Does this sound like a disorder or just a lot of strange qualities?

Question

There is a lot of problems, maybe separate quirks or disorders... anyways, sorry for the length and good luck figuring this one out!

I used to be afraid of being touched, literally jumping into the air if someone poked me, even if it was a close friend and I expected it. I have always been a loner in the past and was the made fun of kid. I still prefer to keep everything to myself and do everything by myself, and I am my own worst critique. I don't care what anyone thinks, it is my own judgment I must pass, and I am a very picky judge. I lose my vision occasionally for a few seconds at a time and walk around not being able to see a thing (no one notices because I've learned to play it off decently and continue to talk to them). I panic sometimes for no reason, and feel like I am freezing or going to die or a heart attack, but I know it happens often (used to be every day, now only a coupe times a week) and I will be fine. When I panic, I always cry continuously for between 20 min and 3 hours, but I always make sure I am alone and no one can hear or see me so they don't worry. During this time I often think about suicide or running away (I am 19 living at home) but I do not take action because I promised myself I would never commit suicide because it would make friends and family unhappy, plus it is a waste of a life that can be fixed. I can also get extremely happy and hyper, with a surge of adventure and a love and passion for everything, but this can change quickly usually based on how others around me feel. I get very angry about small things and the word sorry means nothing to me when I am mad. I sometimes make big decisions when I am mad, like quitting my last job and breaking up with my boyfriend both regret later (when I apologized he took me back). I don't react to major things. If I am in a lot of pain I couldn't care less. I sometimes purposely cause myself physical pain to take my mind off things. If someone I am close to is in any pain, I feel it myself and end up experiencing the same thing, sometimes worse then the person with the actually sickness or pain. I don't have my license because I am terrible with directions and can’t play 3d games because my spatial skills suck. I get bored of tasks easily and have to be doing a million things at once, and I can never make up my mind what I want. A few times I have thought I've lost things only to realize I was looking right at them the whole time. (Example, looking for my shoes that I had been wearing for a year for half hour- my mum pointed them out and I was surprised to find out those were my shoes and not someone else’s.). When I try to read or pay attention in class, my attention doesn't last more then a minute unless I have had a lot of caffeine and strongly force myself to pay attention. The reason I pass my classes is because I buy a lot of caffeine right before my exams, drink it and force myself to read until I have read all the requited chapters, and my lecture notes which are just the PowerPoint slides the professors have posted because I go to all my classes and don’t hear a word of them. When I was younger, teachers tried to stream me into a special learning class (I was always staring off into space and sometimes didn't notice anyone was talking to me) but my mum took me out of it and decided to give me extra help at home. Learning the piano improved my attention, but not by enough to get through University without a ton of coffee and energy drinks. Despite my inattention, I love 3d puzzles and will not put them down until they are solved, I love to be intellectually challenged, and I am a supervisor at work who does the paperwork, payroll, and directs orders for the shift. I am very bad in groups of people or crowds and unless I know the people well I will often run off to a quiet place.

I used to distrust everyone, especially guys, but now I do have a boyfriend of 3 and half years who I love very much and trust with my life. He worries about me though when I freak out. Despite what I want, I would rather make others happy, but my boyfriend asks again and again and waits to hear what it is I would like to do instead of picking what he would like. He figures it is because I don't normally get to make decisions at home and he wants me to start doing what I would like rather than what others would like.

I am a psychology student, but can’t pinpoint these things about me to one particular disorder, it seems like many. I can’t get professional help because I am terrible talking to strangers and am too nervous to say anything without breaking down, and I will not let anyone see me break down. What do you think the problem sounds like to you?

Answer 1

It sounds like you may have more than one thing going on. Sounds like you have a form of panic/anxiety disorder. I have panic as well so I know how you feel. What you're describing sounds very familiar.

I thin kmore importantly that you need to contact your doctor or a counselor. it doesn't matter if you cry. I did. When I first went to a session, I cried all the time. But they're used to that. Don't be ashamed of it. You need to get the professional help because they are the only ones who are certified to find out what is going on and how to treat you to help you get better. The doc is your answer. I know it's scary and you ahve your reasons for not wanting to open up to a doctor but...it is the only way to find out what is happening to you. If you really want to find out and find out what you can do about it, you'll talk to your doctor. They have seen it all so someone who is nervous and not comfortable and may break down in front of them is nothing new or unusual. You need to do this. Once you find out what's going on, you will feel SO much better.....I know I did.

Answer 2

you definietly sound bipolar and to have attention problems and anxiety.  

Answer 3

Possible diagnoses

Axis I: Panic disorder without agoraphobia, ADHD

Axis II: Borderline personality disorder, schizoid personality traits

About your vision loss (amaurosis fugax), it is most probably psychogenic, though it would not be unheard of if multiple sclerosis were causing this together with the mood swings and lack of concentration. You should get it checked out to be on the safe side.

Answer 4

i was reading your question & it sounded like you read the bipolar traits right off a website & then personalized it to your own life, lol.(you shouldn't have used all of them)but no seriously,it's bipolar.i should know.; ) im not bloody loony like i use to be though.you just know when your bipolar.the word is extreme irrationality.oh & btw since you mentioned your a psychology student, chances are you could just be experiencing a minor shift in personality.that happens to some people studying mental disorders.they believe they have problems that they really don't.anyway bipolars no walk in the park.have fun with that one.

Answer 5

Sounds like bipolar to me. There is medication to help you with this. As far a not wanting people to touch you that is probably a personal choice. The depression and then extreme happiness sounds like bipolar.  

Answer 6

You would probably know more than I would, but when I first stared reading, I was thinking Asperger's but it may be because I've been reading a lot about it lately. The being alone, picked on kid, not liking to be touched could all be symptoms, right? Could the panic attacks be a form of a "meltdown"?

Then I read more and considered depression, manic depression, ADHD, social anxiety disorder.

Some of it could be just a normal part of who you are. Being bad with directions, looking right at something and not really seeing it--I think everyone does that at times.

Please, please see someone about this. Could you take your boyfriend or a family member with you? Do they allow that? Maybe it would help to have someone you know and trust there the first time, or first few times. Good luck and I hope you do get evaluated and any treatment you might need.

Answer 7

Since you are a psych student, and have recognized all of these characteristics in yourself, you also must know that this an opportunity to get better by receiving a doctor's attention.

Please, go in, talk it through, take this posting with you, or even email it prior to your first visit.  It says a LOT!

Hurry please.  You really can't afford to miss another day of life while you feel like this.