Does his sound remotely interesting?

Question

It's a stupid poem I wrote that isn't finished. I'm debating on whether I should hurl it in the direction of the nearest garbage can, or brighten it up with my fantastic writing skills. (Or lack thereof...Whatever.) Please don't copy it or I will hunt you down and hurt you. Okay not really. It's called "Back to black."

*Prologue*

"When life lacks of the plastic rainbow-shaped brightness that once filled the the emptiness,

When the only source of happiness is through out-of-focus memories,

When copious razor blade slashings cannot cure the embedded sorrows that fill every pore."

Clothed entirely in dark attire

Stepping back safely into the shadows

Sealing off the last traces of light

And that's all I got so far. Is it any good? I know poems are supposed to capture your attention, but I'm only 15, And I have no razor blade experience. Any changes, corrections or suggestions? And no I'm not "emo." God, that's so lame. Sterotype much?

Answer 1

I completely agree with the above (or will it be below?) answerer. The only problem that I can notice is this: "... filled the the emptiness." There should only be one the. It is INTENSELY interesting. I don't think it's too much stereotype (not like I have any experience either, heheh) but it is a very sorrowful, but beautifully dark piece. You use strong words that have great impact. The title is interesting, I would probably read a piece titled that. Do not hurl it in with the banana peals! You are wonderful! The garbage can doesn't deserve to swallow this amazing piece! I'm eleven, but I think you're good for your age! And don't take this lightly-- there are some unnamed grown ups whose works are horrible, much worse than yours. Not all, just some. Do you have an account on allpoetry.com? It is a great place to share poetry, read poetry, and get critiques on poetry. The community is great. I'm sure you would fit right in.

Answer 2

No, but hers does.

Answer 3

SHAKES THE COMPUTER SCREEN.......

MORE MORE MORE.....

where is it????

SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE...

I want to know how it ends. Don't hurl it.... FINISH it.

Don't need no stinking poetic cliff hangers..... :D