Does knowing you are adopted from the beginning make it any easier?

Question

I have temporary custody of a beautiful 7 1/2 month old baby boy that i have had since he was 2 days old. His birth mother is a friend of the family and we have an open arrangement that I plan to continue even once the adoption is final. He has a 4 year old sister and numerous aunts, uncles and cousins that we visit every couple of weeks (we all live in the same town) and on holidays. So, my question to adoptees, does it ever get any easier? My son's birth mother is incapable of taking care of him, so her keeping him is out of the question. She doesn't have custody of her daughter either. So, given the circumstances, what do you think? I don't plan on hiding the fact from him that he is adopted, but I don't want him to feel like he isn't really part of our family.

Answer 1

When I adopt, it won't even be an option. My child will obviously not be birthed by me! I plan to adopt from Vietnam. I think it's a great idea to tell your child at the beginning. You don't want to be in a situation later in life where they are accusing you of lying because you didn't tell them. Plus, you don't want it to be a big build up. As long as you're open and honest, answering their questions in a way they can understand (when they're toddlers or Elementary age, they don't need to know the specifics). And in your case, he might as well hear it from you before he hears it around town. Just in case not-so-nice- people want to say mean things to him or around him (you know what they say about little ears). Just let him know that you love him and you were blessed to have him, but it doesn't mean that his other mommy doesn't love him either.

I hope this helps,

Skatergurljubulee

Answer 2

Even at this age.. let him grow up hearing that you love him so much, even though his didnt come out of your belly... My rents always told me that they loved me more than other parents love thir kids because they wernt just stuck with me... they got to pic me out themselves... let him know that this woman is the one who made him, but you got to keep him.. just like if someone gave you a present... its yours and nothing can make you not love it... Who doesnt like getting presents?

but yeah.. start now definately

Answer 3

I think knowing his sister and other extended family will help a lot.  I was adopted in the era when adoptions were completely closed, so I never knew any blood relative until I had my own children.  I was told that my first mother wanted to finish college and that's why she gave me up, which I later found out wasn't true, her father forced her to give me away.  I think the social worker thought that would make a nice story, but it made me feel like I wasn't important to her.

I think you should be as honest as possible with your son, don't sugar-coat or make stories up.  I think being adopted is always somewhat difficult.  Being honest with him and letting him know his other family members will help, but ultimately there is no sure-fire way to entirely prevent the trauma of being an adoptee.

Answer 4

I've known I was adopted for as long as I can remember. It didn't make it any easier for me.

Answer 5

I think so.  All families are different and created differently.  Since he'll have an older sister, start telling her the same way you'd tell him.  As he gets older tell him about your family's story and let him know that each person is an important part of the family.  

But also always answer his questions (age appropriately) in a sure and truthful manner, if you stutter or don't  know what to say, it may adversly effect his self-identity.

Answer 6

It is absolutely so much easier and better to let the child know as they are growing up that they are adopted. That way there will be no awkard conversations when they are 'old enough to understand'. I am very pleased that my adoptive parents let me grow up with the knowledge that I was adopted, that I was special, and chosen. It led to a lot of boasting in the playground that's for sure.

Answer 7

i knew i was adopted from the start.  it's the only thing you should do.

Answer 8

i think for me not being told might have made my life easier because i cant figure why they told me i was a dopted i wasnt allowed to know my birth family so why tell me im adopted to me that just doesnt seem to make much sense to tell a child there adopted i think its cruel to tell a child there adopted hey kid your adopted but your not allowed to know your birth parents o hey thats cool i guess

Answer 9

Please tell him from day one!!!!!

There is NEVER a good time for it, I'm dealing with a family who is adopting a child they've had since 8 months...she is now 7 and they won't tell her...they are waiting for the right time?

Let's see....when she starts middle school and all kids feel different?

When she starts her period and feels like the whole world can tell?

When she starts dating so she can look for exceptance from someone?

I know...the day of her wedding!  Honey, the florist is here, your hair appointment is at 5:00 and by the way.....

Make it part of his baby book, make it part of his life...secret=shame...this is not shameful...ALWAYS tell him please....it doesn't have to be a focus of your life, but an accepted part of it.

This family has bought such a world of hurt, they didn't need to....

I tell my families this...it is like the s*x question...always answer honestly, but age appropriately..what you tell a 3 year old is not what you tell a 13 year old.

and NEVER say "Your mom loved you, but she couldn't take care of you."  That makes it his fault.

Answer 10

I was adopted,.. my parents told me young. It made it easier. I always felt like i was thier own.

[e-mail]

Answer 11

I've always known I was adopted.  

Did it make it easier?  I don't know.  I don't have anything to compare it to.  But I know that, even knowing, I still felt like an outside sometimes.  My parents loved me and treated me much like their bio-children.  But I still felt different.  I was part of the family, but I was different.  

Is that easier?  I'm not sure.  I don't know what it would have been like to have had the information kept from me.  Certainly I would have been upset by being lied to.  But is it easier knowing?  I don't know.  I just know that, all things being equal, I'd rather not be adopted.

Answer 12

I've known forever, but I'm also Korean and my parents are caucasian. But I would tell them from the begining, I couldn't imagine finding out years later that my parents weren't my parents, huge emtional/ identity crisis.

Answer 13

I was adopted, my parents told me from a very young age. I don't every remember not knowing. They told me in a way that I could understand. As I got older they answered any questions I had. I had no problem with it, no feelings of loss, abandonment or any of that stuff. I have always felt and been treated like anyone else in the family. The problem with waiting and telling them at an older age is that sometimes the child will feel like you have been lying to them. No one can tell how  the child will absorb this information. For me it was and is just a fact of life that makes me what I am today. For may it is a crutch to blame everything that goes wrong in their life on.

Answer 14

Yep i would tell him. I have always known I as adopted and when my little brother was born  it was an easy way to explain it to me. I was aound 18 months at the time, but I would ask " was I in your tummy too?" and my parents would explain no but they love me just as much as if I had been. i think the hardest part that will make him feel isolated is having the "other family" (his birthmom etc) who wants his time(on holidays), but none of the resposiblity of loving him. I am very agaisnt open adoptiong for that reason, but I do believe in telling the child and being open otherwise. If you are the one who has raised him since day 2 (he wont remeber day 1) but how sad will that poor little guy at 3 feel when he is taken away from his mommy and daddy on christmas to go visit strangers who want to parade him around as if they had some respodibilty for how great he has turned out. ( Although they did have enough reposibility to have unprotected s*x twice, but not enough to handel the consequences) But why not have your cake and eat it too? My parents had always told me my bmother was 15 and way to young to raise me and I NEVER resented her or them for it. I was given a much better life than I would have had being raised by a child, and it was the greatest gift she could have given me! Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best!

Answer 15

Tell him from the beginning. But tell him it in a loving way. Make him feel welcome, and lucky. Be extra nice to him when he is going through rough times. If you told him when he was 16, he'd probably run away or do something not-so-good. Good luck.

Answer 16

OMG YES!

Think when you were a teen or adult if you found out your whole life was a lie????  You weren't who you thought you were? and your mom isn't your bio mom?  So who are you then, where did you come from?  Why have I felt so different all these years?  ....All those school projects on the family tree and they were all lies.

There are no circumstances that make it right not to tell a child/adult they are adopted, everyone has the right to know.

Answer 17

Being adopted was always special to me. I was put into my perminant foster home at 6 months, adopted at age 7. I would pray everynight with my (now-adoptive) Dad that the adoption would go faster. My parents made it a positive thing. I was special because my parents "chose" me. I am now 18, and have no regrets. My biological sister was only 3 when we were adopted. She is now 14 and understands just fine. We all like knowing that we're adopted. It's always been open and happy.

Answer 18

I have always known that I was adopted.  My parents must have told me before I could even really understand since I have no memory of ever being told.  I don't think it makes it easier.

Having said that, I think it is a great shock when people discover that they are adopted late in life.  It raises all sorts of trust issues between the adoptee and the adopters.  I also believe that it sends a strong message that adoption is something to be ashamed of and hidden.