Does it ever get better??

Question

I feel like I'm losing control over my son... my mother in law has always been kinda pushy on the way I raise him... for example, I was "starving" him by not giving him food before he was 6 months old, he's so "thirsty" because I dont give him anything in a sippy cup to drink (he's 6 months old!) When I started giving solids I was going through the whole same food for so many days because of allergies thing, she babysat him and I packed all the baby food he needed in his bag, and instructed her that he could only have that because I wanted to see if he was alergic to it or not, and when I went to get him she told me she went to the store and bought him some applesauce because she didn't think he would want to eat sweet potatoes... the other day she told me that she was keeping baby food at her house now, but she just bought yogurt because she knew he would like that, I dont give him yogurt yet... and the other day he was fussy because he was tired, she told me she thought he was thirsty so I needed to start giving him a sippy cup, i got one and filled it up, handed it to my son, only to show her that my 6 month old son has no idea what a sippy cup is or how to drink out of it... I feel like I'm losing control, and if I say anything to her about it I get the whole "I raised 4 kids, I think I know what I'm doing" So my question isnt how can I stop this, because I cant, it's does this ever get better, do mother in laws ever back off when it comes to their grandchildren?

Answer 1

Okay. I just had to seriously laugh at this. I am in the EXACT same situation, except with my mom. And ironically enough.. she also raised FOUR kids, so I get the whole "I raised 4 kids.. I know what I'm doing" phrase a lot as well.

My son is almost 15 months. I am a single mom and she and my stepdad watch him while I work. She lets him play in the rain.. in the road.. (they aren't on a main road, but still.. a road's a road in my book) .. she lets him eat fruit anytime he wants (my son will literally eat nothing but fruit, so you have to limit how much he gets or else he wont eat anything else).. takes him around people I don't want him around.. and while this was all very much aggrivating.. she crossed the line when she made plans to leave for a week, and SHE decided who would watch my son for that time (picking people I had not only never met, but had never heard of!) ... okay, so that was the finally straw. I eventually just blew up on her about everything and spent a good hour tearing into her.

Not a good situation as you can imagine. Which is why I am going to suggest that you have someone watch your son, and just sit down and talk with her woman to woman. Explain to her that you understand she raised four kids, and that she did a great job raising them, and that you appreciate her advice, but that you are his mother and you would like some respect with your decisions on how you want him raised. Explain to her that all mothers are different, and that you will always be open to suggestions from her, and that you will always want her in your son's life, but that your plans for him differ from hers, and since you are his mother - you get the final say. But ya know.. be nice about it. =) Things will get better! Just make sure to nip it in the bud now before it gets worse and you just lose your temper with her.  

Answer 2

you have to be stern about it and just tell her that you know she raised 4 kids but this is your child and you would like to be able to raise your own your way. I think you just need to starrt slowly and when she does something you dont like , tell her that if she is going to watch her that you woul appreciate her following you rules because the child will get confused.  

Answer 3

From what you describe, it will never get better unless you assert yourself. Do it NOW, before it goes any further, or you will be dealing with this kind of behavior forever. Tell her, politely but firmly, that while you know she raised 4 great kids, this is your child and it's going to be done your way. And don't do this alone, your husband needs to be with you and making it clear that the two of you stand united on this matter.

This is about more than just her thinking she knows better, it's about control. I can tell by the things she says to you. Grandmas who don't want to cause friction just give the kids the stuff and don't tell you, LOL.

Answer 4

Have you asked your hubby to have a talk with her? I am most likely  as old as your mother-in-law and I would have to listen to my daughter-in-law because things have changed from when we were moms, like when to feed solids, how to lay the baby on back or tummy.      but to be honest with you I don't feel your mother-in-law respects you as her grandchildrens mother. I hope you can find some help with your hubbys help and you will just enjoy the time you have with your baby.  

Answer 5

The next time she says that say I know you've raised 4 children, now let ME raise mine!  He is your son, not hers.  If she won't abide by your rules then she shouldn't be allowed to babysit.  Your hubby needs to back you up on this.  I would talk to him asap and let him deal with her.  That is out of line and you need to put a stop to it now before your son gets any older.

Answer 6

It will never end unless you find a new babysitter. It will get worse as he grows older and she will play him against you and make you feel like the mean one. Im telling you at whatever the cost, find a new babysitter.

Answer 7

i had the same problem with my daughter. I eventually told my grandmother that if she didnt go by MY rules and boundaries that if she wanted to see her it was to be at MY house under supervision. some things may cause allergic reactions in your baby and you must stand up for you and your baby. feelings will be hurt but your baby's health is not to be taken lightly. plus yogurt is NOT recommended until at least 12 months. it can cause problems in your baby's GI tract. what is more important,  your mother in laws feelings or your baby's health? trust me, she will get over it... just put your foot down! Your baby depends on you!  find the momma bear inside of you! lol. goodluck with whatever you choose to do!

Answer 8

She's nuts, have your husband talk to her about it.

My MIL has always been very respectful of my parenting even when she disagrees. BUT when she's trying to take control i have my husband talk to her, this way we keep our relationship good & she backs off.

I would be PISSED if she gave my son something i did not authorize.

GOd Bless

~ADD~ I am going to pass on to you the tecnique i use, lol. When she tells me to use syrup to sweeten up his apple, give him water, tea or any other old wivey recommendation i say: Oooh, yes i thought about that but the Dr said i can't do it. =] This works every time with her, might work with yours, can't hurt to try!

Answer 9

I agree with Gabes Mom. You have to be more asserive about the situation. We live with my in-laws and they are very respectful. My MIL does step in with advice, but she is always very respectful about it and appreciates how much time I put into researching things about the baby. However, most times her advice is right, and it has helped me not to be an uptight mother, and helped my son to adjust quite easily to new things (and the first couple years are just chock full of new things!) My own mother, on the other hand does not seem to understand her place. My mother also had 4 children, and doesn't really take into account that there has been a lot of new research and recommendations. She worries when I feed my son whole bananas, even though he can manage to eat even steak by himself. She gets mad when I don't put socks on him, even though he just pulls them off right away. I tried to deal with it at first, but my husband made me go straighten things out-I guess he was tired of hearing about it. I let her know that advice would be welcome (after all, she did have much more experience than me), but criticism was not. I let her know that if she continued to criticize and nag me, I would do the same to her about something else, just to see how she enjoyed it. She played the martyr for a few months, avoiding us, and putting us on a guilt trip every chance she got. However, after a while, she realized I was serious, and started behaving more decently. It hasn't stopped fully, I still have to remind her that she's his grandmother, and I AM his mother. We still have to go through her playing the martyr from time to time, but it has gotten a lot better as time passes. I wouldn't suggest you put your husband in the middle of it, let him know of your intentions to straighten things out with your MIL and make your position known, but do it yourself. It will only make you seem weaker to depend on him to handle the situation for you, and it won't solve anything, it might just make it worse. (I tried to get my Dad to intervene with my Mom before I handled it myself, and that's exactly what happened). Don't hold your son as ransom, saying you won't let him come over if she doesn't listen- that's unfair to your husband and your son.  

Answer 10

I think it only gets better if you assert yourself. It's great that she raised four children, but this is your child. She needs to know you're raising your child the way you want to and she's just going to have to live with it and respect that. I've gone through similar things with my mother-in-law. Unless you speak up and tell her to back off, she'll continue acting the way she is. Good luck!

Answer 11

I have the same problem with my MIL.  Everything from our choice of nursery/school down to the colour of clothes I put them in.

Today for example I told her that I would call her at lunchtime to let her know if I was going to take our youngest over to see her this afternoon.  I had 5.....yes 5 phonecalls with messages (I was call screening as I was tired) (the last one almost in tears) between 9.50am and 12.20pm asking me why I hadn't called her, she had other things to do if I wasn't taking our baby round there this afternoon, telling me that I should have called her and on and on and on!!!  I'd said I would call at 1pm and she had been fine with that the previous day.

The problem she has with me is that she KNOWS in her mind that she is a better mum than me and she wants my children so that she can bring them up 'properly'.  She undermines me at every single turn and does her very best to destroy my confidence every day.  I have depression and she does her best to make me ill as she wants the children to live with her.  Really.

I am very, very close to calling it quits and not seeing her again and only letting the children see her with my husband.  (She is a good Grandmother).  After 8 yrs I have had enough!!!!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone....the only thing you can do is set down the 'rules' now and stick by them.  Don't let her walk all over you.  Be kind and polite but firm and don't let her get to you.  She is just jealous but she has had her turn and now it is yours.  They are your children and you need to rememeber that.

Take care sweet.  Bx

Answer 12

I said something about this is a question posted earlier.  I think that grandparents get a bad rep.  We get mad is they are overly involved and mad if they are not involved enough.  I'm sure that her heart is in the right place and what we a told by our Dr.'s now a days is completely foreign to our parents.  They see it as "this is how we raised you and you turned out OK" to which I agree with to a certain extent.  You are in a control war and are afraid you are going to lose which is making you sweat the small stuff.  I do agree with you and it's your child, but at the same time do not completely shun someone with many years of experience.  She has your child's best interests at heart.  

Answer 13

oh geez I don't know if it gets better, but there's not much you can do...at least that's how I feel with my mother-in-law. She raised 5 kids and I have to hear that from my own husband. He's better now that he realized every time he asked her a question her response was "you should call the doctor and ask"...that's when he realized she really didn't know much since times have changed.

In my case, I just try to stay quiet sometimes but I'll tell her what I think at other times (in a nice way of course). And since I'm breastfeeding and she never breastfed, I'm more in the know that she is when it comes to my daughter's feedings.  

Answer 14

Sounds like me mother-in-law!

Tell her to back off and that you have to learn for yourself and that instead of helping you she is stressing you out. You son does not need a sippy cup at 6 months old.  Also, back in her day car seats weren't necessary and smoking while pregnant was ok.  Tell her that times have changed and that although she has raised her kids, tell her its time for her to let you raise yours.

Good luck and know that your son is perfect...don't rush him into growing up...they do it fast enough!

Answer 15

Luckily, I've never had a problem with my mother-in-law or anyone else for that matter telling me what to do and not to do with my children. Good luck, I'm sure it's very frustrating! I would be ticked off!

Answer 16

Your husband needs to defend you. Why on Earth are you spending so much time with that woman? Do you guys live with her? Your husband needs to deal with her as he is her son - it IS NOT your job to straighten her out. Tell your husband how she makes you feel and have him tell her.  

Answer 17

Do I know what you mean!! My ML was questioning how warm I made my bottles , that I was feeding him too much because he is chunky  and I should keep him up in the afternoon and he'll sleep all night . Like I was doing things wrong all the time and I didn't know how to take care of my child  and she would never really say it to me it was always to or through my husband . My FL watches our son on Monday and Tuesday and I would tell him what I was doing like with food , sleeping etc.. and it was like he only half listened to me and was listening to his wife more . By one Saturday when we let them watch him they had not given him the food that we asked them to and He had woke up from his nap at 9:30am before we went over and told them that he what time he should be laying back down around  (1:00 or 1:30 at the latest) however we we got there at 3:00 he had no nap and MY ML kept  saying to him I know your tired but then would put him in his High chair and give him toys and not letting him calm down so I could get him to sleep.  I had enough . I talked with my husband who felt the same on some of the issues and I had told him that he needed to talk with his parents or they were not going to watch him fulltime when his mom retires and I told him if he did not speak up when we were at there house then I would and he doesn't want that .

He talked to his parents and his mom was a little upset ( she thought he was saying they were bad grandparents) But she eventually got over it and the next time his dad watched him he was better and the next time we went over to there house she was better .

I would just have your husband talk with her and if doesn't change then set some boundaries with her until she releaizes that you would like things done a certain way and would approciate if she would respect your wishes .

I don't know if it gets better it has only been a couple of weeks but I sure do Hope so .  

Answer 18

No, they don't.  I hate to say it, but you just have to get used to taking it with a grain of salt.  It really sucks because you can't complain to your hubby because after all, they are his parents (and I think it makes him feel awkward).

Answer 19

she can't keep the baby if she doesn't follow your instructions. your man needs to back you up on this....and HE needs to be the one to have a talk with his mother. this is how my hubby and I had to handle a similar situation.  

Answer 20

Probably not. But if you think about it, at least she's involved. My mom in law doesn't see her grandchildren much.

Answer 21

for starters, You are the child's mother, she is just the grand parent.

You can do something to stop it, tell her to butt out and let you to get on with it.

Have you asked your husband how he feels about the situation, and has he spoken to her about it.?

Needless to say something has to be said to her about this, otherwise your son will get used to what she doing when she's around, and then you will have grief. He needs the foods that are for his age, nothing else untill his stomach has matured enough to handle other foods.

Put her straight and tell her, she is the grandmother not the mother.

She may have raised 4 kids but now you are the one raising your son.

If she has a go over it let her get on with it.

Answer 22

I don't understand why you say you can't stop it...YOU are the parent.  If she can't follow your guidelines, she can't be left alone with the baby.  If you keep letting her walk all over you and get her own way then no, the situation will never improve.

Answer 23

Holy c**p!! Brings back memories, I'll tell ya hun it doesn't get better unless you put your foot down on this situation. I told my parents "these are my children, if you can't respect the way I raise my children then you will not be left alone at all with them" My parents got the hint after they asked to babysit and I flat out told them no. They are slowly getting better at it.

Answer 24

You need to tell her to stop. Yes she raised 4 kids and yes you appreciate her advice because she's knowledgeable and kind and loving but this is YOUR child and she needs to follow your rules ESPECIALLY when they concern his health. You also need your husband on board or she'll never stop. Be nice, praise her infinite wisdom and then tell her to back off.

Answer 25

My mother in law is a crazy, over barring woman. It's been a nightmare. So, I put boundaries up, and do not allow her to watch my son. She can come to our house for dinner, but I NEVER leave him alone with her. Your husband has to step up and take care of this problem, it's his mother! YOU ARE THE MOM, and if she cannot follow your instructions, she loses her privileges, period. Do yourself and your baby a favor, and set the boundaries now before it gets any worse. I would also have a conversation with your husband, and ask him to tell her to back off. Your response to her "I’ve raised 4 kids" BS is this: This is my child, I am the mom, and it's my decision. If I need your input, I will ask for it. Until then, my expectation is that you will respect the instructions I give you for MY son. Otherwise, I will find someone else to baby-sit him.