Does this work... how I did it?

Question

Trial of Sight

Part Thirteen

She wakes up in a place she knows

scent of herb overwhelms her

a sense of healing setting in

the soft hum of a well known voice,

again, her lullaby

“My little Caroline Crimson,”

song breaks, welcoming her to light

Luminescence of the heart

sight still dark and bare

Realizing that she is blind

She asks,

“Who are you mother?”

She can feel a smile and tear

from this gentle healer

Her savior and guardian

Her loving grandmother

-and I hope the plot thickens here… I am afraid that after this time of comfort I will not be able to throw her into darkness and suspense, as is necessary… but I will try…

Blessed Be in Love, Light and grandmas’ milk and cookies, Siren

Answer 1

The plot thickens, this does work. You've created a healing atmosphere, not only with your words, but with the feel of the poems. I know what people way, that words create feeling, not necessarily true. There is a lot of the Siren essence in this one, desperation with the want to heal.

Answer 2

Siren In Shade,

This is exquisite reading! You are giving away too much of the muse and her struggles. I must read 1 - 12 to see how you arrived at this chapter. I'll take about a dozen of them cookies, partner!  Grade AAA+++

Answer 3

love the imagery, "scent of herb" kind of caught me up, it didn't flow as well, perhaps specific kind of herb like rosemary or something.... but its your writing. Love it though.

Answer 4

I like the introduction, you use some good imagery and included a nice quote as well. All in all a very loving poem, but I think if you left it to the reader to figure out the protagonist was blind instead of coming out and saying it that it would be a more compelling poem.

There are many websites you can go to where you can work on your writing, and have your work critiqued. Keep writing! Here is a few:

Answer 5

This is quite lovely.  "Luminescence of the heart" has beauty and insight. This series has been thrilling but this is a welcome respite for the time being. You do, in your comments, portend black clouds on the horizon and a new cycle of suspense.  Your Muse seems to be on fire with inspiration.  Again, I will anticipate the next.  Thank you.

Answer 6

Herbal bouquets, healing, soft hum, familiar voice, lullaby, song, welcoming, luminescence, smile, gentle, savior, guardian, and last, grandmother. Well, you certainly have broken that tension, calmed those fears and allayed the anxiety. But have you? Remember the scene in "Fatal Attraction" when Michael Douglas is finally safe after having drowned Glenn Close in the tub? And then after an improbably long time she rises up, very much alive and dangerous. I'm waiting for something like that to happen here.