Does this poem do the trick? ?

Question

I wrote this poem for a guy I like. His name is Daniel. I just wrote this the other day. It's called Try. Tell me what you think!

I like you.

I’m not going to lie.

I’ll ask you flat out.

Do you want to try?

To you, I’m like a ghost.

Noticed by the teachers at most.

To me, I’m like a vampire.

Not craving your blood, but your affection.

I wanna try.

Do you want to try too?

If yes, cool.

I’ll see you ‘round school.

If you don’t want to try,

At least I was honest

And I might cry

But I won’t die.

It all depends.

Do you want to try?

I’ve known you for a long time.

Liked you for a while.

Now I have the courage.

I’ve gone an extra mile.

E-mail or call

And try not to stall.

But take your time.

And remember this: I want you to be mine.

I'll admit, it's not the best thing in the world, but seeing as I'm trying to start a career in writing, I need some help. So please give good criticism. Nothing that'll crush my 8th grade self. Thanks! :)

Answer 1

Well its good but you should repeat do you want to try at the end of each stanza. And I would rethink the vampire thing if your gonna give it to someone you like.

Answer 2

no i don,t known...................................... ......that's a  Liamm message.

Answer 3

Quite honestly, I don't think it is good to bias our comments with telling us your grade. When I post poems for criticism and comments I don't say my age or gender (especially since I am interested in a writing career as well) because I want the real answer ; not the watered down version for my age. I also don't post a picture because even I tend to be biased when I see display pictures sometimes. People probably wouldn't take me as seriously if I posted my age or grade on a question.  

Answer 4

w.e dont listen to dat guy

if he didnt like it then he should have not

said nothing at all..

i think your poem is pretty gud..

Answer 5

I say any non-gory vampire reference takes skill

A+++++

Better than me in 8th grade :)

Answer 6

I think it's great and it comes from your heart and soul and if i was Danial i would be so happy and excited to get a great poem from a great girl...keep writing as your good.

Answer 7

You sound desperate and if you e-mailed me with this nonsense i would delete it as soon as i could.