Does this sound okay *stressing*?

Question

For Drama class, I have to write a 'diary entry/monologue' like story of what would be going through my head and what would happen if my home country (Australia) was kicking me out because I was a refugee, I need to know if this sounds alright? Please help, (im in year 10)

Answer 1

Hey Lou.  I think you need to do a bit of research.  How old are you in this story.  They can't take you away from your parents if you're under age.  Also, I'm not sure they'd put a bag over your head.  Why?  In the end, I think you were using too many metaphores.  Bird without a beak....etc.  Also, I think you should say more about the reaction of the ones you were leaving behind in the beginning.  Wouldn't they be screaming something or banging on the window or ....?  I think what would be going through my head would also be about what was going to happen to me next.  How would I survive?  Also, I think it would be good to stress the point that suddenly you realised what was important to you.  You touched on it when you talked about fighting with your sister.  It's a good job - it's easier to criticise than write!

Answer 2

Very good! Nice to see something well written and spelled properly, for a change!

Answer 3

yeah, it was good. A+

Answer 4

the last paragraph is absolutley brilliant! they rest of it was pretty good too, but that was the part that really stood out.