Does this statement or quote make sense?

Question

"...the rich stars dazzle with luminostiy in the depth of the sky to reveal their true identity...." (by me )

i love poetry, but im not shure if this is a well written statement or quote!

help

Answer 1

Well, technically it's okay.

Aesthetically, maybe not so much. How about putting "in the depth of the [adjective] sky," first. Modifying "stars" with "rich" could be poetic license, but to me it just doesn't mean much. How about "opulent stars" or "lush stars" or "bountiful stars"? "Dazzle with luminosity" is slightly redundant / overwrought; besides, dazzle is usually a transitive verb (who's being dazzled?) so how about "blaze" or "scintillate"? At least, dazzle with radiance.

I think the word "revelation" has more impact than the mundane phrase "to reveal." Identity isn't very evocative either, unless you really do mean the stars' brightness can be used to find out which ones they are. How about, make the structure of the statement like so: "in the depth of the night sky, the lush stars are blazing in a [dazzling?] revelation of the universe."

Well, that's just an idea of how you could change it up. I'm not claiming it's any better than what you wrote =)

Answer 2

Firstly, my answer is better than the others because they've compared you to their own ideas of the best style, criticised you in an unhelpful fashion, and made suggestions which distort majorly from the sentence you've given.

It does make sense, however it's not very well written in my opinion.

Here are some alternatives...

"...to reveal their true identity, the rich stars dazzle with luminosity in the depth of the sky..."

or maybe like this

"...the rich stars dazzle with luminosity in the depth of the sky, revealing their true identity..."

or like this

"...in the depth of the sky, the rich stars reveal their true identity with their dazzling luminosity..."

if it is part of a poem, obviously the style of poem will affect how you want the line to read. In poetic prose, i'm a fan of using commas...

"...the rich stars, in the depth of the sky, with dazzling luminosity their true identities are revealed..."

As you can see, there are always many ways to rearrange language. Hope I've helped

XS

Answer 3

Hi, it is a little cliche in my opinion.  You could say something more along the lines of, "as the night grows darker, the luminous stars reveal their true identity in the depth of the sky."  I think the dazzling part is uninteresting because it is not an original way of describing stars.  Your concept is very nice.

Answer 4

If you like it,leave it.Poetry is not about correctness,grammar etc..It's about how you feel or perceive something.Sounds just fine to me.