Does this guy come off as a creep to you?

Question

A friend of mine from work met a guy on PlentyOfFish.com. He lives roughly 6 hours from us. They started dating a month ago, and he comes down every weekend. They have s*x all weekend, and he leaves on Monday. Apparently he's into BDSM and asphyxiation, and he collects handcuffs. I've spoken to him, and all he ever talks about is s*x.

I know you're thinking, 'if he doesn't seem like a creep to you yet, Ashley, then you're blind.' I just prefer looking beyond a person's quirks.

When he's down for the weekend, he sits in his car with his son for 8 hours for my friend to get off work and they spend the weekend together. She joked about having a younger girl (me) join them for s*x, but I know her -- she was completely JOKING. He, however, will not stop asking about it and she seems to be a little bitter with me over it. I'm sensitive and her last boyfriend physically abused her. She just wants to be loved and probably doesn't want to face her reality.

What do you truly think?

Answer 1

Women are weakminded and their issues are silly.

Answer 2

I always notice that a female sub is fine but a male dom is sick, how do you guys work that one out? no wonder some female subs find it hard to get what they want.

Guy doesn't sound right though.

Answer 3

You would make a poor psychologist.

You have given us a semi-detailed, but very personal, idea about your friend, her boyfriend, and what goes on between them, ignoring the fact of other aspects that could be more indicative of a problem with this relationship (if there is a problem.)

If she is meeting this guy for s*x, and s*x only, then that is like trying to make a candy bar into a seven-course meal. You can't judge a pot roast and a candy bar on equal merits, so determining whether or not this relationship is dysfunctional is iffy at best.

With your friend's abusive past, what I would be more interested in is if the new bf is exhibiting any sort of controlling behavior that goes beyond the bedroom. Using handcuffs in the bedroom is not nearly as serious (although the asphixiation fetish is very dangerous, lets hope she does it to him and not the other way around) as him making demands on who her friends are or how many times she has to call him or let him know whats going on. That is a much bigger warning sign that she is repeating the pattern of her abuse, and that the guy she is with needs to be legally watched, monitored, reported on, whatnot.

Sitting in the car with his kid for eight hours says nothing: if he can't find a babysitter, sitting with his kid and taking her to see his gf could actually be a sign of responsibility and not neglect. Again, what you don't see, or hear about going on, could have a greater impact and importance in deciding just who this guy is and how he fits into your friends life.

One last thing to note: being her friend means that you may not be able to save her from making all the bad decisions she is going to make in her life. Sometimes people need to keep making the decisions they are making because that is the only way they are going to learn (can't make a watermelon grow as fast as a grape.) If this guy crosses over into a legal area, feel free to make a nuisance of yourself, but also be prepared to dea with the fallout with your friend, and have to deal with the decision on how to best help her out (which sometimes means just being there for her and helping her put the pieces back together.)

Answer 4

Oh Yes! BIG Time Creep. And by the sound of the website. There are "Plenty of Fish" In the sea. She should start going fishing. And throw this one back.

Answer 5

I just gotta put my two cents in here...

BDSM!  OH MY!!  I love how people connect consensual BDSM practice with serial killers.  Its not the same.  Please educate yourself before you pass judgment on others.  It is actually fine for people to enjoy s*x together and if she just wants a little "booty call" on the weekend then good for her.  Now if he IS actually abusing her (abusing NOT participating in consensual BDSM) then yes there is a problem.  

The bottom line is this..."Judge not, lest ye be judged", live and let live, and accept people in spite of your own vanilla proclivities.  BDSM does NOT equal abuse.

Answer 6

BDSM is not creepy, weird but not really unusual anymore.

(asphyxiation is dangerous and should never be attempted)

    Spending 8 hours in a car sound's like a bit of a stretch though..

      He just needs to tone it down a bit. But I have seen similar situations(myself was not personally involved happened to friends ) and if you where to cave in you might be just used and thrown away so to speak.

        My advice if he creeps you out stay away from him, but keep in contact with your friend just in case...

Answer 7

I think you're right - except about him being a creep - weird sexual tastes perhaps.

Answer 8

"he sits in his car with his son for 8 hours"

There is something really wrong with this guy.

Edit: After he's waiting in his car all day for your friend, just where is the son while the freaky s*x is happening?

Answer 9

Certainly he's a creep.  if he has his eight-year-old son with him then he shouldn't be spending all weekend having s*x, he should be looking after the boy.  How can a child of that age possibly spend 8 hours sitting in a car without going mad with boredom?  This man is a bad father, and where is the child's mother while all this is going on?  why does she allow it?  I don't care about your idiot friend and her boyfriend, but I do care about his child.  something ought to be done about him.

Answer 10

I don't know what to say. This sounds appalling. I trust your judgment that the guy's a creep. I would try to pursuade my friend to get out of the situation. It's not so much his keenness for somewhat dubious sexual activities (asphyxiation anyone?) as the fact that he talks about nothing else and he's trying to get you involved. It doesn't seem healthy and I mean that in the severest possible sense. Perhaps I the right environment and with a previous wish for this sort of experience herself your friend could explore these things. But this just doesn't sound like it.

-Just a word of sanity from the beastlier s*x.

Answer 11

met a guy online: OK

lives 6 hours away: OK

has s*x all weekend: OK

into BDSM: OK

collects handcuffs: OK

talks about s*x: OK

sits in car with son for 8 hours: Major problem

Answer 12

This may sound harsh, but that's not the way for her to be loved.  Yes he is a creep a perverted creep at best.  Stay away from him. My other concern is his son.

Answer 13

What do I think?  I think that she's a consenting adult and you need to learn to mind your own business.  

It sounds like there is something wrong with her to be attracted to this guy.  You can't be her fairy godmother, and you needn't feel guilty about that.  You can only tell her what your feelings are and leave it at that.

If I were in your shoes, I would have no communication with this guy.

Answer 14

Yes, he is a creep. Not only that but he is a stalker. Your friend is in for a load of trouble if she continues her relationship with him. My reasons for deciding that are:

1. He comes over every weekend and it's clear it's only for the purpose of having s*x. He's obsessed with s*x and really couldn't care less what your friend looks like.

2. He collects handcuffs and is into sado-masochistic sexual practices. It could only be a matter of time before that turns to torture and murder. Didn't the BTK Killer, Dennis Rader, also employ those practices before killing his victims?

3. The fact that he sits in his car for 8 hours while waiting for your friend shows he's a stalker who wants to know where his victim is at all times. Don't be surprised if he starts telling her who she can be friends with. If he cuts her off from you, by all means try to maintain contact. Isolating their victims is how abusers control them.

4. Your poor friend seems to attract abusers. Perhaps she was abused herself as a child and sees that as being normal male behavior.

5. I really feel sorry for that man's son. Not only must he be extremely bored with having to sit in a car for that long but he's learning from his father that is acceptable behavior towards women.

Answer 15

Wow. Maybe you should talk to her cause he is really strange.