Does my Prolouge to my story make you want to read more?

Question

Ok, I posted a question almost exactly like this earlier today. The difference now is that I think I've improved my prolouge. I would still like to know if it makes you interested enough to want to read the first chapter or more. Also, I would love ways to improve it. I'll accept any critism. So, here it is:

I tripped over a branch as I ran through the dark forest. My face hit the cold ground and I grimaced from the pain. My body trembled from both fear and coldness. Numbness ran through me as I laid, helpless. Was there even a reason to get back up? Sooner or later I would die, and I was certain of that. I had known for a while now, so why was I so scared? My mind screamed for my body to run, but it just wouldn't listen. Run, run, run! It said. An image of his face formed in my head. A slight smile of defeat tugged at the corners of my mouth. It was ironic, because the same person I loved was the one sent to end my life. Putting it that way, I don't think I would regret dying. I bit my trembling lip to stop myself from crying. The only thing I would regret is never being able to see him again........

Ok, so that was my prolouge. I am a young ameteur writer so I know it's not great. I just want your opinion on it. Thanks!

Answer 1

A little bit cliched, but other than that, its great.

Answer 2

I would read this, it sounds really good, and don't worry about people who don't like because I know, I'm fifteen year old writer and have been trying to get an agent (alone!) for months, and I've already gotten through like maybe thirty agents, so don't give up! I know what it's like!

Answer 3

wow, i really like it! the whole "the same person I loved was the one sent to end my life" kinda reminds me of twilight. thats a good thing :) i hope you one day publish this i'd love to read it.

answer mine please :)

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 4

wow thats very... depressing.

but i would probably want to read more

Answer 5

Awsome! When do I get to read more?! LOL! No, seriously that was awsome I would deffinitely read it. Keep up the good work!

Answer 6

all i can say is wow. I'm definitely intrigued.  

Answer 7

Very nice. I'd read it.

Answer 8

No, not really. It feels too cliche. Although some may read, you may not get as big as an audience as you want.

Answer 9

Yes.

Answer 10

Yeah, it makes me want to read more,  its very active.  here are some suggestions, but i don't call myself a writer by any means.  ...

I tripped over a gnarled tree root as I ran through the dark forest.  I grimaced from the pain as my face hit the cold ground. My body trembled from both fear and coldness as a numbness began to run through me. I laid, helpless. Was there even a reason to get back up? Sooner or later I would die, and I was certain of that. I had known for a while now, so why was I so scared? My mind screamed for my body to run. "Run, run, run!" But it just wouldn't listen.  An image of his (describe it with one word: caring? determined?) face came to my mind. A slight smile of defeat tugged at the corners of my mouth. It was ironic--the same person I loved was the one sent to end my life. Realizing this, I don't think I would regret dying. I bit my trembling lip to stop myself from crying as I came to understand that I would regret never being able to (embrace?) him again........

Answer 11

i would read it

Answer 12

i think u r great m 17and i write too im actuallly writing a novel about my childhood and the ppl i grew up around i hope to publish it someday.

Answer 13

actually i think its great. :)

Answer 14

that's good! much better than last time

one thing though, the lines "My mind screamed for my body to run, but it just wouldn't listen. Run, run, run! It said." is redundant, maybe take out the second line.

other than that, good job, and good luck!

Answer 15

it sounds like something that i would love to borrow from a friend and read, but not necessarily buy.

great start though

Answer 16

yes i want to read it now! thats so good..

Answer 17

I'm not a big fan of first person, but I fixed it up in a way I think makes it a bit better-as usual the choice is yours, feel free to pick out any parts you think are worthy and leave anything you find useless.

My body trembled from both the fear and the cold. Numbness spread through me as I lay, helpless. Did I even want to get back up? Sooner or later I would die, of that I was certain. I had known this for a while now. So why, then, was I afraid? My body remained inert while my mind screamed for it to get up and run. (take out run, run, run) His face appeared in my mind. A grim smile tugged my mouth up at the corners. How ironic, to be killed by the one you loved most in the world. Or, perhaps, it was just pathetic. (she obvs regrets dying since she was running and crying) (what is it with writers and putting trembling lips for crying? I always picture the lips having like, a mini seizure or something, when I read "trembling lips" Try putting something about her closing her eyes to push back the tears-it's a lot more effective at stopping the crying thing) (I suck at mushy feelings so this will probs be bad) My lover wants me dead. I'd told myself this over and over the last few months but only now did it really ring true for me. Any lingering fight left me in an outpouring of emotion. I stopped fighting the tears, stopped muffling the sounds of my suffering. A great sob tore through my parted lips, echoing around me, leaving now doubt as to where I lay, defeated, almost welcoming my death. Strange as it was, once I knew I could not fight him, a peaceful feeling enveloped me. Resignation, perhaps? It didn't matter. My smile softened and warmed, becoming one of tragic happiness.

I had only one regret: not being able to see him again.

The last line isn't as good as you can probably get it. Oh, tip! Try rearranging the words in your sentences-you'll notice this is what I did with a lot of your sentences. It makes the sentences pop out more, gives them that extra sparkle lol.