Does it change your opinion of someone if you find out she has given a baby up for adoption?

Question

When I was going through my divorce I had 3 boys under 4 the youngest was 6months old. I then got raped and that resulted in a pregnancy. I was talking to a friend and mentioned I had four babies in 5 years. She said what and I told her. She said I was the worst mother in the world,

Answer 1

No, not at all. As an adoptee and the mother of adopted kids, I can only imagine how difficult that must be to do and how self-less of an act it is. However, I was so disgusted by a woman at work who bragged she'd had four abortions over her lifetime that I stopped seeing her socially. She was implying that I'd have been better off aborted than adopted.

EDIT: Wow, a lot of people seem to disagree with me that repeated abortions are not an appropriate form of birth, nor something to brag about, especially in front of someone who is adopted. Very cold, people.

Answer 2

I am glad you asked the one question everyone seemed to be affraid to ask. I am a mother of a teenage daughter and I am also a mother of a child whom I adopted out 12years ago and I will tell you the hardest thing about the whole adoption was wondering what kind of opinion this child would have of me after he was told he was adopted.

I worried and fussed over this for several years. Then one day I had a revelation and I knew in my heart that the love I had given this child by giving him to a home that could give him all the things that I couldn't and giving these parents a chance to have the child of thier dreams it almost seemed as if God had set it up this way. I am very glad to have done what I did and I have no regrets what so ever. I would hope that because I had the courage to fight and stand up and do what was right that it would give the people I come in contact with during my life time would respect my decision and know that my love gave that child a home and two great people the chance to love a child they could not concieve on their own. I would never ask anything more of a mother than to love her child enough to know when it is time to share her child with some one who could provide the care and loveit needs even if she wasn't able to provide it her self.

I do hope this helps you.

Answer 3

No because I feel like atleast they did what they felt was best for the child at the time and gave another person who might have been trying for awhile a chance to be a mom/dad.  

Answer 4

Sure it does...but read on before you assume the worst.  :-)  Everything I learn about *any* person changes (to some degree) my opinion of them.  It doesn't, however, necessarily change it in a 'bad' way.  It doesn't necessarily mean I would suddenly think badly of a woman that I had, up to then, thought well of.

This has happened to me more than a few times.  I am adopted and I share that fact frequently in the process of getting to know new people.  Once I like them, that is, and once I'm sure it's more than just a passing acquaintence.  Before that, they're not 'important' enough (to me) for me to share such a personal thing with.  I've noticed a kind of pattern.  When I mention that I'm adopted, a lot of people ask me how I feel about my natural mom.  In the case of women who have lost/relinquished a child/children to adoption, they ALWAYS ask.  :-)

I love my natural mother very much.  We 'found' each other (over the internet) a few years ago and now share a very lovely, and loving, relationship.  If she had not wanted contact with me, I would still love her.  I loved her before we re-connected.  That wouldn't change if a relationship was not possible.  I can't explain why...that's just me.

When I respond with love for and acceptance of my first mother, many who are first mothers themselves have shared that with me.  If it seems okay to do so, I ask them to tell me more.  Whether they do share more or not, and regardless of their 'reasons' for relinquishing, I don't usually come away with less respect for them...or feeling negatively about them...or having my opinion changed in a bad way.  I say usually because it has happened -- once.  There was one girl (I am significantly older than she is) who shared her specific situation with me and it *did* leave me a little less...um...impressed with her.  That was a very specific case, though.  I still didn't 'hate' her or think she was 'bad' or 'wrong'...I just 'saw' her a little differently.  It wasn't because she'd relinquished a child for adoption.  It had to do with some of the feelings she expressed.  We still had a friendship (of sorts -- we worked together) after that.

I don't know if that helps answer your question.  I'm disgusted by what your (so-called) "friend" did to you.  Even that is just my opinion.  BUT -- please believe me on this one -- you are NOT the worst mother in the world...not even close!

Take care!

Answer 5

It is commendable that you did that. You did what you believed was best for your child. That is real love. You are brave for that. Your friend doesn't know what the h**l she is talking about. You are a good person for being able to do what you did. Most people would have resulted to abortion instead of giving life like God intended.

Answer 6

How insensitive of her!  She didn't even know the circumstances!  

It doesn't change my opinion.  It does make me want to hear their story, though.

I go to a support group for LGBT parents and their motto is "Respect All Paths To Parenting".  She should have respected yours.

Answer 7

I does not affect my own opinion but i can tell you that MOST of society sees us as unfit heartless abandoners who must have deserved to lose our child (whether it was 'voluntary' or not).  If you give up your child, you brand yourself as being an unfit mother, because adoption is legalized abandonment and is meant as a service to provide homes for unwanted children.  That is the truth of it.  But you get agencies making money off of brokering children, so they promote the idea that it is "a loving option" to surrender your child.  And many people here have listened to that myth, whether they themselves gave away a child they loved (a huge contradiction -- the action does not mirror the emotions) or whether they have adopted.  

I don''t know why you surrendered your baby, it sounds like poverty (financial coercion) and social coercion (lack of support) may have forced you to do it as  I know many women who have been raped and have kept their babies and been very happy.  

But yes you will find out that you will be treated as the scum of the earth, because society in general cannot reconcile the image of a "good mother" with a mother who has given away a child to adoption and thus shows herself "unfit' by her own judgement.

"Crackwhore birthmother" is a stereotype we all get judged by.  

Answer 8

Please do not listen to the woman who spoke such words, you did what you thought was best for the child. God bless you as you gave a family a child to love.  

Answer 9

No.....

There are lots of adoption support groups online that can help you. It sounds like you need the support of others adoptees.

http://reunion.adoption.com

Great Articles

http://www.adoption-help.org

Support Groups:

http://groups.msn.com/TheForgottenPeople

Yahoo! Groups

http://groups.yahoo.com

SearchingRegistry

familytiesadoptionsearch

adoptee-support

soaringangels

usaadoptiondatabase

touchedbyadoption

Google Groups

alt.birthright

alt.support.adoption

alt.support.adoption

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Answer 10

I didnt know I had a half sister until I was 19. My mom had a child as a teenager and her parents made her put her up for adoption. I met her when I was 23. Im 26 now. Yes, it really changed the way I looked at my mom. I didnt have less respect or anything, but it was just strange like I felt like I didnt know the real her my whole life. Hard to explain but its very weird.

Answer 11

Not at all,I actually think better of them because they knew that for one reason or another that they would not be able to care for the baby and did the next best thing and gave it up to a couple who can.Its a h**l of a lot better than abortion.Now those I do think differently of...my sister in law got one and I've never looked at the same as I did beforehand.(also it was elective not medically needed). But no I would not change my opinion on a friend who gave a child up for adoption.

Answer 12

I am actually dealing with this right now.  I surrendered my younger daughter for adoption at birth over a year ago.  I am torn at times about how I should feel.  Some feel I should just move on and act like she doesn't exist, and others feel I should be a grief stricken mess.  An acquaintance of mine knew I was pregnant when we lost contact with one another.  Over a year later, we ran into each other and I told her about what happened.  She cut off complete contact with me.  When we finally reconnected about 6 months later and she saw my Myspace stuff about my surrendered daughter, she understood a little better.  She had assumed that the adoption did not bother me and that I basically just dumped my baby off and moved on with my life.  When she found out that this was far from the truth, she felt horrible for even thinking it and gave me a huge apology, saying she was selfish and cold to ever assume that I did not want or love my other child.  We are still trying to mend the friendship.  

Answer 13

That was NOT your friend. You did what was right for you and your baby ask the people that took him. I bet they think your the best !

Answer 14

That is crazy! It takes a lot of heart to do that. I think it is way better than abortion. I say it takes a better person to do what you have done.

Answer 15

I am so sorry your "friend" could not be more understanding and supportive.  When I meet a birth mother who is making an adoption plan for a child, I see someone who is emotionally strong and courageous, unselfish, able to think of the child's needs before her own, able to be objective about her own parenting abilities and situation at the time, and able to give to some couple the greatest gift one human can give another--a child to raise and enjoy throughout life.

I hope your life is getting better.  I hope your adopted child is receiving loving care, and that your other children are doing well.  I think you did the right thing for everyone in your situation, and it was a very tough situation.  Take pride in your maturity and strength.  Blessings...

Answer 16

Are you kidding? It takes a strong and brave woman to bring a baby into the world and give it up to another family to raise! You could easily have had an abortion and ended it right there, but you cared enough about this baby to carry it to term knowing that it wouldn't be raised by you. You are a powerful and admirable woman. I have so much respect for you! Your friend is wrong - you are an amazing mother!

Answer 17

No, in my opinion. I think mothers who give their child/ren up for adoption are some of the world strongest women. I would be very honored to know a person like that.

Answer 18

WHAT???? I am so sorry your "friend" said that to you. I'm certainly hoping you dropped her.  

Answer 19

No, it just proves they are a strong person for finding the child a better home.

Answer 20

Drop her as a friend.

It is the most amazing thing any woman can do -- make an unselfish choice such as adoption. You gave your child life, you gave the gift of parenthood to a couple.

You are an angel here on earth. :)

Answer 21

I use too. I would think they were the worst person ever. But as i grew up i understood that life happens, sometimes not at our choosing. So, how could i judge someone, when i havent' walked a mile in their shoes? People who don't judge have a happier and peaceful life, i have found that to be true. I still struggle at times with judging people, but it is getting better,

Answer 22

No, I respect a person who does this!

Abortion on the other hand, is the death knell to any relationship or friendship that there may have been as far as I am concerned.

Answer 23

No! As a matter of fact it makes me think more highly of them as a person. My husband and I have adopted two children. One whose birth mother will never be known and my other child we knew the birth mother and met her and we were actually present at the hospital for the delivery. We saw how extremely difficult it was on her and all of the conflicting emotions she was going through. She was/is and awesome person who just was unable to take care of her child and wanted to do the right thing by giving her to a couple who were able to take proper care of her. What she did, and you did was an extremely unselfish act. I will be honest and say that I don't know if I would be able to do it had I been in my daughter's BM shoes. She and you are the heroes in the situation. Too many people when they get pregnant are not ready for the child and they know that but they just think that th babies life will somehow adapt to their own and move on ahead with having the baby when in fact I feel that they oftentimes shouldn't. I am not saying everyone who gets pregnant has to have all of thier ducks in a row and thier lives totally together but they do have to be ready to stop putting themselves first and sometimes adults have a real difficult time in this situation. So anyway- no it doesn't change my opinion and I think that I can speak for most adoptive parents out there- we actually think very highly of the BP because of thier kindness we have been given an oppurtunity to be a parent that we would not have had otherwise. Your a good person. Better than most and certainly less selfish and egocentric than most of society today.  

Answer 24

It doesn't change my opinion of them at all.  If anything it increases my opinion of them (depending on the circumstances of the adoption), because it shows a lot of strength on their end.  A lot of people aren't strong enough emotionally to put their child up for adoption.

Answer 25

No, it does not change my opinion.  You never know the reason behind the person giving up the child.

Answer 26

no, that shows that they know that the baby is better off with someone else. if they believe that the baby wouldn't have a good life with them, then giving it up for adoption would be better, not good, but better.

Answer 27

I recently met a girl who had given up her baby. It was interesting to me that she was able to do it, but I can't say it changed my opinion of her. Honestly her situation made it comendable because she had gotten pregnant at 17 and at 7 months along her father kicked her out on the streets. She then picked a couple to follow the rest of her pregnancy and still talks to them now and the baby is a few years old. I do hope it's not a case of just 'oops' and has learned from it, using birth control or some other preventative method, but she knew she wouldn't be able to give the baby a good life and chose this over abortion, which I much more strongly do not agree with. Good for her.