Does the preface to my story I'm writing make you want to read more?

Question

First off, I am fifteen years old. I love writing books and I just started writing a new one. I have the preface for it created already and part of the first chapter. I was wondering if the preface makes you want to read more. Here it is:

I tripped over a branch in the dark forest. My face hit the cold ground and I grimaced against the pain. Was there even a reason to get back up? Sooner or later I would die, and I was certain of that. I had known for a while now, so why was I so scared? I had lived my life as best as I could, and I was satisfied. An image of his face formed in my mind. It was ironic, because the same person I love was the one sent to end my life. Putting it that way, I don't think I would regret dying. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying. The only thing I would regret is never being able to see him again.

That's the whole preface to my story. Does it sound like something that would catch peoples attention and make them want to read more? Also, I would love some suggestions on how to make it sound more detailed. I've been told that i need to "show" my story more than "tell" it, but I'm not sure how to do that exactly. Thanks.

Answer 1

     I think it's very good.  Watch your tenses, though.  Generally, you're writing in the past tense, but there are one or two places where you slip to the present.  You're only 15 and I think you've done an excellent job.  I feel there's talent there struggling to get out!

Good luck.

Mike B

Answer 2

Here's my thing. If the first sentence can't capture, doubtfully, the rest of the book will. This is one of those times. I read through the thing quickly and I could easily identify the places you were trying to make me ask myself "Oh, I wonder why she's running." "Who's 'he'"? You're using textbook, old amateurish methods to try to interest people. Readers want to be captured by the reading, and be taken to another world. They don't want to fully realize that yes, they're reading someones writing.

Yes, I do think you need to show more in your writing. Let me put my spin on your preface:

My leg caught onto a branch and I went down hard into a moss patch. ****. I gasp suddenly at the needles stabbing away at me. Clouds of breath flew,panicked.

****. I'm an idiot. Even now, [enter his name (yeah, it's okay to. People will be more interested that way).] won't get out of my mind. I'm as good as dead, so I've given up. I gripped at some dead leaves playfully. They easily crumpled and stuck to my sweaty palm. 'That stupid b*****d.' I smirked humorlessly, eyes burning. 'You always manage to make me want more.'

I'm 15 too, and an aspiring writer. I would like to know what your book is about, however. You can yim me at mythikal_x or email me at [e-mail]  :D (Or don't if you think I've been completely stupid. lol).

Answer 3

Hmmm, it's intriguing, but the quality of writing needs work.

When people say "show, don't tell", they're talking about lines like "I had known for a while now, so why was I so scared?" That's something your narrator is telling us. Her actions really don't tell me she's scared. She's not gasping, shaking, looking behind her, anything that would add drama to the situation. I know it's in first person so we're supposed to be able to hear her thoughts, but even then, try to amp it up a little. Try to imagine the way you really think in your own head, instead of what thoughts would best move the story along. Instead of calmly thinking to herself that she won't regret dying, wouldn't she be thinking "OH GOD, OH GOD, RUN RUN RUN!!!"?

I guess I assume she's running away from something. If not, focus on more in-the-moment thoughts that add to our impression of the scene.

You can get more in-depth critiques at a writing forum too: http://authorsnotes.info/forum/index.php

Answer 4

thats really good. I possibly would want to read it. its just not my style. But dont let that stop you. I think its great

Answer 5

I think it's very good.  It would really catch my attention.