Does my fiancee need AA?

Question

When we met 5 years ago he was going out and getting completely wasted every night. Now we've been together for 4 years and have an 8-month-old son and he's quit drinking for the most part. We have a couple of drinks occasionally and it doesn't seem to be a problem. The real problem (I think) is that my fiancee will have an alcoholic "energy" drink...WHILE HE'S AT WORK!! We argue about it, because he tries to hide it, but I can almost always tell. It upsets me that he would risk losing his job and our financial security (I'm a full-time mommy) because he "gets stressed out" or "needs energy". I'm at the point where I'm not sure if we should be together anymore, because this keeps happening and I keep threatening to leave him if it's going to continue. I want him to go to AA, but I'm not sure if its relevant since he doesn't actually get drunk. Please help!

Answer 1

A surprisingly large percentage of former drinkers are able to manage their drinking later in their lives, after the situation that led them to drink is over. So, while AA folks say that one can never have even the smallest amount of alcohol, there are some who drink a little and are OK. If your fiance is genuinely not overdoing it, and not getting drunk, and it's not affecting your relationship in the sense that he's not behaving badly, then it might be OK. I mean, is the one drink at work causing any problems at work? Or is it just that you are unhappy about him having a drink? Is it just one drink, or does he come home from work soused?

The key to what you should do, I think, lies in whether he currently has a drinking problem or not.

Answer 2

Dont marry him, leave him now

Answer 3

Okay. He's an alcoholic, a drunk, if you will. He was a drunk when you met him, so that shouldn't come as any surprise. (I wonder why you married a drunk. Thought you could change him, huh? HA!) And you have no idea if he gets drunk or not. You don't see him until he comes home. Or maybe you're just so used to seeing fall on his face in the past that you've lost perspective. Someone who puts their job at risk to drink is a DRUNK. Like addicted to alcohol. Get it? And claiming "stress" or needing energy (?!!!) is bull, and you know it. Want to see him drunk again regularly. Just wait until it cost him his job. Then you'll see some drinkin'!

AA works for a lot of people. But each and every person it worked for wanted to quit drinking and wanted badly to quit. You don't embark on that kind of effort on a whim.  

Answer 4

getting drunk everytime you drink, or not getting drunk is not what exactly makes you an alcoholic.  its the fact that he needs it to get thru the day.

if you mean it give him an untilmatum and make sure to stand by it. because if you tell him quit or else and he doesnt quit but you dont do anything he will learn that you are basically full of it.

i know, my ex is/was an alcoholic, and i kicked out many times for not thinking of the kids, and just his selfish needs. i always let him back except for this last time.

if yuo leave him he will tell you everything you wanna hear, but make sure that he is being honest and being held to the highest standard so that he makes a full recovery.

and if he doesnt want help, he wont do it. an alcoholic should always clean up because its what they want not because of kids, of family. they will relapse if that is the case.

be ready to move on if need be.

good luck, i am sorry to read that you are in this situation.

Answer 5

he may gain some benefit, but only if he sees his drinking as a problem. One of the biggest tenents of AA (or any 12 step program) is that the individual must admit that they are powerless over alcohol.

There are meetings that ore "open" which means that anyone can attend. You may want to go yourself, just to pick up pamphlets and talk to the members that are in attendance.

The other problem is this: he is very busy rationalizing what he is doing. The fact that he is drinking at work is a red flag, but does it get him in trouble? there are a wide range of questons only the person concerned can answer.

I would say your best option is to educate yourself about alcoholism and get help for yourself (Al-Anon is a wonderful resource for spouses)

Best of luck to you

Answer 6

yes

Answer 7

He drinks because of you, you put too much pressure on him

Answer 8

I believe he does.

Everything you say here is classic of someone in denial and addiction.  He tries to hide it, he puts the blame on other things (stress, energy, etc.).  He needs to have it.  He's willing to put his job and family on the line and does not care.

A person does not have to get drunk to be an alcoholic.  Some people can be termed "functional alcoholics".  Simply stated, they're not falling down drunk.  They are able to continue on with a job and other activities.

First and foremost, a person with an addiction of any type will not seek or accept help unless he/she admits there is a problem.  Until then, nothing you do, say, threaten will move them.

At this point, if you keep threatening to leave him and have not, he now sees it as an empty threat and does not believe you.  Do not threaten to leave unless you intend to right that minute pack your bags and go.

Please seriously consider what's going on before you get married.  All the signs are there.  Trust your instincts.  Do you want your child to grow up in this environment?  

These things always get worse before they get better, if they ever do get better.  Sometimes they never do.  Better to walk away now than to deal with years of worrying, emotional abuse, and an eventual divorce.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Yes, you should try to get him into AA. If he has to have a drink to get through the day then he does need help. Just because he doesn't get drunk does not mean he is not an alcoholic.  

Answer 10

It sounds like alcohol is definitely a problem.  It's more about alcohol being a crutch than drunkeness.  He should have better coping skills in place than his drinking.  I think that AA could be very beneficial.  

Answer 11

What will it take for you to walk away from this relationship?

You haven't heeded any of the warning signs in the 5 years you've known this guy, and now you're in pretty deep. You're not even married and you've stuck with him through thick and thin like a real trooper.

You can't fix your fiance and neither can AA as long as he's in denial ~ even then he will be an alcoholic for the rest of his life. What kind of person knowingly marries an alcoholic?

It's a good thing that you've totally embraced unhealthiness and dysfunction because you are in for a whole lot more...

Answer 12

An addict will only get help on THEIR time.

Obviously having a wife and son depending on him does not matter.  He will eventually slip up and get busted, it is inevitable.  You are not with him 24 hours a day you have NO idea how drunk he gets.

Please do not get pregnant again.  You might want to work on your resume as well because sooner than later you will have to support your child.

Answer 13

Your fiancee is a alcoholic and just because he dosnt get drunk dosnt mean he dosnt need to go to AA. You say he dosnt drink as much as he use to, but he needs a alcohol energy drink at work.. he needs AA. But you cant make him go to AA he has to admit to his addiction and want to go himself. You cant help someone who dosnt want to be helped.. You can lead a alcoholic to AA but you cant make him stay. But whos to say that even if he dosnt drink like he use to he picks back on old habits and starts drinking like he use to.

I lived with a alcoholic for 3 years. The scariest and most abusive 3 years of my life.. I stayed because I loved him and I thought he would change or if I was good enuff to him he would change for me.. but he never did.. he drank 7 days a week, everyday after work he went to the bar, got as drunk as one could  get.. ran up a tab that took almost his whole paycheck each friday. On weekends was worse.. hed be at the bar when it opened and closed it down almost 12 hours later.. I did everything I could to please him and to get him to stop but when he was drinking he was the meanest, most arrogant abusive man I had ever met.. when he would come home, he would demand his dinner on the table and by  the time it was on the table he was passed out cold.. and I let him sleep.. in the morning he never had a hangover, never felt bad or sick and 9 times out of 10 he didnt remember what he did.. and would get up every morning and go to work, never late and never called in sick bc of his drinking.. After 3 years I left him, it was hard bc i did love him but i knew i deserved better.. About 2 years after our breakup I had heard that he had quit drinking, quit smoking cigarettes, got married and was expecting his 2nd daughter.. I knew he was a good man.. only when he was sober..

Good Luck to you..  

Answer 14

It is absolutely relevant; he is an alcoholic, albeit a functioning alcoholic, but still an alcoholic and the only way he can help himself is to go to AA meetings and you need to go to Al Anon meetings so you have a better understanding of what denotes an alcoholic and what they need to recover.

Answer 15

Yes he needs AA. Next... why would you marry someone like this. Are you stupid or does it just sound like it? Come on, wake up and look at what you are doing. Get out now. There are better men out there.

Answer 16

I understand where you are coming from, but you can't force AA on him.

People who need help will never truly go and put forth effort untill THEY realize they NEED IT and seek it out for themselves.

If you dont think that will happen, give him an ultimatum, but remember, if you FORCE HIM, he willl only feel cornered and get defensive, and refuse to go.

Just my opinion