Does this happen in your relationships?

Question

My husband likes his space from me and likes to judge when it's an okay time for intimacy and when it's not. I'm not talking about just s*x. It's a whole ton of things. For instance, if he's in a "mood" and I put my foot too far on "his" side of the couch, then he looks at my foot like it's offending him and tells me it's in his way (and we're not talking about my foot being on him...just to his side of the middle cushion). Also, if I stand too far in the middle of our two sinks in the bathroom in the morning, he pushes me over to "my" side. He gets upset with me if I lie too close to the middle of the bed, too. I'm not doing any of these things intentionally, mind you, but last night he started asking me over and over why I insisted on taking up part of his space. He said that I've been doing it more and more recently. He said every marriage needs a little space and that I should be conscious of giving it to him. This is VERY painful for me and just destroyed the good feelings I've had about our marriage recently. Am I being ridiculous here? Sometimes, he's all over me like white on rice and wants to cuddle constantly. It's so confusing.

By the way, on a side note, I'm seeking counseling and my therapist thinks my husband is emotionally abusive.

Answer 1

I have to agree... he is being abusive... Sounds like you're a whipping post for when he has had a bad day or is in one of his "moods"... Sounds like you do all you can and still walk on egg shells for him. Why not get a separate couch and a bigger bed. That way he can have his and yours if that is what he wants... It wont take him long before he is all over your side.

I hope all works out for you, and I'm sure you must have whiplash from the quick turn arounds he doing to you... like being lovie dovie one second and doesn't want you near him the next. He could be stressed or depressed, and may need medication.... see if he'll visit the doctor.

Answer 2

I agree with your therapist. Your husband seems to be making your life miserable, and is very unreasonable in his demands of you.  What you describe in your relationship does not happen in my relationship.  We respect one another and want to be close to one another. Of course you are experiencing alot of pain in your relationship. Know that what you are feeling is normal.  Is he open to counseling?

Answer 3

No, you aren't being ridiculous here; he is.  I hope he winds up doing the counseling thing.  It sounds important.

Personally, I like my wife on my side of the bed, and she's welcome to get as close as she likes on the sofa.  Everyone needs personal space, but not the way you describe.

Answer 4

No, it never has, not once.  Your therapist is going in the right direction.  BTW "pushing" you?  What are you?  An object to be moved?  The guy has issues - deep ones.

Answer 5

No, your husband is being ridiculous. He sounds like some kid who is afraid to get cooties or something. You're his wife, why wouldn't he want to be close to you, to share your space? I understand that people need space in relationships, but many people seek out having other hobbies outside of their relationship or scale out time during the day to do their own thing...but not get mad if your foot is on his side. There are no sides, everything belongs to the both of you. I think in a way your therapist is right, he seems like he's emotionally bullying you and has some serious OCD problems and that's not fair to you.

I'd speak to your husband and let him know that you understand the need for space, but why doesn't he take up a hobby to get his space instead of trying to distance himself as much as possible from you? I couldn't take someone like that, constantly nitpicking at me, not wanting me to touch them and having special rules when you can. That doesn't sound like a relationship at all. I think he's the one that needs to be seeing a therapist, not you and I wouldn't continue the relationship unless he sought out help.

Good luck.

Answer 6

that does sound emotionally abusive..l most people, when they love another, like to be close.. i mean, personal space is something to be considered, but its not such a huge deal ALL of the time... i wish i knew what to tell you to do to fix this.. i ended up divorcing my ex and am with a mna who cant get enough of me, and that feels good.. good luck to you!!!  

Answer 7

Sounds to me like some kind of phobia.. he definetly needs therapy to help him get over it. I don't know what to suggest if he won't go..

Answer 8

Maybe he has some form of autism? or an obsessive compulsive disorder?

has he always been this way? has something changed in your lives recently that has triggered this to a more intense level?

ask him to go to counseling with you.

if he won't then go find a little space of your own and see if he understands a little better.  

Answer 9

he is sick of you, get rid of him

Answer 10

Definitely emotionally abusive. He's robbing you of your good feelings and good energy. He's being ridiculous. "His space" should be your space too. I understand a little space, but he's throwing it way out of context. I think he needs a serious chat with a therapist as well.

Answer 11

LOL WOW!

Start needing your SPACE !!!!!!! when he is in his good mood and wants to be all over you! move him! tell him you need your own space to now! and you are use to it...and like this NEW space thing!

Tell  him you just hope this whiole new space thing doesent drive your heart into its own corner....and make you feel different about your marriage! but OH well meanwhile tell him your right we do need OUR OWN SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!

and start ignoring his dumb AS*!

UGH how annoying!~ I put my feet near my fiance all the time! and if he spoke like that to me it would go stright in his mouth!

I would never dare let my man treat me like that!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPACE! tell him to go find some space in the d**n corner! away from you!

Tell him from now on he can sleep on t he bed alone so HE can make sure you dont accidently touch him! and sleep on the co uch if need be! s***w him and his space!

Tell him if a divorce is space enough, because you think you guys probably moved too fast!

OMG IF I were you I would make him go nutts! and ignore the c**p out of him till he begs me to stick my feet AS* and anything else I could on him! make him beg like a lil bit*H!

Answer 12

sweetie, leave him. he's a bit of a freak! the second my husband physically pushed me onto my "side" of the sink, i would have pushed him threw a wall! what the h**l is he thinking? i'm sorry but he's just not right in the head. i practically sleep on top of my husband, we sit together on the couch and i'll throw my legs over him. that's how married couples are!  

Answer 13

I'm in the same situation as you.  I know how it feels inside.  For me, it makes me feel worthless, unattractive, guilty, and all around crappy.  He accuses me of standing in his way.  Just the other day, I was walking down the hallway and he was coming from the other direction, so I shifted to the side (plenty of room for two people walking side by side in the hallway) and he brushed past me and gave me a look.  I might as well have stretched out my arms and blocked his way.

This is how it starts.  I can see it coming.  I'm aware of my situation and I don't care.  I worked with abused women and children for years and years.  It starts out the way you describe.  Once you start accepting things, then it gets worse.  He starts telling you that you are lazy and fat.  Regardless of how clean the house is.  Regardless that you worked a full day, made his dinner and did the laundry.  Regardless that you did the gardening, grocery shopping and paid the bills...  The second you sit down to watch television or read, he will tell you that you are lazy.  He'll make comments about how you don't take care of yourself.  You'll start to believe that he's right.  You'll believe that you HAVE put on a few pounds.  You'll believe that you ARE lazy.    Once he's gotten you emotionally naked, then he'll start nudging.  Nudging becomes pushing.  Pushing becomes slapping.  Slapping becomes punching.  Next thing you know, you are in the hospital with three broken ribs and a metal plate in your face.  I've seen it happen hundred's of times.

So, I share your situation now.  The little things.  My husband does the foot touching thing.  The middle of the bed thing.  Heaven forbid I want to take a shower in the morning, he accuses me of hogging the bathroom.  He says I breathe too loud when I sleep.  Not snoring, no.  I BREATHE.  Gee, sorry.  He snores, by the way.  So.  Here's what I do.  When he starts to pick on me,  say, "Fine.  You want space?  Have some."  Then I go lock myself in the spare bedroom and read.  He can have the house all to himself.  Of course, I am perfectly happy to hang out in there with the cats and read.  It's quite nice.  Eventually, he snaps out of his funk.  There's all sorts of excuses I could make for him.  He works 16 hours a day.  Blah, blah, blah.  Well, it's no excuse to be snappy with me.  So, when he starts getting snappy, I give him his space and go do my own thing.  

I don't have any advice for you.  I can barely keep a grip on my own sanity.  I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.  It's not like you can talk to your friends or mother about it.  It's embarrassing to tell someone that your husband acts like you smell bad.  It's very hurtful.  When I think about some of the aspects of my own relationship, it makes me tear up.  I just wanted to let your know that you are not alone.  I found some comfort in your question, so I hope you find some comfort in my answer.

Answer 14

if anyone needs counseling it's him, he sounds like he does have OCD and needs some meds to help his weird self!

Answer 15

To me, it sounds like he is a little over-possessive. He wants to have control over you and how you handle yourself. Has anything extreme happened lately? I don't feel you are being ridiculous at all, especially when you are not doing anything. How long have you been married?

Answer 16

It sounds like he needs some counseling and has some issues that need to be addressed.

All marriages need some alone time, but he takes to the extreme and in different areas.  My goodness, go on a girls weekend or guys weekend.

Answer 17

Well I think it depends on exactly how he is saying thee things and what else is going on.  My husband and I enjoy our own space too.  Because we are newlyweds we have his old bed...a full.  We often joking push the other towards their side to get more room or tease each other about it.  There are times we both want our own space (especially after a good...but sweaty, workout).  Most of the time we are very loving towards one another, we have not children so we are often sitting close or on the same chair and there loving, caring and compassionate s*x.  But if he is doing these things out of hate and has no humorous intent and there is not loving,. caring and compassionate s*x going on...I would be seeking a counselor as well.

Answer 18

The behavior you have described sounds more like siblings who have to share a room instead of a married couple.  Very strange.  It must be terribly confusing to you.

Listen to your therapist -- your husband sounds like he has some serious emotional problems and he very likely is emotionally abusing you.

Answer 19

He sounds like he has control issues or OCD.  Next time he comes on to you - tell him you need your space.  Maybe he doesn't think his behavior is cruel?  Keep going to your conselor.  Good luck.  

Answer 20

I think that your husband just needs some space (at times) just like alot of people do especially at night when they're tired.

Here's a tip. Start giving him some space and you will see that immediately he will take notice and wonder why you are so far away from him.

Once I asked my wife why was she hogging the bed and she said only because she wanted to be near me. Well,  I never forgot that answer. I consider myself lucky that she wants to be near me than her being cold to me. Good luck.

Answer 21

Your husband is a DRAMA QUEEN!!! He is acting immaturely, over the top. I think that he might bring things up because he wants to pick a fight, that's not cool. I just don't think I can put up with something like this.. If your therapist suggested his actions being emotionally abusive then she is more than likely correct and you should point that out to him!

Suggestion: Maybe you should start doing the same thing he does so he can get a taste of his own medicine and hopefully stop with his childish act!

Answer 22

Control freak...it may be caused by OCD.  He needs help too.

Answer 23

I agree with your therapist....He is being emotionally abusive...at the very least he is a nut case...

Answer 24

He might need some counseling too, and couple sessions wouldn't hurt