Really messed up. without going into the long story (again!) i'll get you up to date, in short I messed up my A levels, spent 4 years at uni in home city and still only managed to get a crappy pass in a diploma where I should have gained the year before a BA Hons, went to travel with hopes of doing the far east but never got passed the west coastal states of India (mostly spending time in a v small city with extended family) and finally come home looking for a job and get offered this great opportunity only to have to turn it down cause the old man wanted me to come home every week and thought I was being unreasonable (now that i've said no to the job, like always, he's turned it back on me saying its my fault like the messed up holiday he poked his nose into and the study where I never got the support I needed despite having listened to him and stayed home).
In my messed up head its all down to my family cause they stress me out so much I go on a freaky rampage (whereas I am normally a very very calm person) and make wrong decisions.
Anyway I am totally down and depressed and want to give up looking for the job I want and fulfill the old mans prophecy of working in a call centre (nothing wrong with it, just bin there done that and don't want to go there again) and then work weekends at the shop so that when my uncle retires in 15 odd years I can officially on paper buy him out but in reality become my dads dog at work too (bad enough having to be at home!) and still having to listen to my uncle about the shop even though its not officially his (keeping respect as he started the legacy).
My folks are not bad people (my uncles much worst than my old man) its just their messed up ideology logic and lack of understanding, listening and reasoning. My bros doing well cause he just ignores everyone in the family but I can't do that cause no one expects anything from him than to get on with his own life yet I'm expected to carry on the business in the future and being my old mans eldest (and sane eldest of the uk joint cause my cousin has mental difficulties) I am also expected to be the family elder and learn all whos who and go to all the functions as the family rep and take care of all the joint family ins and outs. I don't mind doing all this but I fail to see where I am being respected for this. If I do what my brother does I get slammed for turning my back on the family and although I really wouldn't mind leaving my parents its the other family counterparts I don't want to let down. and course I get treated like c12@p anyway doing what they want.
I was thinking of going back to uni but i'm kidding my self if the situation at homes still the same I don't have a leg to stand on and my folks def won't support me at all this time. I can't get the job I want (near where I live anyway) and am not prepared to go further cause I'm also a stubborn git and will not go out of town on the old mans gracious permission and having to be obliged to him (basically he's turned around now and said 'I never said you couldn't go far out of town, your the one that turned down the job, go and apologise to them and see if they'll re-offer or go to london!).
really I'm not peed off with my folks (my old dears a whole different story!). I'm peed off with my self cause I believe like in that quote some guy said that people and things don't make us happy or sad, we choose what makes us happy or sad.
I'm going to have to stop there cause I can ramble on for ages on this I don't even know how you guys can help but any tips on how to deal with this mess and picking my self up would be great.
thanx.
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