Does this paragraph sound ok?

Question

What you first noticed was their faces; long, grisly faces with sharp jaw lines and dark eyes as dull as the growing dusk. Most of their upper body was guarded by a sheild, the glint of steel and bronze sparkling from the emblem in the center. Proud chins stuck out visably from the edge of gleaming visors. And here, which was the only part of them exposed to the desert air, scales were a bright vivid green.

ahem, we are talking about lizards here

Answer 1

sounds like a poem

Answer 2

um. well, one thing that stands out is that throughout the paragraph you are talking plural (i.e. their faces, sharp jaw lines, chins, etc) but then you refer to "their upper body"...do they all have the same body?  Since everything else is plural, you need to change that to. "Most of their upper bodies were...etc.

In that same vein, I think your first sentence should be, "What you first noticed were their faces" as you should keep everything plural.

Also, you can't start your last sentence, "And here....  At the very least, you need a semicolon between gleaming visors; and here....

I don't know if you wanted correction of your grammatical errors or if you are just looking for ideas for your prose.  Your descriptive content is fine.

Answer 3

I would change the last sentence to:

"Proud chins stuck out visibly from the edge of gleaming visors and their scales, which were the only part of them exposed to the desert sun, were a bright, vivid green.

Answer 4

That's about a lizard? Wow, I thought it was a description of some fantasy species you created.  And no, I'm not being sarcastic.  That description was better then anything I've written in a long time.

The only thing that annoyed me was the "Most of their upper body was guarded by a sheild, the glint of steel and bronze sparkling from the emblem in the center."  First shield, not sheild. Second, I don't like the "shield, the glint of steel...".  It just doesn't "flow" right.  

I'd attempt to correct it more but all I can come up with is "...guarded by a shield which had the glint of steel and bronze...".  Which isn't much better, in my opinion.  

Answer 5

Sounds great! I love the imagery and the colors. It's really easy to see the picture you've set up.

However, I had to keep reading the second sentence over and over again. I think that could be written better. At first I wanted to put a semicolon there, but didn't like two sentences in a row with a semicolon. Then I realized a semicolon wouldn't work anyway since the latter half isn't a complete sentence. Perhaps you can do without "the glint of" and just say "...guarded by a shield, steel and bronze sparkling..." ...I'm not sure if I like that. But anyway, strongly consider revising that second sentence.

Also... consistent plurals? If that makes any sense. I dunno if it should be "were their faces," "upper bodies were guarded," etc etc??

But otherwise I really like it. ^_^