Does my technique in this poem work and still maintain a message?

Question

~War and Devotion Askew~

Cannot hide what speaks within

without giving all away

a way to hold the fire of sole

Solders in a tightened line

Lineage hung up on the mount

Dismounted from the steed of war

warranting a badge doom

Demonstrating glory and honor held

Help will come only when we call

Cellared shirt of red denotes

devotion springing from the obliged

obliterating what we searched

scratched in a stone-wore tag

Tattered thought forgotten

~as it has always been

…and always will forever be…

This is another where the first and last words of each line are similar to the one after it… “Sole/Solders, Call/Cellared… I would like to know if this works and if it is any good. I haven’t been in a poetic mood and this is just me trying to get that funk back!

Answer 1

I suggest you keep waiting for your "funk" to get back, because it hasn't. As for your "technique", you might be interested in looking at the structure in a Villanelle. Sylvia Plath has some great ones.

Answer 2

I think I'm going to be sick..not that this is a bad poem not at all...its my imagination dead bodies not so s**y...But I guess that mean its a good poem..I was hoping to have fun with you but not even the queen of fools can have fun with war being glorified

Answer 3

It's a pretty good poem... you should take out either 'always' or 'forever', in the last line.

"Forever, as it will always be" would fit after 'forgotten'.

I think that your choice of words worked fine, for the most part.

You could've added a bit more substance to the lines... it seemed like you might've been focusing too much on staying in the pattern of similar words... that might have distracted your poetic mood.

Answer 4

I think it does... but this is only me, another who is just coming out of muse lossage! I love the poem and have found many diverse meanings within its confines! Thank you for sharing Larouxe...

Answer 5

The title is excellent and the poem that follows is unique in form and deep with meaning.  I would only suggest reworking the last couplet as it doesn't follow the pattern of similar words.  Perhaps you meant it that way, however, to make the words stand out.  You have been inspired to write an outstanding poem.  I would say you are once again blessed to be in a "poetic mood".   Thank you.