Does anyone think those adopted as babies or very young children should NOT try to find their birth parents?

Question

Before anyone goes crazy, let me make two things clear:

I am not adopted.

I am not judging anyone who does want to find their birth parents. I just want to know the other side of the coin.

I am, curious to see if anyone thinks differently.

I guess, specifically, if there are any adopted parents who inwardly (even if they keep it from their kids) feel a little betrayed or angry when their child says "I'm going to find my REAL family."

Yell at me if you need to, but please answer the question.

P.S. Please notice that I said babies or very young children...I meant that to imply someone who did NOT have memories or the "attachment of experience" with their birth parents.

Answer 1

I think that if they are that curious and really want to know no one should stop them. It is not uncommon because even though you are not adopted, if you were wouldn't you be the slight bit curious???

Answer 2

I am an adoptive parent who adopted with a semi-open adoption. I know the birth mother's name and whereabouts although she does not know ours. I speak only highly of her to my daughter.  If my daugher (who is only in pre-school) ever talks about meeting her birth mother some day, I support this. I realize that my daughter will probably want to meet with her birth mother and I love my daughter without reservation so I only want what is best for her. Angry? No. Betrayed. No again. A little frightened about losing her? Maybe... although I realize that this probably is silly.  Love is the one thing that multiplies when divided.

Answer 3

l think it's just personal choice on behalf of the child/adult who was adopted.  l have only ever known two people who were adopted, one was adopted at infancy, one was around five l think.  Both of these people had no attachment to the birth family, nor was it a case of leaving their family to join the birth family.....they just had questions that they wanted answering.  l think it's just normal curiosity about where they came from.  lt must be quite overwhelming at times to think that your life could have been completely different, or you could have been raised in a totally different family had things not happened the way they had!  For my part, my husband and l are foster parents, and we're currently adopting our son, he's only 19 months old, but we will always be completely open with him about his origins.  lt's not a dirty secret, or something to be ashamed of!  We're proud to have him join our family, just as we're proud to have a child join our family by birth.  We are just completely matter of fact about it, we will neither critisize his birth parents, nor will we paint them in a 'heroic' light.  The situation is what it is, and l will fully expect him to want to find out for himself when he gets older.  l hope this answers your question, that l don't think it's any reflection at all on the parents, when you're a parent, you know that you are the child's 'real' mom, and believe me, children always know who their parents are!

Answer 4

I think it is completely up to the adopted person.

Answer 5

I was adopted when I was a baby. And I am meeting my biological family in five weeks!!!! I am now 20 years old. But I had an open adoption which means it is legal to be in contact with my biological family so I have been talking to them since I was ten!!!!

I've only referred to my biological mother as my " real mother" once or twice and that was when I was only 6 years old. I'm adopted into a white family and I am african-american. But as I got older I realized that my real family was the one who had raised me. Not that I don't love both families equally, but in truth my heart belongs to the ones who healed my scraped knees, let me cry on their shoulders and answered my every question.

Maybe I phrased that poorly but that was the best way I can think of.

My parents also are behind me 100% about me meeting up with my biological family and if they were at all hesitant about me going then I wouldn't go.

Answer 6

I would just like to say that I wanted to keep the childs parents from the child when we looked at adoption  but after doing foster care, no matter how bad the parents are the child has the right to know as they are the parents and they're is a connection.  With your father I think no matter how bad he is or for what reason he gave up that right he is still your birth father and he is part of you.  Just for your life and you being on earth is  thanks to your dad being there no matter how much of a role he has played.  Being a christain and a mum I know parents aren't perfect but our father in Heaven is and wants to spend time with us and that's cool to know.

Answer 7

I think that the right to search out their birth parents belongs to the child that was adopted.  I am adopted and my parents have always told me and my sister that if we ever choose to find our birth parents they would support us 100%.  There are certain situations where a birth parent does not give a medical history and if something should happen to the baby/child growing up that requires knowing that information then it would be the choice of the parents and child.

I myself have no desire to seek out my birth parents, but the option is always out there.  Some adoptive parents might be upset, but they have to remember that it is something that could happen and if they love their child they will support them in their life's decisions and be there if things do not work out.

Answer 8

I think it depends on the situation in which the child was given up for adoption. I think that when the child finds out they r adopted that they may feel that they were unwanted by their birth mother/father.which may cause low self esteem among other things.If the child knows that they r loved by not only their adoptive parents but very much so by their birth mother so much so that it would of been very selfish 4 the birth mother not 2 give up their rights and let the child go despite the gut renching pain of letting the child go to a better home where the child will have a much better life than the birth mother could have ever given it-I think that cooperation on both behalfs- the adoptive and birth parents is the best way 2 let the child know how very special thay are.And that they r loved very much by EVERYONE & that it was never a case of "not being wanted" but a case of being loved so much that despite the pain the mother loved enuf 2 let them go so they would have a better life. I hope I've helped I'm rambling now so....

Answer 9

I don't think anyone should decide who should and who shouldn't find their birthparents except the adoptee.  It might be natural for the adoptive parents to feel a little rejected, but I think it is a responsibility of being an adoptive parent (which I am) to be understanding that you are not your child's first family.  WANTING TO FIND BIRTHFAMILY DOES NOT MEAN THAT THE CHILD FINDS THE ADOPTIVE FAMILY IN ANY WAY DEFICIENT.  It may just means they have questions about themselves and their whole life (their life didn't begin with their adoptive family).  They may want to know the reasons they were relinquished for adoption.  They may want to know if they look like anyone in their birthfamily.  They may want to know if their birthfamily thinks about them.  They may want to let their birthfamily know that they did a good thing and they have a good life.

Answer 10

Sometimes, people need to know what happened.  To find out why someone gave them up.

At age 5, my grandson started asking about his (absent) father.  He needed to know.  We told him, with as much kindness as possible.

Answer 11

I think they should try to find their birth parents if they want to but if they don't then they shouldn't be forced to do so.

Answer 12

It is very natural to seek out your birth parents, this is a personal decision that the adoptee will make when the timing is right.

Answer 13

I think it would be a natural curiosity for most if they knew there was another family out there.

Answer 14

I think it depends on the individaul. They have the right to get whatever answers to whatever questions they might have. It seems only natural to wonder about who and where you came from. I don't think parents who give kids up for adoption have the right to find them and impose in their lives.

Answer 15

I think it is their choice after they become adults. My ex mother in law was adopted and said she never had any interest in finding her birth parents because her adopted parents were all she needed. She said she didn't want to find her birth mother and be disappointed because she was a crack addict or something.

I think finding your birth parents may be setting yourself up for disappointment. But really it is their choice. Not being adopted myself, I couldn't imagine the amount of curiosity that must come from that situation.

Answer 16

It's natural to want to know. so go seek answers! You may be delighted or very disappointed, but at least you'll know. Make sure to get all your family history when you go see them !!!!  You may need for medical reasons

Answer 17

It is up to the individual.

Answer 18

ya

Answer 19

I'm an adoptive mother. Both of our children were adopted internationally, and we know very little about our children's birth families. I actually really hope that someday they can meet their birthmothers, and to be honest I would like to meet them too. They will always be a part of our lives even if my children never are able to have contact with them.

Answer 20

I'm adopted and I never knew my parents. All I know is that my parents were not married and I only have the name of my mother. I have been thinking about finding more info about my birth mother since high school and my friend have also been thinking of the same thing.

Answer 21

I believe that they should.  Everyone should at least see where they come from.

Answer 22

I think that if I found out that I was adopted or that the man I know as my father wasn't my biological father, I'd want to go seek them/him out. I'd want to know where I came from. I think that's only a natural response.

Answer 23

I think it's okay. It's just a matter of curiosity of where your family came from.

Answer 24

Yep. l agree.  lf you give your baby away, that's it.  Too bad.

Answer 25

That's just awful.  Putting the adopted parents agenda over the needs of the adopted person is just awful.

Adoptive parents know right well that the children they adopt have families of origin.  To think that the adopted person wouldn't want to go and find out their nature is absolutely naive.  Even children adopted at birth have a connection to their family of origin.  Please read the following adopted persons' blogs to see why what you are suggesting is so offensive.

http://ibastard.wordpress.com/

http://joy21.wordpress.com/

http://miassavinggrace.wordpress.com/

http://ungratefullittlebastard.blogspot....

Answer 26

to me the real family is the adopted family.  i know that when a person finds out they are adopted there is curiousity.  they want to know about bro/sis, health, looks, etc.  if i had been adopted, i would only search if i had 100% support from my family and i would constantly remind them that the love and bond i shared with them is stronger than blood.  there may be sadness or insecurity that they might be replaced so i would want them along every step of the way.  to be adopted is a special thing.  they are chosen to be part of a family.

Answer 27

I am a mother because I adopted a baby. I maintain contact through my case worker with the birth parents. If my child wishes to meet his birth parents then I will support him. I even have pictures of them to show him from when I met them. The birth parents know what he looks like and what is going on in his life because I send letters through the case worker.  If my son does wish to meet them some day, I admit that I will be scared and have fears of losing him. But I feel it is his choice. My brother was adopted and he had no desire to meet his birth parents..  I think it is a case by case situation.