Does it bother you when adoptive parents say this?

Question

they'll say "oh you look just like i did when i was your age" or just about anything that suggests that you have the same qualities. it really annoys me because in reality we can't have the same genes if i'm adopted. just wanted to see how everyone else felt about those kind of remarks.

Answer 1

not really I don't think there always talking about the way you look as maybe the way you dress or hold yourself and talk. things that they instilled upon you when the raised you.

Answer 2

Yea it bothers me. This couple who has my grandson and the birth mother tried that saying my son's child looks like the couple's real child because my grandson was blond hair and blue eyes. Get real he looks like his natural father and mother. If god had made the child to look like them and be just like them he would have gave them to them the natural way.   This is there sick way of pretending that the child was always theirs.

Answer 3

Hey,

I think it's nice when adoptive parents say that because that just mean they  look at the adopted child just as one of their biologial children, and no different. When you are adopted the parents you get are your parents no matter who you were born to, and therefore I think it's nice when they treat you just as if you were biologically born to them. Of course I can see it getting annoying if they do it constantly, but one or twice is ok =D

If other people (as in not my parents) said things like that, then I would get hurt. They have no right to say "untrue" comments like that and hearing them say that would just make the child more aware that they were "different", instead of feeling alike. When other people make comparisons between mother and adoptive child then they in a way seem as if they are trying to "hide" the fact that the child is adopted, as if the child was not told by their parents.

Have a nice day! <3

Answer 4

actually that's not always true, sometimes adoptees (especially if they were adopted young) can have some of the same traits (psychically or personality) that their adoptive parents do/did, especially if they are of the same heritage (black, white, native etc) This happens with best friends sometimes too. Sometimes, when girls are at camp together they all start their periods around the same time because they often eat the same food, get the same amount of exercise etc.

Answer 5

Genes are not the only factor-adoptive children take on facial expressions and mannerisms of their "parents". I don't think you should be annoyed by this as it is probably people trying to make you feel a part because they love you.  I have a daughter that looks more (and acts more) like me than her birth mother!!! Good Luck

Answer 6

It annoys me a little bit when my parents say it about my brother, because my brother CLEARLY does not resemble my father AT ALL. I on the other hand, look a lot like both my parents.  It's a strange coincidence, people know I'm adopted, but they still tell me that I remind them of my parents.   I don't mind it at all and I take it as a compliment.  The fact that I am adopted doesn't run through my mind constantly and it is RARELY if ever discussed in my family. That is how it should be! Who wants to be constantly reminded that you're not really your parents child? Not I, says me!

Answer 7

When I was young - sometimes I didn't mind it - as I just wanted to fit in.

Now - it drives me nuts - especially since I've met some of my bio sibs - and we are SO alike.

Prior to that - I had no idea what it meant to REALLY look like and act like someone else.

Those that are not adopted - can never understand what it feels like to not ever meet another that you are genetically related to.

When they (non-adopted peeps) live with it on a daily basis - they take it completely for granted.

Answer 8

This really upsets me.I hate it and will go in a angry rage.I want my real parents back

Answer 9

I don't know about you, but I am still of the same human race as my parents (or anyone else, for that matter)!

I sometimes say to complete strangers, that we have the same eyes, or they are goofy just like me.  Sometimes I have told people that they are caramel skinned just like I was when I was little.

My parents have said that I have eyes like my great grandmother.  I like that!  I like that connections goes far beyond biology.  It crosses the human lines.

I have said to my children, bio or through adoption, that they have a forehead like their father's, or that they have none of his musical ability.  It is about that we are all more connected than just through genes.  That is one way to be like someone else, but there are so many ways!  That makes me feel good.  Not as small in this world.  I have things in common with lots of people, and that feels great!

Afterall, science has proven that we are all related anyway!

Answer 10

I am not adopted but i have cousins who are and they feel completley different to you  the one a girl (don't want to reveal her name for privacy reasons) loved the fact that when her neice was born (her adoptive sisters daughter) she had the same colour hair as her and no one else on our side of the family. also her and her real brother (my aunty adopted them together) asked to have their names changed when they was old enough so that they had family middle names. so as all children/People that are adopted are different perhaps your adoptive parents feel as if they are making you feel more welcome and more apart of their family, as i understand all you know about your natural mother has come from your adoptive parents, who obviously told you this as they felt you needed to know so they obviously want you to feel a connection with her so if it really annoys you talk to them about it, i'm sure they will understand. But before you do think about it no sure they can't say you look like them, but they are the people who brought you up so you are bound to carry some of there qualities after all this is what they have brought you up and taught you to be like.

hope this helps

Answer 11

it does get a little annoying. i think they are just trying to be polite, but it back fires on them when i say "uhh im adopted" then they are just sorta like ... "umm... right!! when u two look a like anways!!"

Answer 12

Since my child is a different race than i am i would just look d**n stupid saying this.

Answer 13

People often say those things to our family also.  We have two children by adoption.  Really, they don't look like us but people always say they do.  We are very honest with our children.  We have met their birth parents and we have kept photo books of their birth families for them.  Just the other night I was laying in bed with our 4 year old daughter tucking her in for the night and I told her "you are so beautiful, do you know who you look like".  She said "who" and I said " you look so much like your birth mother "J".  My daughter just smiled and nodded her head yes.  The world will never see our families the way we do and they will never know the dynamics of our love.  I embrace our differences.  We are who we are.

Answer 14

im not adopted but if you knew you were i think that personally would hurt bad.

Answer 15

My son is hispanic and I am white.  I hear something similar from family and friends:  "He is just like you!"   That is meant for mannerisms and not looks, though.

My son is 3, so I don't know how he REALLY feels about that.  I am fine with it unless he shows he is not.

Answer 16

That bothers me to no end. I am blonde blue, short, oval face, pointy chin. My adoptive parents are brunette green, tall, round faces, chubby chins.  It gets SO annoying!! I am not their biological child; if they would accept that it would be a lot easier for all of us.

Answer 17

I was adopted so I understand and agree with you.  I think your adoptive parents probably say things like that because they are looking for as many ways as possible to identify with you more and make you feel a part of them.  As long as they love you and are good to you is the most important thing.....although your individuality should also be respected and embraced.

Answer 18

I have two adopted children (of the three that I have) and while I am Caucasian my one daughter is East Indian and the other is Native American Indian.  

I don't dwell on any physical similarities because on the surface there are none however there are mannerisms and some of their physical traits that do look like my wife or I when we were their ages.

Lets face it, when people spend lots of time together (man/wife, best friends, parents/children) it is only natural for them to recognise similarites and to be acting the same.  

I'd take it as a compliment since they obviously don't mean any harm.  I know in my case I don't even think of my daughters as adopted unless someone else mentions it or asks.  They are 100% "my daughters", as much as if they were physically born to me.  I'm sure your parents think the same.  Revel in it and be proud.

Answer 19

It sometimes bothers me when people say it to us. I don't feal its important for them to resemble us.

We have adopted our three youngest children I hear all the time that they look just like me.

My mother often tells my daughter "You look just like Nana, you have my blue eyes".

I prefer to correct her each time and say No she has *****'s beautiful blue eyes.

I love that my family loves our children just as if they were born to us but in no way do I want my kids to loose the healthy connections they have with their first family.

Answer 20

A person may not have the same genetics as their adoptive parents. However that doesn’t mean that an adoptee cant have the same qualities or be similar to their adoptive parents in other ways because they can.  When your parents say you look like them they probably for a moment forget that your adopted. If it bothers you I would sit down and tell them this.

Answer 21

I am adopted and also have 2 adopted children- and I did not really look like either of my 2 adopted parents- however I am a musician just like my mom, so I would get "you got your talent from your mother"- you know how I answered that?  "she taught me well"- it never bothered me.  And actually to be perfectly honest with you- my daughter when she was 3 years old looked almost exactly like I did at 3.  We would have our 2 pics together and if her pic was not in black and white they would never have told the difference.  Our son looks similar to his dad as well- and as I said before we adopted them.  They think it is cool.  we believe that God picked those children for us.  Sorry if this is something that offended you, however you asked how we feel, so I answered honestly.

Answer 22

When I was younger I was always pleased when people told me that they thought I was like my adoptive mother in looks as she was a very beautiful person on the outside but as I got older it annoyed me when I was told this as,by then,I had come to the realisation that what others saw was only skin deep and we were completely unalike underneath and that I could and would not ever be as she was if anything the qualities I have were passed on to me by her mother by actions and words and if ever anyone told me that I was like a family member I would always tell them she was who I was like

Answer 23

Denial.

And it's part of the "pretend" game. Let's pretend that adoption is just like and/or just as good as having a child the normal way.

Puke.

And you are entitled to any and all resentments about being adopted. I assume you did not give your consent?

Neither did I.

Answer 24

My adoptive daughter and I are related. The woman on this side of the family share many physical features and similar personalities. People often mistake the cousins for sisters.

So to me this doesn't seem unusual.

Answer 25

my husband who is adopted looks just like his brother who is not adopted. they were both blondes at birth and have the same build and height..  my husband is proud to be adopted and to look so much like his adopted family.. Be proud to be adopted  you were a gift   your adopted parents wanted you and for them to say you look like them.. must mean they are proud of you.. i am of my son.

Answer 26

I am not the least bit upset by it.  I have been told I look like my Dad, Mother, sister, brother even my step-mother...lol.  I find it funny and so does my family.  It sounds like you put a lot of distance between you and your adopted family.  Just relax a little.

Answer 27

I have always welcomed it because the less in common I can have with my bio parents the better.  My b-dad abused me and my b-mom allowed it to happen.  

I think my Mom (adoptive) said these things to make me feel better and to help me to feel like a part of her.  

I always say that the "jeans" my (adoptive) Mom & I share are the ones that can be thrown in the washer and they're the best kind!

Answer 28

While I always appreciate the ways in which my daughters are different from me, and I know we don't share the same genes, things do come up that are the same - facial expressions, interests, turns of phrase.

It is natural to mention them - it promotes bonding on both sides. After all, we ARE a family, it's nice to see what IS similar, even while appreciating what is different.

My kids are a different race from me. I have no illusions of them looking "just like me" or anything like that. But my youngest is very musical, as I am, and loves to sing, as I do. My oldest takes a great interest in politics and has a nonsense attitude towards things, as I do. It's normal to see the similarities in someone you love.

Don't people feel that way about their spouses as well??? They don't share the same genes either, after all.

Answer 29

you sound like you resent being adopted, give the love back that is given

Answer 30

I have never heard an ap say this, I do tell my son that he sleeps just like me because when he gets up in the morning, the covers are all pulled up from under the mattress and he is all balled up in the middle of them...he laughs every time I tell him this...he thinks it's funny!

Answer 31

Yes

Especially when people found out I was adopted, when I told them that is, And i would get "really but you look so much like your mum/dad/brother" etc

PUKE yeah right