Does my ex have a right to know if I miscarried his baby?

Question

My long term bf and I recently broke up due to an extreme amount of stress in my life. I didn't know I was pregnant until I lost the baby. I'm not an idiot, I know how my body works....but because we were not really together towards the end and my period was sporadic due to stress I thought nothing of it.

In any case, I've lost the baby and he and I still talk, but not much. Does he have a right to know? I am concerned he will think I am telling him just to get him back. That is if he even believes me in the first place. I wasn't far enough along to loo pregnant and I blamed the weight gain on stress.

I am not looking for judgment or criticism. All I want to know is if you think I should tell him. We had plans to get married and have babies someday.

Answer 1

yea he has the right to know, because its half his. if it wasnt for HIS sperm you wouldnt have gotten pregnant so its like a joint investment, he should know the losses.  

Answer 2

Why not.

Step back and think about this with all emotion aside.

What is stopping you from telling him?

Why is negative about telling him?

Does it affect him in anyway?

If emotion (fear, sadness) are in the way, cast them aside and continue.

If there is a negative reason - such as he will become hostile, it will make him unstable, might lead to personal depression ect. Then perhaps there is no reason to tell him, as the cons out weigh anything gained.

If it doesn't effect him in any way (he no longer cares about you or has and impact on his life) he may be ill receptive to your message. It may do more harm to you then him.

Miscarriages happen and for a host of reasons apprently as high as 50% is by chance. So its nothing other then human nature.

If you dont want to rekindle the stress then perhaps not telling him is key. If not you could tell him, he may wish to know - but its over now, so its no longer his consern, and has no implications of his life - so he might not even care if you told him.

I guess you will just need to ponder what it is your trying to gain?

Closure?

Trying to do the correct thing?

and see how your action of telling him helps achive that.

Answer 3

Of course he has a right to know! After all, it's HIS baby. Just sit him down and calmly tell him you miscarried his child. You two can support each other at such a time, and make sure he knows that. Be there for each other, even if you're separated.

Answer 4

I wouldn't.  It could invoke a false sense of sympathy and he could try and reignite a relationship even when you're not ready for it or too vulnerable to be rational about a relationship.

Answer 5

I think that telling him is completely up to you. When and how you tell him will ultimately reflect his reactions to the situation. Don't tell him after an argument because he'll think it's out of spite. Don't tell him after a lovey-dovey conversation because he may take it as you're trying to latch on to those emotions right then. I am in the same situation. I dated someone for a very long time and had a miscarriage while we were still together and didn't even know it until nature had taken its course. The doctor told me what had happened and since there was nothing I could do at that point I never told him. To me, there was no point to. We're long broken up but still talk because we love each other even tho we are in relationships with different people. If he were to ever ask or the topic were brought up in a conversation then yes, I would tell him. This has yet to happen so until it does I feel like I've done nothing wrong.

Answer 6

No it doesn't matter at this point.  If you had had the baby you should have talked to him about it. Talk to a close friend or your mother if you are feeling depressed.  

Answer 7

Yes if you were serious enough to talk about getting married and having babys then u need to tell him.It is just gonna haunt u for the rest of ur life if u dont.And her cant get mad at u either becuz its not like u asked to get pregnant or to lose the baby.

Answer 8

yes i would tell him

Answer 9

hmmm... well that's tough. If you really think he is going to think you made it up then its not going to do any good anyway. I might tell him and provide him with proof from the hospital on what really happened. I would explain that you don't want to get back together but out of respect for him and your own sanity, you thought he should know. If u guys were planning on marriage and kids, you were serious enough to fill him in.  

Answer 10

No, let it go, if there is no chance of you guys being together again, he doesnt need to know. Of course unless you are really close still and he is like one of your friends, then you should.

Same thing happened to me, but I cut off absolutely all ties with my ex. So I didnt feel like I needed to tell him anything.

But it really is up to you, and you do whatever you think is best, but don't go upsetting everyone including yourself if it is unnecessary.

Answer 11

I believe it's morally right to tell him an unborn child belonging to him has passed away, it's not your fault and hopefully he will see it that way.

Answer 12

YES!!

Answer 13

yea just tell him so you don't feel guilty about it later.

Answer 14

If you tell him you'll both be sad! there's nothing you can do about the situation now. Honestly, what is the harm if you don't tell him? and what is the harm if you do? If you feel compelled to tell him because, maybe it'll make you cry less or something know that he'd probably rather not know in the end, because there is no solution, only sadness.

Answer 15

yeah you could tell him but dont do it to try to get him back that is not a good reason... so if that is why you wanna do it then dont

Answer 16

Of course it is his right to know. It was his baby; it could have grown up to be his child! He could have been a father, of course he should know!

Answer 17

I don't see what you or he have to gain by telling him this.  For that matter, I'm not even sure why you still talk to him.

Answer 18

I know everybody else is going to say yes, but I don't think you need to tell him.

I should tell him if you were still pregnant, but since you're not, maybe you should just leave it in the dark.

Unless you're really sad or upset and need someone to talk to.

And I agree with you:" maybe he won't even believe you.

Wish you all the best.

Answer 19

yes just cuze you broke up doesnt mean he deserves to not know that his own baby died.

Answer 20

Uh. Yes. You're an arrogant, terrible person if you don't want to tell him.

Answer 21

if you ever want to get back toether with him i would

Answer 22

You have to think whats best for you and him. If he's moved on and is doing well does he really need to know whats been going on ?

On the other hand it's not fair on you if you have to keep this to yourself. I suggest talking to him in private and telling him that you want to put it behind you, and that you've thought about whats best for yourself and him.

He might take it badly as he had a right to know, and if so you just have to handle it in a mature way. He might take it well though and then you can move on.

Good luck xx

Answer 23

I have been in your exact position.  I had two miscarriages- but I WANTED to tell him, and I think that needs to be your grounds for telling him.  I couldn't stand having that weight on my shoulders, especially not when we were still in contact.  I knew he still cared for and loved me, too, though.  I had to go to the doc one day for follow up, and he called as I was leaving and asked what I was going to the doc for.  We set up a dinner and I told him everything!  He cried with me and was really sad that I hadn't let him know before.  Anyway, not that it was the intent behind my telling him, but now we are married and have a baby on the way lol.  One week til due date.   Anyway, do what you feel is right.  If you have a good relationship with your ex, then it is only fair that he should help carry your burden.

Answer 24

I would, but I often say too much and things backfire on me, so yeah. But considering he is/was the father I really think it's his right to know.

Answer 25

There's two ways to approach it. First, are you upset. If you are upset maybe you should tell him so that you have someone to talk about the miscarriage to. Miscarriages can be damaging to a woman's emotions.If you decide to tell him ask him to come over/ or go there. Then sit and calmly explain about the miscarriage. Tell him that you thought he had a right to know since the baby was his also.

Second, if you're not upset and he never knew don't tell him. He may get upset and if you're not willing to grieve with him then don't tell him. Miscarriages can be just as hard on men as they can on women.

Answer 26

Yes as he was the father of the baby

Im so sorry you had to go through the pain of loosing your child

Wishing you all the best



answer mine please??

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 27

Well. . . had the pregnancy continued, I would say he would need to know. But since it did not, I don't think he NEEDS to know. If you think it's the type of thing he would want to know you could tell him, but if you think it would only cause him to feel bad or conflicted, it may be best to not tell him. Dealing with a miscarriage is hard enough by itself without having to worry about someone else's feelings about it.

EDIT- Anyone who says you'd be a terrible person for not telling him is a twit. Situations like these are complicated and are not as black and white as that (and anyone who thinks they are is foolish and doesn't have the empathy required to put themselves in someone else's shoes). It's a gray area. If you were talking about getting an abortion and wondering if the father had a right to know, THEN I could see where it would be selfish not to tell him.

Answer 28

Pshyeah!

Answer 29

I would not mention it.  An ex boyfriend cannot help you through this loss.  

Talk to your girlfriends or your doctor about your personal feelings regarding the miscarriage but keep him out of it.  

I suspect with his past  experiences being what they are I see your heart being broken again should he choose to not believe you.

Answer 30

I would tell him its rite thing to do if e thinks bad of you its him thats the jerk x