Does language matter?

Question

I've seen some questions and answers of late about the language used to talk about people involved in adoption. "Birth," "real," "natural," etc. I remember thinking through some of this when I was determining, for myself, whether my first mom was my mom. Some people seem very definite that language matters. Others seem to think language is a distraction from more important issues.

So do you think language (in adoption) matters? Why or why not?

Answer 1

Language most certainly matters.  Ask any advertiser about that one!

The language we use has a big affect on how people view something.  If I started calling first mothers "birthers," legislators could certainly be influenced by this in their decisions.  A birther would likely bring up images of someone who popped out a kid, walked away, never looked back and never WANTS to look back.  Therefore, we must protect "birthers" from the possibility of unwanted contact.  Reopening records could give some adoptees knowledge that could possibly make it easier to make contact. Well, so much for equal treatment under the law.

It's very funny how language matters when I call my ndad my "Dad."  Some people are severely bent out of shape that I should dare call this man who didn't spend years wiping my hiney and paying my way "Dad."

ETA:

Gersh, thank you SO  much for taking the time to post about what those of in reform are fighting.  We are NOT just fighting laws alone. We are fighting language that is put out by those who want to keep adopted persons and first parents in their "proper places" in order to keep the status quo of the industry.  

It may not sound like these names mean a thing, but when you consider the research and money that the NUMBER ONE organization against adoptee rights, the NCFA, has put into forming a LANGUAGE that helps to promote their causes, I'd say language matters and matters A LOT.  

Those of us working to change the law are fighting a battle with an enemy that does use language as one of its weapons.

Answer 2

I think that in consideration of the children's feelings, each family should use the language that is most comfortable to them.   My six-year-old likes to call her birthmother her "tummy mom."  At her age, I'm sure that's the term that gives her the most understanding of the difference between her birthmother and myself.  

My 12-year-old calls her birth mother "my first mother," and she calls me her "forever mom."

Answer 3

This isn't going to make any sense, but it sounds just right in my head.  Language matters to those it matters to.  What I mean by that is, those who have spent time mulling this over, those who are affected by it, those who have reason to be invested in what language is used...for them, yes, language matters very much.  To the general public, not so much.  But those for whom language DOES matter should be the ones to decide which words are acceptable.

Answer 4

Of course language matters, not just in adoption, but under many other circumstances.  Racial language, for example,has evolved to be respectful.  The "n" word is not considered acceptible in general social interactions; neither is using the word "colored", though two hundred years ago, it WAS considered a less offensive descriptive term.  

I think it comes down to the intent of the speaker and the perceptions of the listener.  Most adoption language isn't intended to be disrespectful, IMHO.  I do take the time to gently correct some misconceptions of language: ie: adoptive parents not being the REAL parents, the phrase "put up for adoption", and so forth.

I think that most people don't have malice behind their "misuse" of adoption language.  It can be a matter of education, which if the intent is not to injure than the correction should be done without attacking also.  It becomes a distraction when people make it a distraction.  If someone wants to be offended, they're going to find a way.

Answer 5

It does matter as far as what terms I personally use; however, should somebody else use a term that better fits their situation it makes me no difference.

I use the term biological mother/parent rather than 'birth parent' or 'natural' mother as that makes it easier for me to deal with it in a matter-of-fact kind of way.  

I will say that one of the only term that does 'offend' me when people don't think that my AP's are my REAL parents. Other than that difference most other terms that other people use don't bother me...it just might not be the one that works for me.

Answer 6

absolutely language matters.

There was a time in our history where it was required to stamp "illegitimate" across adoptees birth certificates so that we would be labeld as "b******s" by society.

Can anyone imagine someone walking up to their adopted child, or adopted self and calling them an illegitimate b*****d instead of an adoptee or non adoptee who happened to be born out of wedlock? Unless its a fellow adoptee rights activist, we may be throwing blows if it was me.

Its a comparison in my book to when people used to call slaves the suppressing *N* word that I wouldn't dare call any other individual on the face of the earth.

Birth terms were pushed into use by the adoption agencies and social workers to minimize the bond between mother and child when adoption was beginning to be marketed to infertile couples as way to "end infertility" and "build families" that otherwise couldn't be built. Adoption was sold "as if" the same. Parents were encouraged to take their new adoptees home and treat them as if the adoption had never happened, as if they didn't come from other people, as if their other mother birthed them only and there was no other connection between mother and child.

These social workers weren't stupid. There are papers from the 30's acknowledging the significant bond and connection between mother and child. Millions have been invested in terminology research and how to minimize the relationship between mother and child so that more adoptions could be done and more money could be made.

You'll notice the NCFA one who has invested hundreds of thousands ( possibly even millions ) into this research. They have a book out called "birthmother good mother"

on their site what they call "positive adoption language" is terrifying. These are people trying to "brainwash" their readers.

"Adoptive parents are the REAL parents"

"single parents should surrender"

go look at their "adoption FACT books" pretty scary.

The terminology they use effects the readers interpretation of adoption. Its exactly the reason agencies start calling "expecting mothers" birth mothers. If they think they're a birth mother, the chances of them becoming one are higher.

Terminology is VERY important. when people start using "honest adoption language" compared to Adoption Industry Terminology, the publics opinion of adoption will change in my opinion to a more honest opinion.

Answer 7

I do think that people defining terms matters.  I didn't fully realize why until I took a disability course that discussed the last few 40 years of change with regards to how people with disabilities decided to take control of their lives, how they are cared for, and what they are called.  That if an additional terminology is needed to define a person for a clarification, than it should be done in person first terminology.

I think a lot of adoption terms could use this change too.

Instead of birthmother, adoptive mother, potential adoptive mother, etc... imagine the change of impact that would occur by stating

mother who x, y, or z.

It wouldn't be as easy to dismiss the impact of the person's relationship.

Answer 8

i am a huge believer that language matters.  primarily because language usually has within it, subtle and overt meanings.

Answer 9

i think "birth" mother refers to her as nothing more than a vessel.

as laurie pointed out, men do not give birth, therefore are not technically "birth" anything.

i like bio, but when i met my family, it seemed cold as h**l.  very technical and medical or something.

adoption sucks.  who else has to mull this c**p over?

Answer 10

When I talk to my son(s) about their bio mommy / daddy...I simply use the words daddy and mommy.  They don't NOT become their parents just because they don't live with them anymore...I also don't separate him and tell people that he is my foster son...I address him as one of my children...then I get "how many do you have" "boys vs girls" etc.  It makes him feel better not to be singled out.  Now, we do clarify sometimes when he talks about daddy as sometimes he is talking about my husband and something that his bio daddy did...and he will pretty much slap himself in the face and say

oh, I am talking about my other daddy, not daddy (name).  And then laughs it off.  We do tell him that both mommies and both daddys love him - no matter how upset we are at the moment with them!  It's NOT his fault and he IS told this often, when he talks about not seeing them anymore!

Answer 11

Absolutely.

When "talking" on this forum, we have to use identifiers that normally wouldn't need. For instance, "Aparents", most adoptees use this so anyone reading will be able to distinguish between which parents they are talking about, although in real life they just say, "my parents". It's important, especially when on the Internet and speaking to a range of people that don't know you to use specific identifiers so everyone will know what you're talking about. When amongst family and friends that isn't necessary. We even have our own terminology that those we are most intimate with understand. When speaking to a broader audience, we need to be a bit more formal and specific.

It's the difference between talking amongst friends and giving a speech. You need to be "politically correct." Otherwise, comments made can create anger, hostility, and misinterpretation.

Answer 12

If words didn't matter, we wouldn't name children and pets.  Words are powerful.  They replace, in our minds, the things they describe.  

Sometimes we do it on purpose, as when all black men in the South were addressed as Boy or Uncle so they would never think of themselves as men.  

Sometimes we do it by accident.  When I was young and people talked about my "real" parents, the result was that I came to feel unreal; it didn't matter that nobody intended it.  When we call a woman a "birth" mother, we reduce her to the function of an incubator--whether we mean to or not.  And when we call adopted adults "children," we find it acceptable to not allow them full adult rights.  We also sometimes produce adults who never quite grow up.

In general I prefer to call people what they wish to be called, without regard to whether I find a term that offends them offensive or not.  It's their feelings on that topic that matter, not mine.

Answer 13

Yes, language matters.  I think the more educated you become the more you understand why language matters.  Something as simple as a word can fill a room with warmth and love or a different single word can create injury that stings as a slap in the face.

Answer 14

When it comes to adoption, I think language does matter a lot.

To always place the word "adopted" before the word child is thoughtless. To stress the words "birth," (as in birth mother), "real," (as in real mother), "natural," (as in natural mother) is unnecessary information in a casual conversation.

If you've adopted a child, the child is your child. No need for explanations to others.

Sometimes words can destroy meaning.

Answer 15

Pffft!! I didn't know there WAS a language until I came here.  I don't care what she calls me as long as she continues to call, as for everyone else, I really don't care. What ever is comfortable for them I guess. I only play the language game because it's here. I'm fine with being called Lori, referred to as a friend, what ever fits the situation at the time.

All that matters is that my "bio daughter" continues to call me. I personally do not like the crack w***e name but if someone feels it's neccessary okay. My relationship is not with them.

As usual Gershom has a point. All my kids are illigitimate b******s and they all know it. None of them care, but gershom you have a very valid point. Thanks for the education.

I see Gershom, and Laurie's and others words in favor of proper language as a positive force in EDUCATING others to accept. If someone else sees it as slander against them personally, how are you going to feel when you come up against a friend who keeps calling your adopted child an Illigitimate b*****d? Will you be nit picking then to get them to stop because you are offended? I just didn't think it through. I have been called all kinds of names and my daughter is old enough to fend for herself ( and me too at times), I have heard it so much it doesn't hurt any more. Can you say the same????????????????????

Answer 16

Any term you can find will manage to offend somebody somewhere. I know most peope now are not likeing the birthmother thing, but to be honest I think that's the best term because she is my mother - by birth - no one else is.

Real mother is just all around insulting to the adoptive families. For the most part, adoptive parents are the ones who raised you and that makes them your real parents, even if they did a crappy job, by law they accepted you as there own when someone else couldn't.

Natural mother isn't as bad, but it makes me as the adoptee feel as if my entire life is unnatural because I wasn't raised with my natural family.

So to answer your question, yes words get in the way. All three of these terms are trying to say  "woman who gave me life and loved me enough to give me a better chance", but they have all found their way to be offencive instead.

I think we should just focus on the bigger issues here, not whose natural vs. unnatural, gave birth vs. was an incubator, or real vs. fake.