Does love make us unhappy?

Question

I have been a very happy person my whole life, never really had anything too difficult happen to me and I've been fairly successful. I just graduated University, I have had the chance to travel the world a little, I have a good job, good friends, good family. Very good life, and I am happy, but I think I am LESS happy now than I was before I fell in love, not too long ago, a couple years ago.

Now, I got to say now that I have probably been in love before, but never really acted on it at all and never became extremely close to those people so it probably isn't all that relevant. It was after being very open with someone, and expressing that and getting close that things got a little worse.

I realize that part of life and growing up is love, relationships, pain, hurt and all that. So sure, I learned quite a bit from my experience and I had some amazing times but the fundamental issue is that I am unhappier now than I was before. More experienced, more worldly, more mature but less happy.

One possible reason for this is that I was happier when I was in love than ever before and now everything seems weaker in comparison, but lets just avoid that thought because I really don't think it's true. I don't think I was ever happier when I was in love, except for those brief perfect moments.

There is so much anxiety, expectation, obsessiveness and pain when you actually care about someone and what they think of you that it really is not a "good experience". I think it's permanently screwed me to some extent. It seems like there is no way to go back, and if I hadn't invested myself in that situation than I would be better off today. Ultimately, I agree there will be a day when the investment will pay off and everything will work out. However, should we not avoid this until we are much older and view it more as a necessary evil than a central part of our lives?

Highschool kids fall into these relationships all the time and at the tender ages of 15, 16 feel like they are in love, and then the hurt and pain from that lingers on in them for the rest of their lives. Avoiding that first fall until it is completely necessary seems very important to me.

Sorry for being so long winded, but it I'd like to hear your thoughts now.

The question I pose now, is try to remember your life BEFORE you ever fell in love and had all the worries that come from it, and compare it to your life now and tell me if it is happier. Should we avoid investing our time into loving people until we are truly ready to commit to them for life?

Answer 1

There's always a risk of getting hurt when we start to get close to someone. I'm 13, so I don't really know what falling in love is like or anything deep-ish like that, but I had an incident with a really close friend of mine a few months ago. We were seriously each other's best and closest friends, we were inseparable, we could tell each other anything, we could just laugh about nothing at all. It was the perfect friendship. But then out of nowhere she just turned this horrible person, and after a while I didn't even know who she was anymore. I was really devastated, and for months I was afraid to get close to people again, just out of fear that I would get too close to someone, only to be horribly let down again. But after a while, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was like "What are you doing? You're letting this awful girl take control of your life, and it's sure as h**l not getting you anywhere." And if there's anything I've learned from this, it's that there's no escaping love. Love is all around you, it's like an inevitable, supernatural force that drives us to people for no reason, or for all the reason in the world. It's so unpredictable, yet so wonderful. And sometimes it's going to let us down, lead us to people who aren't who we think they are, but you can't run from the rest of the world when that happens. You have to hold your head up high, and let love take you where it will.

Answer 2

we live to love and not the other way around.

Answer 3

...no, its your own freedom of choice what you do in life, be responsible..

Answer 4

I haven't fallen in love yet, and reading this I don't know if I want to... well, not really.

I think the thought of you falling in love with love is most of your problem. You said you had been in love before, maybe it's the thought that you have finally told someone something you want to keep a secret and now are having regrets about it, so you want that person to love you forever and now you have fallen in love with the idea of being in love...

I am going pretty far out, and I know it, but it is a possibility

Hope This Helped You

Answer 5

I think you are selfish and have a funny idea of what love is.  It's not a feeling.  It's a verb...an action word.  It's a unconditional giving of yourself.  You love.  You don't fall in love. That's infatuation, and it fades.  I'm sorry that you don't get the 'warm fuzzies' any more, but it means you are starting to grow up and (hopefully) develop a deeper sense of love for others.

Remember: you have to give more than you take.  It's the only way it works.  And yes, I am happier now I am older, and found somone that I can commit to.

Answer 6

Thank you for such an excellent question.

For me love was never a "bringer downer" because I had a fairly unhappy life and love (infatuation) was an escape from that. My friendships were actually more about learning how to have relationships than my infatuations ever were. I have been in loving relationships and what I find most about them is that they tie me to a life I find repugnant, and I have to live because of the people who love me. That's my bummer.

The only advice I can suggest about your situation is that peace and contentment are such fleeting things that love just happened to be what upset your apple cart but the real cause of your distress is the brevity of peace and contentment in anyone's life.

Also, fleeting romance and lifetime relationships are two different things. Perhaps the right person will lead to better feelings about love.

Answer 7

I agree with you to a certain extent.  I had a very happy, fulfilled life ... but then I fell in love with someone and when I say love, I mean a total, all-consuming feeling of being completely overwhelmed by it.  I'd never felt anything like that before and I don't expect to feel it again. Thing is, it brought me nothing but heartache, tears and pain for nearly seven years.  It was mental torture almost.  We've now split up and it's taken me another year to get myself back together and become my normal self again - almost!  I still have the odd day when I'm overcome with sadness, but it's getting fewer and further between thank goodness.  I'm just trying to put it behind me, and I'm hoping I will never allow myself to be that vulnerable again.

Edit:  Wow!  Annie, for someone who's only 13 years old, you certainly can express your feelings well!  If only there were more teenagers around like you.

Answer 8

Love is a responsibility no one is ever prepared for. Nothing in love is explainable. It all just happens. Whether the lovers like it, or not. There are always good times, and bad ones too. As you progress in your relationship it's always important to not give up. If you two were to truly love each other, you may be a bit less happy than you were before, but that's the way life is.  You may be less happy, but you'd be more responsible. You'd have a life with the one you love, and commit to spend the rest of your life with them to make a family if desired, but sometimes it doesn't work out. Love is all guessing, and hopes. Desires, fears, a bond that shouldn't be broken, but somehow is sometimes. If you truly love the one you're with, you may not know you're ready to spend your life with her/him. But you would be willing to take the chance, and try your hardest to make it work. Once you get stable with that, everything brightens up. No, I haven't fallen in love, but I know how it should feel, and what it feels like to have my heart ripped out and shattered right in front of me. I hope your relationship works out. Hope I helped too.