Does splitting a child's time with his grandparents and mother affect his behavior?

Question

My fiancee has a five-year-old son. She seems to be bound a determined to diagnose him with something and have him doped up. My opinion obviously. But I think the fact that he doesn't stay at any one home for more than a day gives him free reign to act as he wishes, because he's going somewhere else with a different set of rules tomorrow or even later that day. Typical weekly schedule for the boy this summer and really most of the past two years goes like this -- monday all day with her mother -- tuesday the day with her mother and the night with us -- wednesday the whole day with us -- thursday day with her father and night with her mother (divorced) -- friday day with her mother's boyfriend and night with us -- saturday morning with us and the rest of the day with her soon-to-be-ex-step-father -- sunday morning with her brother at church, afternoon with us, and night with her mother. He acts out horribly when he does not get his way and has recently begun to act this way with others.

Answer 1

I think you've nailed it on the head.  That kid has no idea what's going on.  It's too much!

Answer 2

I would think all the bouncing around would not only cause him to act out, but become very confusing too!  Each home has different rules and he's never in one place long enough to remember what to do or not in each different home.  You and your fiance' need to establish a better routine with the child so that he's in one place for longer than a day or so.  Why is he spending so much time with every body else and not his own mother?  This needs to change quickly if it's at all possible so that the poor boy has something constant in his life - most of his time spent with the most important person in his small world, his mom...not everybody else.  Mom needs to step up and take control of her child and you need to back her up on this/help her see that her son needs HER, not everybody else.  Although having so many babysitters is always a good thing, they should not become so involved in the child's life that he spends more time with them than he does his own mother.

Answer 3

PARTY TIME!!!

  That boys must be having the time of his life! He has everyone wound around his little finger, and he's just playing the whole lot of you!!

  It would be near impossible to get together as a group and agree on one set of rules and consequences for him. But, that's what he needs most. If you guys can all agree on some basics, you'll be on your way to getting him to calm down.

Good luck, you have my sympathy.

Answer 4

My step children have their care split 50/50 between their father and I and their mother and her husband.

The children don't have this issue you are talking about.  Once they have their "settling in day" (where they re-remember the way to act at Daddy's house) they fit seamlessly back into our routine.

The four of us have similar views on how to parent children though, and we communicate extremely well with each other, so this probably helps a great deal.  The grandparents on their father's side also share the same sorts of views (I can't speak for the grandparents on their mother's side, because I don't know them all that well).  This is a good thing as well.

I hope this is what you were looking for.

Answer 5

Bouncing all over the place is definately not great for a little one.  They need stability.  I think you should suggest to your fiance that you all get together for a family meeting and discuss how to make his schedule more stable.  Perhaps his dad can take him one week,  his mother the next.  The poor kid, how would you all feel if you couldn't stay in the same place for more than a day at a time??  Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Personally I think this is WAAAAY to much bouncing around for one kid. It sounds as if he spends most of his time travaeling from one place to the other. At the same time, sometimes you have to do what you have to do to make sure that someone is taking care of him at all times.

Everyone who is watching him needs to sit down together and establish a set of rules and boundaries that are consistent from one place to another as well as consequences for violating them.. Then those rules, boundaries and consequences need to be communicated to the child. In that way he will understand what is expected of him everywhere. Finally....the consequences need to be given fairly and consistently when necessary.