they hadn't had children - but very few would be honest enough to admit that.

Looking back on my childhood, I really wish that my step-parents had left me where I was: they were cruel and abusive, and childhood is something I will very rarely discuss, even all these years later.

I feel that those who wish to remain child-free should be honest enough to say so: better to do that than adopt a child and regret it.

Thanks for a really interesting question.

Answer 18

every parent has been there even if for a moment, for many of us it is a fleeting thought in a difficult moment.  honestly without our children natural or adopted our lives would be really empty i hope you will feel that way too

p.s. an adopted child once adopted is no longer someone elses its yours in every sense of the word

Answer 19

Interesting question, Paula.  I'll send you a buck if you can get an adoptive parent to admit to regretting adoption...

Adopted children are 'returned' in the US 10-25% of the time.  How many bio kids do you know who are sent to foster care?  

It's politically incorrect to admit that raising a child that was born to someone else is different than raising your own, so I doubt you'll find a taker.

Answer 20

Im coming to the conclusion that you dont like being a parent from both of your questions. Looks like you need to get your priorities straight, its not the kids fault, don't make them suffer.

A good mom NEVER regrets having their child

Answer 21

I almost believe that people that adopt have weighed all of their options and are "longing" for a child; unlike those that get the "surprise" and a child comes 9 months later whether they like it or not.

But, remember, being a parent is not always peaches and cream. It will be hard...but the rewards are outstanding!! : )