Does this poem need improvement?

Question

Does it show good imagery?, what should i do to improve it.

"Stained by a this colorless blood that ripples so crudely across these cold and acidic eyes they begin to view portions of a stilled and distorted actuality. Where daily life is bemused by the tedious repetition of the lone insomniac accursed with his anesthetic mind. Contempt with the burial of his sanity the hollow groans of these fallen mortals are sealed away. In hope that their slumbering hearts may some day awaken with clarity to the broaden expanse of their blank framework."

Answer 1

I'd like to see the actual structure of this poem before I pronounced judgment on it - unless you actually wrote this in paragraph format, in which case, I'd say that you need to think about formatting it differently, because this is too verbose and compact.

Also, I feel like you are using too many dramatic words to get across a point that could be made more simplistically. As far as I'm concerned (and this is just my opinion, of course), the number one rule of poetry should be SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. Not "say what is pretty", not "say what is profound" - say what you mean. Don't use "magnanimous" when you mean "kind". There is a subtle difference between the two.  

Answer 2

Here is a link to some poetic forms.  They will help you - present your poetry - in a form - easy to read and understand ♥

http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wi...

Answer 3

Poems are very subjective, friend.

If you feel it truly expresses the image you wish it to portray, you have been successful.

As well, your poetry skills will only begin to improve through self-criticism and self-analysis. It is through the continuous writing of poetry that you will find your own personal niche, and along with that a more whole self-acceptance.

That being said, it is a very good poem.

My only criticism is to set it up in a more visual dramatic appearance.

Sort of like, this paragraph has been.

With a variety of: punctuation, dramatic pauses, etc.

Best of luck.

P.S. Reading other poetry helps a lot too!