Does the presence of pain make something bad?

Question

I'm not dismissing pain. I'm saying work with it. Use it to create change. Come up with ways to aleviate it. Just acknowledging pain and slamming adoption is not enough. All I see here is the acknowledgement of pain with no solutions offered for healing. Some of you can give the heat...but you offer absolutely no light.

Answer 1

Absolutely not. Breaking up with my high school boyfriend was painful, but he turned out to be a real loser.

All joking aside, I think adoption on some levels is painful to all involved, but in the right situation, it can be a good thing in the end.

Answer 2

Pain can be both good and bad.  For instance, in order to build muscle you have to tear little bits of it (that's why you get sore).  In those cases, the pain is good.  On the other hand, if you break a bone you're also in pain, and the bone, unlike muscle, is often weaker when it heals.  

However, you make a good point.  People never REALLY stop to think about what the alternative to the pain they are feeling really is.  Like going off to college - the only way to avoid that pain is to NOT go off, and thus miss all those opportunities.  You will also have the pain of having your parents stick their noses into every bit of your now semi-adult life.  

It's easy for people to say that "family preservation" is always best.  It's easy to imagine an idyllic life with their first families.  For SOME of them it may even be true, but I think that's the vast minority.  Someone on here posts that her parents went on to marry the year after she was given away, but honestly, how often does that type of thing happen?  

Even if they meet their first families now - that's not the same family/people that would have existed if they'd stuck around.  Their mothers may have gone on to finish college, get good jobs, and get married....  maybe even soon after the adoption.  What they keep FORGETTING is that if they had been there, likely the results would have changed.  As a single mom, I know exactly how hard balancing school, and work is, even with family support.  I've had to kiss dating completely goodbye until I'm out of school if I want to have any time at all to devote to my son.  How likely is it, really, that these parents would have gone on to be totally successful if they were raising a child.  How good would that child have turned out if his/her parent had no time for him/her?  Yes, some people DO manage it...  but the statistics say far more fail.  

Pain CAN be bad, but it can also be indicative of growth, and growth is usually good.  You really have to take each case indivicually and evaluate all sides to know.

Answer 3

Sigh. Yes, Cruz Girl, we all experience pain.  

Are you sure you thought this one through?  What on earth does the pain of leaving home for college-a normal growing up experience-have to do with the pain of being given away by your mother?

What about women who are raped, children who are abused, prisoners who are tortured, someone whose child  dies....are these types of pain to just be dismissed as "a part of life that all of us experiences"?  To h**l with them, they'll get over it...everyone experiences pain!

There are all sorts of pain, you are not in a position to judge and qualify someone else's pain.  Please stop.

Answer 4

I suggest your open your chest and rip out your heart and tell me again that pain is good. Cause, honey, that is exactly what adoption feels like to me.

I'm a little pissy tonight.

Answer 5

"That which does not kill me, only makes me stronger"

~Friedrich Nietzsche

"...When we long for life without...difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." -- Peter Marshall

Answer 6

Pain is only bad if it has lasting effects on ones life or interferes with ones activities. I think that you have to weigh the positive/ negative consequences before making an assumption that all pain is bad........

Answer 7

Pain doesn't necessarily mean bad.

Labor is painful but birth comes from pain and that's a good thing. Leaving home for college is a good thing. Adoption is a good thing. Change can be painful but it's most often good.

Answer 8

Yes being abandoned by your mother (as it says on my adoption papers) is exactly the same kind of pain as going away to college.  I've been so silly all these years.  Thank you for clearing things up with your superior sense of logic.

And just for the record, going away to college was the absolute best thing that ever happened to me.  If I could have skipped all the way there I would have.  Not an ounce of pain.  Not a minute of homesickness.  

No it's not the same thing at all.

ETA:  I find that I had to heal my adoption pain myself.  I created my family.  I picked healthy people to share my life with and I learned to be compassionate and empathetic to others who have been down a similar road.  Compassion and empathy gets me a lot farther in life than judging and belittling the pain of others.

Answer 9

Sounds good in theory

Thanks for the attempt to invalidate and dismiss the feelings of many people though, nice one.  I hope you feel better for it.

Answer 10

Emotional pain is a part of life, and it is only bad if you let it be so.  Physical pain is a whole different story!!

Answer 11

Pain is inevitable in life- however it is not the pain that destroys the person, it is how they learn to handle to pain-  As a Christian first, and then as an adoptee and also an adoptive parent- I have learned that the pain that I have experienced in life, and still continue to experience by the way, will either make me better or bitter- I choose better

Answer 12

Pain is normally a sign that something is wrong and needs to be changed.  Therefore, we work for change.  

Also, there are other considerations.  Leaving home for college isn't so bad because you still get to visit the family and friends you love.  You normally have the option of coming back to your hometown, so it's often temporary that one is away.

Of course pain is just a part of life that we all experience.  However, it is important to pinpoint the cause of the pain and make the changes necessary, both within AND WITHOUT of oneself to the situation.  

Just because one may be able to use the pain as an impetus for micro and macro changes doesn't mean the pain should be dismissed.  In fact, that's all the more reason to freely admit the pain.  After all, dismissing the pain will never allow the opportunity for the change to occur.

The question implies a rather simplistic view of adoption.  Adoption is a complex, multi-faceted entity.

Answer 13

I have to say that I agree with your theory.  Some of the best advice I ever received as a teenager was that "no one can make you feel anything without YOUR permission", meaning that no one can make me feel sad or angry without MY allowing that emotion to occur.  I am a firm believer that we all face adversity and challenges in life to make us stronger.  Was recognizing the loss of pregnancy because of our infertility painful?  Absolutely.  Was it a loss?  Absolutely!  Yet some people here on Y!A insist on attacking infertile women and criticize us for all of the adoption problems that occur.  If I turned the tables on others in the triad like that, I would be crucified.  

Am I saying that adoptees should get over their pain?  NO!  Just as I will never truly get over the pain of infertility.  However, I truly believe that it is how people CHOOSE to deal with the pain that makes the difference.  One can sit back and do nothing about the pain, or one can take that loss/pain and work towards making it a positive experience.  In this case, fighting for adoption reform, or educating others about mistakes made (such as signing papers too soon or lying on paperwork, etc.  It is what you CHOOSE to do with your loss and pain that makes the DIFFERENCE.  : )

Answer 14

The physical pain of childbirth is a mere blip on the radar. It lasts how long - and for those few days of pain you have a lifetime with your child.

The emotional pain of adoption for some people is far from a blip. For some it can be a lifetime of wondering and aching to meet your natural family only to never be allowed to. And for those who do, and have successful reunions (like me) it's painful to think about what could have been had I been raised by them - because it would have been a lot better. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful that I have them in my life now - but it doesn't really alleviate the pain of having been separated from them.

So anyway, really, your analogies just don't work - you are talking about two totally different kinds of pain that were caused by completely different reasons and with different goals and initial choices.

Questions like this make me really sad because they are just dismissive of someone's emotions. And if pain does lead to healing then some of the people here are working through their pain - so why kick them when they are down?

Oh, and leaving home for me was anything but painful.

ETA: I don't think I've ever seen an adoptee say they are special because they feel pain - everyone feels pain - at least I hope so otherwise they'd be sociopaths. But if someone says that they felt adoption was the worst thing a person could go through they are probably speaking from their experience. Aren't they entitled to have that opinion? I mean if that's what THEY FELT - how can anyone say what they feel is wrong?

Let's say I felt rape was the worst thing a person could go through. But someone else whose home was broken into and had been raped & then the rapest murdered her mother felt that being a witness to her mothers murder was much worse would it then be okay for them to dismiss my feelings about rape simply because they experienced something they consider worse.

Why can't people just acknowledge other people's pain. Is that so hard?

There are plenty of people here who are using their pain to create change. Unless you personally know every adoptee here you cannot insinuate that these people are not working towards change.

The truly sad thing is Cruzgirl, while I feel I have come a long way in the past four years and have alleviated a lot of my pain, I don't know that I can truly ever heal 100%. And maybe it's just recognizing that and being okay with that, that is part of the healing.

Answer 15

Suffering exists. One of the the golden rules to Buddhism, I get it. Yes pain exists, we all experience pain in one way shape or form. If you truly had compassion for those in pain you wouldn't tell them to just get over it. That doesn't help anyone. Accepting the pain is a very hard thing to do when you're not responsible for it, and 99% of your life has been pushed towards dismissing it.

I see a lot of production in the form of change from many of the adoption reformists on yahoo answers. If you don't see growth, and progress towards change, then you're lookin' in the wrong places.

I'm proud of many that I see on Yahoo Answers, even alisaA err adoption is a ok. Shes come a long way just since posting on here. I'm proud of bdpwife, heather, sunny, laurie, phil, adoptionissadandsick, lillie,heather h, zaza,  there are so so many. Joy, cowboyfan , erin l, gaia rainn, in cognito and so many more, theres tons of us. We may not agree on everything but there has been enlightenment here, there has been communication, education from a number of different perspectives on adoption. I have grown alot, and I have watched others grow alot as well.

If pain is bothering you, or if others expressing their own pain is bothering you, perhaps you need to look inside yourself and see if you, infact are running from pain yourself.

Growth change and healing don't happen overnight. They come with expessing core emotions and that certainly won't be seen on such an unmoderated, public, subject to slaughter place as yahoo answers. If you want to witness healing firsthand in a great way, I think you would have to join a support group, something yahoo answers, is not.

I agree with Dory that recognizing your pain as part of you, and not trying to "change" that or "run from that" was one of the greatest moments of my life. This is me. I am changing every time I take a breath but in this moment, this is who I am. I am me. Take it or leave it.

Answer 16

A medical person would tell you that pain is your body's (or mind's) way of trying to get your attention because something is wrong.

Pain is like the canary in the mine shaft: when it happens, your life may depend on how quickly and appropriately you react.

Funny that childbirth should be mentioned: I got to a point during pushing with my first baby where I could tell something was wrong, but I didn't know how to explain it to the doctor. So she kept saying "just one or two more pushes" and I kept saying "no, no"...she didn't take me seriously at first because she thought I was just reacting to the normal amount of labor pain. Finally, she realized what the problem was and we were able to fix it so that the baby could be born in one piece.

Normal pain from growing up and living life is one thing, but there are quite a few people on this forum trying to explain "no, no"...adoption is more than just normal life pain.

Answer 17

in my personal experience, you can never appreciate what you have until you experience the pain or bitterness.

to explain. my story is slightly different. lori and i would have killed one another if we had lived together. the pain i have felt over the years about losing her could never compare to the pain we would have had if we stayed together.

very long story. if you know us then you know some of the story, so i wont go into it.

so...feeling the pain of her loss made me appreciate my afamily. for all they gave me. pain of being the oddball in their world led me to appreciate the acceptance i got when i found lori. and the pain of her story and life has given me a new respect for what she put herself through to make sure i was protected.

does that make sense? for me the pain brings the good to light. lets it be seen for what it truly is. not just accepted as normal and unnoticed. that pain has given me more appreciation and understanding in my life. because i know what lies beneath it, and am thankful for the opportunity to rise above.

again, this is just me. im not making statements for anyone else.

EDIT, TO HOMER, simply fantastic answer. pat on the back for that.

Answer 18

Snowballs in h**l!!!! Gershom -- did i read that correctly?????  

lol, gershom, i was thinking the same thing about you!  it seems you've taken a bit of the 'edge' off and i can read what you're writing and learn something!

and i do agree with BPD -- it's all about what you do with the pain and if you let it control your life or not....