Does marriage get easier...?

Question

Once you are out of the baby and toddler phase?

There was just a question posed about putting your husband/wife first or putting your children first and I wasn't sure how to answer that because right now my husband and I are both stretched to the limit just taking care of our homes and our twin 13 month olds, and preparing for another on the way.

I don't see how we could put each other first without completely neglecting our children because they need A LOT of attention.

I'm now wondering also if maybe so many of our problems right now have to do with how much energy we're putting into our kids *no choice... they really require A LOT of care if we're going to do it properly* and if we can just hang on for a few more years it will be so much better and easier, and we can reap the rewards of our well loved children with happy and well behaved kiddos, and then be able to reconnect again?

Answer 1

this is a question no one has the right answer to but tis is as good of an answer as i can give you need to give your husband at lest 12% of attention your kids 48% of your attention work 70% of your attention and you 10% of your attention because marrige takes 110% and i dont know if this will even  make sense to you maybe everyone has there own solution good luck with your life and dont forget to turn to god for help

Answer 2

Parenting is parenting.  Yes it is a bit easier when they are able to communicate, potty trained and able to do some things for themselves, but as they grow you will always have challenges.  Dispite how much time your children require, you can not sacrifice totally your time with your spouse.  

I suggest when grandparents want to take them for a night, do so.  Make a date night with your spouse, once a month and do something fun-dinner, a movie, out with friends.  The children will adjust to your absence, and when you return home to the kids you'll be refreshed and ready to see their little smiling faces, and get back to being mommy and daddy.

Being a parent is a wonderful experience and you don't have to sacrifice anything in your relationship, happy parents make for very happy children.  :)

Answer 3

I'm sorry to say but it doesn't get any easier.The kids problems and demands just get bigger and more complicated with age . However you just learn to deal with it. If i may interject some thing all ways make time for your spouse because just as you said when its all over they are all your going to have left. Good luck.

Answer 4

Vous mettriez les gosses d'abord !

Answer 5

You must of course put your children first and in doing so you must direct them accordingly.  I hope you have good parenting foundations and if not I would seek out some very good help.  There is help.  First you MUST know how to disipline with love.  DO NOT LET THE TODDLER GET THE UPPER HAND...... Remember YOU are the parent.  Do not let children bluff you.  They will try to get the upper hand by being obstinate >  DO NOT allow this.  When you make a decision stick with it.  Do not change your mind.  Contact a child counselor and make sure they are Christian or Jewish.  God Bless .

By assuring yourselves of good disipline you will re connect with each other.  A child will take as much time as you give them.  Do not let them monopolize your time.  Balance your lives.

Answer 6

A marriage is a work in progress. It has ups and downs. If you can both agree on what you want, then you are ahead of most.

You do not need to play with your kids. Children play on their own, in fact, it is a sign of inteligence for children to play, so get out of their way.

Give them chores and they won't mind not watching TV. Let them agree on the shows they watch from a list you approve of. Teach them a good work ethic now and you won't argue with them as teens. Children actually want there parents to be happy with them. They shouldn't have to earn your love, but they must have discipline and structure to feel safe and loved.

Reading should be a group activity and teaching them to help each other instils a sense of teamwork. Summer is a great time to get things done. Plant gardens and eat what you grow.

When they mess up, the punishment must be appropriate. Spanking is the last choice but it is a tool. Never smack their face as tjhat attacks their pride and diminmishes self-worth. Do not punish accidents.

Bedtime is a time to look forward to. It is when you can love on them and tell them how good they have been. It is a time to express love and family values. It is important that the father take part and let the girls feel loved and adored.

If you want to bring up children with self-control, you must demonstrate this for them. If you smoke, quit and explain why. If you praise your children too much, it looses it's value.

If you want your children to be healthy, watch their diets and be sure they excercize daily. Do not baby talk to them. Let them solve problems on their own.

Summer is still a time of study. do nlot let them forget what they spent the last nine months learning, and don't let them gripe and blame others.

Answer 7

yes marriage gets easier in the sense that it may just get easier to tolerate. but do make time for each other now, somehow you have to find a way.

the kids shouldn't be an excuse for growing apart just like the kids shouldn't be an excuse for staying together. if u haven't got a babysitter,make quiet time after the kids are asleep even if youre tired just hold hands and think of at least one nice thing  to say to the other.

Answer 8

you just need to learn to let go of some of the little things- i would rather have a sink with a few dishes in it and toys on the floor and an amazing marriage then a super clean home and not feel connected to my hubby

Answer 9

Does marriage get easier...?

Once you are out of the baby and toddler phase?

Are you talking about your husband being the baby or the toddler?

Now I'm serious...

You should be fine. You love each other right? Each of you should understand the situation. But, you both should make some time for being together. With pout the kids. Getting a sitter once in a while so you and your husband can go out on a date (yes together) isn't going to harm the children. It can be more harmful for the children in the long run if your relationship with your husband starts to fail and major disagreements start.

- STB

Answer 10

I'm not sure it really gets easier.  There are just times when things are better (or worse).  I wouldn't put off working on your relationship though.  Even just getting out together for an hour, or just to see a movie would be helpful.  I know it has to be hard with 2 13 month olds, but I can't see it being too much easier with 2 - 2 yr. olds either!  So, if you start making little changes today to work on things with him or to reconnect it shows each other that you still love each other and care about your marriage.   As far as putting your spouse first, I just think it's a balancing act.  Some days the kids are first.  Some days you are first.  Some days he is first.

Answer 11

Unfortunately, if you really want to take care of your 13 month old twins, it WILL get a lot tougher before it gets easier. Whenever you sincerely want to put your children's priorities first, you will have to sacrifice. It will improve though. So, don't feel bad :)

Answer 12

I hate to burst the bubble, but marriage does not necessarily get easier once you're out of the baby and toddler phase. Your growing children will present newer challenges to you and your husband. The two of you will still have to work on the marriage to keep it happy and fulfilling.

For one, since your children are out of the baby and toddler phase, it can be more difficult for you and your husband to get privacy whenever you want to be more intimate with each other. The children will walk around and knock / kick on closed doors. Some will even fiddle with locks and peep. They're extremely curious. It's normal. But you'll have to find a way for you and your husband to be alone together.

Second, there's a matter of your children being in school. You and your husband will have to deal with grades, studies, bullies, and (hopefully not) disciplinary problems. These new problems can put a strain on your marriage. So be prepared to deal with it. Be prepared to be patient and to support each other. Make sure you don't end up blaming one another for whatever happens to your children.

Third, children become more expensive once they grow up. They will ask for allowances. They will demand for new clothes, more delicious food, nicer toys and books. Get ready. Learn to say "no," and learn how to discipline your children properly. It is usually in the matter of discipline and finances that husband and wife disagree. Be prepared.

Parenting will always be a challenge. Maintaining a good marriage is also a challenge. But it can be done. You just have to be ready to face any problems that come your way. NEVER assume that things will be better, since if you do, you might become disillusioned and this will only make things worse.

Answer 13

I have 3 children which include a set of twins, they are grown now.  Yes it was extremely hard on both my husband and I,  a lot of exhausting days and sleepless nights but I can truthfully say well worth it.  Just remember to take some time out for yourselves.  Get a babysitter and spend some alone time with your hubby, go out and enjoy each  others company.  Our children always came first but we never gave up on each other.  We have been married for 35 yrs. and also have 2 beautiful grandchildren.

Answer 14

I have four kids ages four and under and I'm pregnant again.  I think it's very important to put your husband first.  My children are so excited to see their daddy when he comes home.  He spends a few minutes with them hugging and kissing them and listening to them shout about their days.  Then we all head upstairs and the children have some winding down time in their rooms before dinner so they are nice and relaxed at the table.  While they are playing quietly and/or reading my husband and I have time in our room.  He undresses from his business clothes and tells me about his day.  I usually give him a massage or we snuggle while we talk.  If you make this a routine your children will not fight you on it.  It will just be part of their normal day.  We do not talk usually talk about children during this time.

When we go downstairs for dinner we have family time and we talk over dinner about what the children and I did that day.  He has time alone with the children while I clean up after dinner.  He has alone time to relax or make phone calls, pay bills, etc. while I give the children baths and get them ready for bed.  Then we sit together as a family and read books and snuggle before bedtime.  The children all go to bed at 8 p.m. without fail and we have a few hours to ourselves.  

When children live in a happy calm home with satisfied parents they grow up feeling secure.  There is no better time than the present to have a happy home.

Answer 15

who knows, there is no definite answer here. You marriage could go the right way or continue down it's dangerous path.  It sounds like you want it to work, but it's hard to tell what your hubby wants.

Answer 16

It doesn't get easier and can get more difficult as the kids get older because they start having larger issues and sometimes try to pit mom against dad.  It is important for you to communicate what your expectations are to each other and compromise but have these discussions in private when the kids aren't around because they will manipulate.  Make the time to do something special with just each other because many couples don't and when the children grow up and move out the find they have also grown apart.  A marriage is a continued work in progress but the end results can reap a wonderful life partner as long as you accept each others flaws, communicate and spend time together.

Answer 17

As I answered the other q, it should be the FAMILY that comes first, as a whole, not one or the other.  Right now, for your family, the best thing to do is to focus on your children's needs because they are toddlers and do need a lot of attention and care.

One thing though...  its really easy to get burnt out.  While you do need to focus on your kids, dont forget to take some me time out for that.  Hire a sitter for the weekend every once in a while.  Even if all you do is sleep the whole weekend, you need to make sure you dont completly neglect yourself in trying to care for your children.  Again, FAMILY, not spouse or kids.

Answer 18

It does get easier as the children get older.  Where you are in life I can see where putting your spouse first seems impossible.  But never take your marriage for granted.  Date your husband.   At least once a month,  go do something, anything, just the two of you.  You may not be able to talk about anything except your kids b/c your life is all about them but talk and laugh and cry if you need to.  It's not about what you do, where you go or how much money you spend or don't spend, but that you've cared enough about your relationship to set aside time for each other.   Don't let your relationship get to a point where you need to reconnect.

Answer 19

YES

Answer 20

It gets easier in the sense that the chilldren become a little more self sufficient. Not much, but a little.

From what you wrote, I wonder if your children have medical problems. If they don't you need to tell them no once in a while. Kids are very tough and a hour of crying isn't going to hurt them. I am not saying to neglect them, but sounds like you are over-indulging them.

THE BIGGEST PIECE OF ADVICE I CAN GIVE IS PUT THEM TO BED AT 7PM AND KEEP DOING IT FOREVER OR AT LEAST UNTIL THEY'RE NOT SO NEEDY.

My wife and I set that rule and it gives us a few hours of alone time. It may not be easy for a while, but trust me, it pays huge!!! Be consistent and don't give in.

Answer 21

Well, from a different point of view, I'm 20 years old. I moved out almost a year ago. I have watched my parents reconnect in the coolest way. Their relationship was never bad, but they are kids again (in a good way). I am sure once you get your children potty trained, in grade school, and in routine, life will somewhat settle down.... but it is always changing. Just don't wish these years away, you'll miss them like crazy when you look back. No matter how tight money gets, get a babysitter sometime. You MUST get time with your husband. Just breathe, life has a funny way of always working out.

Answer 22

After 39 years of marriage and 3 extraordinary kids, I can tell you that raising a family and keeping a marriage strong takes constant effort but after a while practice makes it, if not perfect, at least better.

Sometimes you do what needs to be done for whomever needs it the most. If the spouse has to take a backseat in favor of the kids for a little while or visa versa so be it.

I found that the motto we had in the Rangers applies quite aptly to real life: "Adapt and overcome"

When I look back over the years we had together or share in the accomplishment of any or all our children, I can turn to my wife and proudly say, "Look what we did"

Good luck to you and yours from me and mine

Answer 23

max b--best answer!!

it does get better--i made time for me!! my daughter knew i had to get ready--i took care of her-but im a person too.  once u give ur all thats all they want-they will interrupt a phone call-pull on ur clothes if u dont look etc. make sure u give equal attention to everyone-n -u!

good luck

Answer 24

It doesnt get easier mentally but it does physically. I bet you are both physically exhausted. Later when they get older it is mentally exhausting and hopefully both parents are in it 100% because it is difficult to raise kids. The kids ARE your fun for those years...there isnt much time for other fun things. Good thing they are cute huh?

Answer 25

Marriage is PURE h**l and doesnt get any easier, they are liars, cheaters, abusers and so much more...GET OUT NOW before its to late!!!

Answer 26

Hey, I know where you are coming from. IT DOES GET BETTER...especially if you put energy into it in the beginning.33

Here's the trick, if a person looks at this stage of their life as being hard or as being 'cheated' of adult time, it does seem harder than it should be. However, if you look at this time as a blessing in your life, a choice you made to have children, then for both of you it should be a joyful thing to give your children more attention, and know that by the time they are ten, you are going MISS all this time with them.

Yes, sneak little intimacies with your husband. A snuggle after the kids are in bed...we did 'date nights' where we'd put the littles to bed and then order chinese food and watch an utterly inappropriate movie lol! smile at hubby over their messy faces at dinner. You don't have to be alone to reconnect to dh, especially if family comes first. Our marriage of fifteen years has never been stronger than when we're working together with our seven children.

God bless with your newest blessing,

Answer 27

nope you have to learn to make time for each other now...hire a babysitter and have an hour or 2 out. ask a relative to stay with them or take them over night and have a night to yourself.    as they get older you are going to have to deal with the kids activities (sports, school, etc).  then that will be your excuse for not giving your marriage the time it needs.  Trust me you won't be "completely neglecting your children" if you put each other first once in a while.

Answer 28

Don’t worry, it gets easier after a few years, you’ll get the hang of it and know how to work things around. It all starts like that, and then you take charge and things will change.

Answer 29

Husband and Wife always come first. Children thrive in homes where there is love. If they see a man truly loves his wife and vice versa, the kids will develop very strong confidence. If you pour all your attention on them, they'll turn out spoiled and needy. They'll demand attention from others, and you'll never have a successful kid. Successful kids develop out of discipline and from loving homes.

Your children are an extention of your hubby and you. Not the other way around. They're also for you to train to be respectable strong adults.

Answer 30

Marriage goes through natural cycles - the trick is to determine if it is important enough to stick it out.  I think alot of people bail at the first dip in the cycle.

Having twins (I have 2 1/2 year old twins myself and a six year old) is a HUGE responsibility and takes more time then you have.  Now with your next one on the way I would say you are in for a a few more bumps before the road smooths out.

Here is one thing though - when you REALLY feel out of touch - and I know this sounds impossible but take it from experience, you can manage it - have a date night, date day, date morning -anything - even an hour or so to just be with eachother.

Every once in a while I will have my mom watch the kids for an hour while we go to breakfast.  The other day my sis took the kids and we just went to lunch and some garage sale browsing.  It was only two hours but it was two hours to re-connect.

If you wait until the kids get older then it may get to the point where you don't know eachother anymore.  You are both stressed - it is something you share.  One of the best things you can do for your kids is to show affection to eachother - it teaches them about compassion and committment.

The fast paced day to day chaos does not go away - it just morphs into different chaos - you have three kids afterall.

It isn't a matter of putting eachother first all of the time (I am guilty of the kids above all else point of view myself) - it is just important to do it every so often.

Good luck to you.

Answer 31

Dunno