Does this rewrite seem better?

Question

Read the original I wrote http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuoAp13G0xR4ALUi1_zrnyPsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080814143802AA5EuO4

Now here is the rewrite

I stared at their cold lifeless bodies for some time, expecting some sort of sign. But their eyes did’t stare back in that soft loving way that parents’ eyes could easily do, no, their eyes stared blankly into the black nothingness. It felt like my heart had been ripped out and thrown into a wood chipper. A warm salty tear trickled down my face and dripped onto my mother’s delicate fleshy tan skin. My knees buckled and I fell beside them in tears with my lips quivering and my entire body shaking like an earthquake. I dug my face into my hands, sobbing uncontrollably. Every harsh breath singed my throat, and made my stomach feel hollow. I looked up from my tear soaked hands and with my blurry eyes I stared at the faces of my parents and recalled all the pleasant memories. There was one specific memory I recalled. It was when I was nine years old and really wanted this ocean blue ten-speed mountain bike, but I never asked for it since I knew we could’t afford it. I swear, my eyes would light up like fireworks every time I saw it in the store. One day my parents caught gawking at it and they asked if I wanted it, but I lied and said no. Then about a week later when I came home from school and went into my room there it was, the cool ocean blue mountain bike sitting up in my room. I’d dreamed about it for so long, it was actually here! I jumped up and down hysterically, then I ran to my mother and father in the living room and gave them gigantic hugs and wet kisses. I’m not sure if either of them saw the way my eyes sparkled when I saw the bike but, when I went to hug them both I saw, for a brief moment; their eyes, bathed in a bright glow of happiness. I would never again have a moment like that.

Constructive criticism only. Thanks.

Answer 1

why not you do a little more of showing and not telling. Or using similes. Like instead of saying the word "Hug" which you used. Say, "wrapped my arms around his bulky body" i do like your use of detail. But try to minimize it just a tad. Too much detail can confuse the reader.  

Answer 2

I think you did hit the reader deep down. I felt sorry for him even though I'm not quite sure what happened to his parents. And I agree with the person above me there are too many words in 'my mother's delicate fleshy tan skin'. I think delicate skin will do just fine.

Did't and could't' is spelled didn't and couldn't - I'm not sure if that was a typo or not. Other than that, I wouldn't change much of it. I liked the memory and I wouldn't take it out but maybe you could describe more of what happened to his parents after he's done reminiscing?

Oh right, they were murdered (I just read your original). Maybe after the memory, you could have him shout angrily or just curse out loud. I think that might make the scene more powerful.

Answer 3

well before it was underdescripted, now its over done

for ex: "mother’s delicate fleshy tan skin" too many words there. maybe take out fleshy and tan

also "I looked up from my tear soaked hands and with my blurry eyes..." bit too much there

its good, but it doesnt hit the reader deep down. keep tryng and keep up the good work! its definetly better!

Answer 4

i really think so its so good please pick me the best answer cause i was only picked 1 time thanks

Answer 5

I like the beginning better than the first time.  It really captures the realization of the character of what he did.  But there still is a few things to work on.  Instead of "their eyes stared blankly into the black nothingness," try "for the first time in my life, their eyes did not recognize my pain."  I think that this will fix the wordiness but still evoke the same emotions.  I also think that the memory distracts from the scene.  Instead either try to sum it up in a couple of sentences, like "and recalled the pleasant memories, like the time they bought me a mountain bike they couldn't afford."  You can bring it back to the present the way you did a bit smoother if you said something like, "Their eyes lit up when they saw the joy on my face.  I then realized their eyes would never light up again, because of me.  Personally, I would get rid of the memory, but if you're attached to the idea, I hope my advice helped:).  One other suggestion.  If the memory is critical to the story, you might be able to put it in someplace else.  I really hope this helped!

Answer 6

Wow! That is really good. I wouldn't improve anything and it really makes me feel sorry for that kid even though I know it is fiction. What is the title going to be. I might buy this book.