Question:

Does this sound like a good start to a story?

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He opens the door with out making a sound. With his hands tightly gripping the cold handle of the knife, he sneaks into the room as quietly as a black cat. Slowly Luc inches closer to the bed. He stops; breaths in the musky air around him; lets it tingle every fibre in his body.

He watches them sleep, watches them draw in their last few breaths.

He holds up the knife. Draws it closer. Closer. Closer. Stab. Skewers the knife right into her stomach.

He smirks at the look of shock on her face. He doesn’t even give her a chance to scream. He takes the knife slowly out of her, wipes it clean on the immaculate bed sheets; prepares it or its next penetration. Her husband is lying next to her. He has to die as well. Luc wasn’t going to let him go. He just takes one look at his smug face, and that’s all he needs to enrage the anger. He can’t hold it in. Stab. Stab. Stab.

Luc goes into the kitchen, makes himself a pastrami sandwich, and creeps out just as he had came in.

The couple didn’t know who Luc was; nor had they ever encountered him. But Luc despised them regardless. He had been watching them for a while; day in, day out. He knows all their comings and goings. Most of all, he knows how happy they were. That was the problem.

***

Luc came home from work. He found his beautiful wife at the kitchen cooking one of his favourite meals. When she saw him, her eyes lit up, she ran up to him and gave him a big hug. He lifted her up, and spun her around in a circle. God, he loved her so much; every bit of her. The flowery smell of her soft, brunette hair; the feel of her ever so smooth skin, and the way she kissed him with such intensity. All he cared about was making her happy and spending the rest of his life with her. Nothing else mattered.

***

In front of the Diamond apartment block, there was the Coffee club, Luc’s haven and ultimate place to relax. As he draws his handkerchief closer to breathe in the strong turpentine smell, he reads the newspaper. An article titled “Young Couple Mysteriously Murdered” catches his eye. He smirks as he reads it, especially at Inspector Reynolds’ comment:

“We have no leads on the murderer. We are inclined to speculate that perhaps it was the husband who killed his wife and himself. The weapon was found in the husband’s hand. There will be further investigation in this matter.”

Everything was going to plan. And so it should. Luc was no amateur. He knows how to sidestep the police; it was more of a game to him than a precaution.

Luc looked at his watch. 4:00pm exactly. He slowly turns his head up and sees her coming out of her apartment. Right on time he thinks to himself. His eyes stay one step ahead of her perfect, slender body; he knows where she is headed.

He inspires the essence of turpentine on handkerchief as he watches her cross the road and hail a taxi. She gets in, he’s not far behind.

**************************************...

I have to emphasise that this is only the start to about something that is goint to be three times as long.

Please give me your thoughts...be as critical as you like....

Please help me if you can.

Thank you.

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10 ANSWERS


  1. That is an amazing story, so far.

    I was intrigued by everything and I'm reading this on the internet.

    You could keep the sandwich in the story, it's like his return to normalcy.

    If you decide to make this book, it will be a guaranteed best seller.

    Hope to hear or read some more.


  2. Wow, that's excellent. I'm eager to read more. Keep up the good work, hope it works out well for you.

  3. I think it's creative and interesting. Can you return the favor and read mine too.http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

    One thing though

    The first line doesn't catch me enough.

  4. Eh. It's not the worst beginning of a story of a story I've ever read, (and believe me, I have read MANY bad beginnings, including my own), but I'm just not particularly *interested*.

    The mood just isn't... tense enough. A murder scene should have me on the edge of my seat, but your diction and syntax fell flat of creating the right mood.

    I also see no motivation in Luc besides insanity thus far, and while insanity can be compelling, you aren't experienced enough yet to pull it off.

    However, I did find the pastrami sandwich interesting. It's a strange quirk in Luc's behavior and I'd like to know the reason behind it.  

  5. i think it was GREAT!

    absolutely great. and i think if you're

    going to tie the sandwich thing in later,

    then it should be fine now. :)

    and thank you for answering my Q.

    (:

  6. Yes, I did like it. I would only make a few suggestions.

    a.) Unless this was your plan all along, I wouldn't have Luc suddenly eat a sandwich. It doesn't flow with the rest of the mood. You set a very tense mood, but it gets destroyed when Luc suddenly makes himself food. Plus, wouldn't the fingerprints trace back to him?

    b.) I know this is only a typo, but just make sure you say "Luc looks at his watch. 4:00 P.M. exactly."

    c.) "Everything was going to plan" should be "Everything is going to plan."

    Other than that, I really liked it! Good job!

  7. Definitely needs more detail - both the killer and the reader are particularly apathetic to the murder. I'm just not invested in it. Make the reader feel what your character is feeling. Everything is just so blunt, it needs detail to break up the 'he did this...' 'he did that...' feel of the piece.

    Remember, the 'show not tell' rule. Just saying what he feels instead of showing it puts a wall between the reader and the character.

    Both "stab," and "closer" feel like they are more like actions in a script than part of a writing piece. There are times when it is appropriate to just use the action, but this isn't really it.

    You use the passive voice instead of the active a few times. "With his hands tightly..."

    Take a look at this:

    http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/g...

  8. Wow! that is really good give yourself a round of applause.

  9. I LOVE it, Awsome. Amazing, Spectacular! It really kept me reading. and no. Dont get rid of the sandwich, it kinda puts a mystery into the story :P

    Good Luck in the writing buisness! :)

  10. whoa,

    amazing!!!

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