Does your teenage daughter scare you, too?

Question

I have a 15 year old daughter, she's not a terror, but a typical girl that could already be having s*x, I don’t know, she isn’t going to tell me. (Yes, I've asked) I have run this through in my mind over and over...what would be the right thing to do if she should get pregnant? I have put her on birth control to prevent it "just in case" which I am afraid just gave her a green light to do it, but why take the chance, you know? She knows all the dangers of disease, not to mention the effect it could have on her self esteem, etc. We've had countless talks about this.

My daughter and I are both pro-life (please, no arguments, you have absolutely no chance of persuading me to the other side). We watched "Juno" together a few weeks ago, and I told her that making a childless couple very happy was the right thing to do in my opinion, and immediately she spouted off with "No way, I would keep my baby...you couldn’t do anything about it"

She doesnt live with me, she chooses to live with her father in a town about an hour away. I see her every Saturday, and what I see is a father that will not put his foot down. God knows what she does on the weekends, so you can see my concern.

She always has a way of throwing me stuff that makes me crazy inside, all the while having to act cool, not freak out, not scare her away from conversations. I am constantly feeling like I have missed teaching her something, I have failed to give her proper guidance, failed being a role model...the list goes on. All this piled on the fact she'd rather be with him than with me. This makes me nuts, too.

Now, my questions are...can you make your minor child give a baby up for adoption? At 15, she isn’t even old enough to give consent to s*x. How do you other parents feel about this? What is your "preliminary plan"? I would love to hear from real parents of teenage daughters, please. Your thoughts on this will be appreciated.

Answer 1

Well, if I were you I would be glad that she agreed to go on birth control.  There's only so much you can do, and you're right - it's terrifying.  

Our daughter behaved just like yours - except she refused to accept birth control. Our gentle but frequent reminders about the risks of early s*x only made her shut down and tell us "it's not your problem."  We didn't trust that response, and we tried to maintain some control over when she went out, where, and with whom. We did everything we could short of locking her up. It didn't work  - she's now pregnant, and I think it was intentional. And she still "throws stuff at us that makes us crazy," as you put it. Like saying she's going to move out, refusing to talk to us or her baby's father about her pregnancy and saying "it's my baby, I can do it myself."   Yes, it makes me crazy.

Like your daughter, she won't even consider adoption.  Although we believe that would be the best thing, we also believe that her rights as a mother supercede our rights to force the issue. It would be a terrible thing to do.  What mother of any age would ever get over havinig her baby stolen from her and given to someone else?  What young girl could survive that without permanent emotional damage?  

Like you, I have gone over and over my own relationship with her and wondered if I failed.  But I don't think so.  At this age, if they decide not to listen to their parents, there are a million ways to get away with it.  And some very good kids do make the wrong choices, for reasons we may never understand.

Don't beat yourself up over this.  Just try to consider the long term. Is she a good person? Does she do well in school?  Does she have friends? Does she have goals for the future?  Does she stay away from drugs and alcohol?  Will she outgrow this stage?  As long as the answers to these questions are "yes," she will probably be OK. Most kids who have done a few "bad" things in high school managed to grow up to be outstanding citizens and good people. Try to keep her focused on her future.  And early s*x seems to be the norm - if you believe the statistics, over 50% of kids do it before their senior year.  I can't imagine how they handle this so young, and I am NOT condoning it, but they seem to have different attitudes about it than we did.  Many do handle it OK.  But if you think she isn't handling her life well right now, try to talk her into getting counseling.  I wish I had been able to get my daughter to go.

We parents tend to think there's only one right way for kids to grow up - they should finish school, find a good job, find the right partner, get married, and THEN start a family.   Yes, this may be the easiest path and the most likely to lead to financial success in the short term.  But I have come to understand that this is a form of prejudice too.  There are other goals in life besides financial success. With proper support, early motherhood can be worked out and need not permanently harm the mother or the child.  

Like you, I tried to come up with a "preliminary plan," because I saw where my daughter was headed a long time before it happened.  I did everything in my power to talk her out of having s*x and getting pregnant.  But I decided that if I couldn't prevent it, I would support her and her baby for as long as it took for her to finish school and support herself.  When she told me she was pregnant, there was no shock and no agonizing about what to do. She and I and my husband are just trying to carry on from here and be thankful that we still have each other.  We will have a future of one kind or another and it may not be the one that I envisioned for her, but it will be the one she chose.  And this "crisis"  will not last forever, and she WILL grow up and live the life she has made for herself.  As long as we're a part of it, that's all we can ask.

I know this is very hard, but try to stay involved in your daughter's life.  Do things together just for fun.  Have conversations about impersonal things, like politics or fashions or anything.  Let her see that the main topic of your interactions doesn't always have to be her and her life choices. This may or may not make her more willing to open up, but at least you will both see that you can still enjoy each other's company.  Then try not to worry so much.  

Answer 2

i am a 18 year old teenager and i scare my mom. my mom actually found a condom wrapper on my bed in college when she helped me pack for winter break. then **** hit the fan.

haha, but in all seriousness, dont worry. there is really nothing parents can do to stop their children from doing anything. so just relax. if you raised her well, she will know how to take care of herself.

Answer 3

You need trust for your daughter!!

it's not like every 15 year old is THAT irresponsible.

Answer 4

I'm not a mother but I am a 21 year old that once was like your child. I was wild and defiant.. I don't know why, but I was. It is just part of being a teenager. She hears what you say, and she thinks about it.. she just wants you to also realize she is able to make decisions and when it comes down to it, its her decision that matters. I know it's hard to let go a little but you might have to. I got on birth control when I was 16 and had s*x at 16. To this day I don't regret it, I have never been pregnant and I am std free... it does happen.

Answer 5

You seem exactly like my mom.  A very well rounded individual.  You're not doing anything wrong, it's typical for a daughter (especially a daddy's girl like myself) to get away with more and want to be with their father... just because THEY DO get away with more.  You're not doing anything wrong.  I'm 15 years old and my mom has the same scares time and time again.  I do talk to her and we do have these conversations, but she tells me she doesn't expect me to tell her every single aspect of my life...  Just important details in which she can help me with because, she obviously is more experienced (42 years old).  

I'm just hoping you're not the type of mother to follow your daughter around when you've lost trust in her like my mom can do.  She calls me constantly checking up on me where I am and who I'm with.  She tells me it's "because she loves me" and "she doesn't want anything to happen to me"

I believe her, but it just makes me crazy because she doesn't trust me.  Lately I've been doing a lot to show trust...

You can't expect your daughter to come right out with the fact that she may or may not be having s*x (chances are she is if she's with the wrong crowd....) but you have to respect her and that she is a sexual being.  Don't think about children right now, if she knows about s*x safe (even though there is a chance that she might get pregnant...) i wouldn't plan for a child right away.  Most girls are smart and if she's anything like me and has plans for her future, she wouldn't risk it.

I wish you luck! Don't lose too much hair over this :)

Answer 6

Give 'em to her and tell her they're vitamins.....hopefully she'll be none the wiser.

Answer 7

You are far too paranoid.

Why not just assume she knows what she is doing, and treat her with respect?

Answer 8

Every teenage girl scares there parents, i have 3 teenage daughters, 19,17,15,who are my life, my 15year old just gave birth to a gorgeous boy in july, and she is an awesome mom with my help. I would never force abortion or adoption on her, she has a right to say what happens to her baby. She made a mistake,and i dont think she needs to pay for that for the rest of her life by wondering how her baby is. As a parent yourself it is your job to support and stand behind her, if she cant count on her own parents then who can she count on.parenting is not easy it's a live and learn job, all you can do is try and be there for them, trust me they change around the age of 17, become more understanding, they dont always stay that defiant teenager.

Answer 9

technically it would be your baby if she were to get pregnant, because she is just a baby herself who will be the one supporting both of them? You cannot make her give it up but you can sway her decision. Being a teen mother myself she'll cry for a long time but in the end shell thank you for saving her life