Don't get along with Sister-in-Law, what can I do?

Question

My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married in about two years. I don't get along with my future sister-in-law, and we haven't since we met. She is very resentful that although we are the same age, I am thinking about marriage and she cannot get a boyfriend. She is selfish, rude, and disrespectful to me and my boyfriend because he is dating me. I have never done anything to her for her to act this way, in fact I have tried time and time again to be friendly with her, but it has reached a point where I have just stopped trying. She is fake-nice to me to my face but talks about me behind my back with my future mother-in-law (who also doesn't like me for no apparent reason - but that's another story). Maybe it's me, maybe it's not. Either way, I do not wish to have her in my bridal party. My boyfriend wants her to be a bridesmaid. I know that if I don't ask her to be in my party, it will be drama for life. However, I know that if she is a bridesmaid, she will talk about me and complain the whole time and make me miserable on MY day. What can I do?

Answer 1

As much as you wont like it, its best to ask her.  hopefully she will say no.  Or you can do what a lot of my clients have done, a split party.  Guys and girls on either side.  So he has both groomsmen and bride maids on his side and you have the same on your side.  since so many people have closefirends of the opposite s*x.  

Answer 2

Whoa...It must be hard for you huh? Its going to be really tough if you don't ask your sister-in-law in your bridal party let alone to be a bridesmaid on your wedding. Why dont you try to be honest to her? Tell her what you feel about her? maybe you've done something wong to her that you aren't aware?  Either way you dont have a choice...I mean she's your sister-in-law and she have to be in your party, right? Cause if she don't she'll use that as a reason to hate you and who knows, maybe she's gonna make your life miserable after that? I suggest you seek advice from people you trust, you're friends perhaps?

Anyway Patience is the key to success. You just have to be patient to her. And what about you're fiancee? You also have to take his feelings to considerartion. If he wants her to be you're bridesmaid on you're wedding what can you do? just be honest to him and tell him what you feel, maybe things will work out just fine...

Crongatulations by the way...

Answer 3

I love when multiple people -  all hate a person for NO APPARENT REASON.  

If she really is JEALOUS... that's her problem and one of INSECURITY.

If the mother-in-law doesn't like you - you've not done your work.

You have two years to get your act together.  I suggest you start now.

I really, just based on this short paragraph - can tell you have a really bad attitude toward life and others.

Don't complain about this stuff... Fix it.

Answer 4

Stay consistently friendly with her and your FMIL. Then you'll know it's not you, or if it was you, it will one day be a ridiculously long time ago that you could possibly have done anything so heinous.

As far as the bridal party, I have two suggestions:

1) ask her to do a reading, guest book, some other task related to the wedding so she's part of it but not standing up with you, which would seem fake, I agree.

2) if your boyfriend doesn't have an obvious best man like a brother, she could be woman of honor or groomswoman and wear a black dress or dress in the bridesmaid's color but a simpler style and be on HIS side. I've seen this before with opposite s*x attendants --either a woman wanting her brother or man wanting his sister to be man of honor or best woman, or a close friend of the opposite s*x.

If you do this, obviously you wouldn't force your FSIL to plan or go to the bachelor party and it would be nice if she was invited to showers and bachelorettes, though many people I know who've had opposite s*x attendants have simply let them skip the gender-roled events and be emotional support throughout and stand with them on the big day.

Frankly, my MOH caused so much drama surrounding my wedding, and my bridesmaids, while cooperative, was sort of "just not that into it" I should have followed my heart and had my best guy friends as my two attendants. So I would have been the only one up there in a pretty dress. Would that have been a crime?

Oh wait, the flower girl: she was awesome and at the age of six did her job sublimely (she had a special thing where she gave a single white rose to my MIL and put one on an empty chair for my late mother and she was very reverent and cute while doing it, far outshining her 20 year old sister who was MOH).

Ahem. Anyway, sorry for the tangent...

See if your boyfriend would consider having his sister as grooms woman or best woman on his side, then you don't have to put on the facade of having her stand up with you.

Answer 5

scare her, and show who's boss :)

Answer 6

to be honest there isnt much you can do... it is sad to say that some people can not get along with a part of the "inlaw" family but dont fret cause things like this happen and no matter what ya do it wont go the way you want....

a hint is to just be nice... dont snap back or say anything harsh....

with ya mother in law... some of them are just stubborn and they dont accept things easily.... dont let it get to you or let it get between your relationship....

it is your day but it is also your hubbys day... they dont have to be in the bridal party if YOU dont want them there.... ask the people you want and make another roll for you sis in law to do where she doesnt have to be neer you.... this is to minimize the drama....

on your wedding day dont let family problems get in the way... look at the great things that are happening ... like your friends and family having a great time and how great you will look in your dress...  you will be dancing with your man and with your dad and all ya friends so you should be too busy and happy to worry about family c**p...

some ideas for jobs you can get her to do.... guest book person so she make sure that everyone signs it, she can be the person that goes around getting requests for the dj at the reception, you can put her incharge of writing down who gave you presents for your thankyou notes later on.

these things are just a few things that wont involve talking to you so that way she is busy and wont bug ya lol

smile hun YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!! just enjoy yourself and think yourself lucky to be having this experience!

good luck

Answer 7

Just have her as a bridesmaid and have a talk with her.Why is she like that with you,ask her.You guys are going to be sisters,so you all need to start acting like it.

Answer 8

Have a family meeting between your family and your boyfriend's. Call her out and ask her if she has anything against you.

or

I noticed that you said she was being disrespectful to you and your boyfriend, I guess this means he knows, right? If he knows how she is, just tell him that you think she'll ruin the wedding. Honesty is the best quality.  

Answer 9

This is a very common thing. Honestly speaking what you need to do is sit down and talk to them or it's not going to change let them know how you feel. Keep your cool

Answer 10

just  be  nice

Answer 11

Relax a bit, and think it over calmly.  You have a year or two to work out a  peace agreement.  Time spent working on this relationship will be time well spent!  Relationships with in-laws, all of them, can be improved when a decision is made to respect and appreciate eachother--not love or spend time together, you may not be a friendship match.

I say this because I didn't like my future mother-in-law, I saw her as a door mat for her husband.  Over the course of a year, I grew to love her and can honestly say that I call her MOM, with more respect and affection than any other person in this world.  That is still true--almost 30 years after my divorce!

Answer 12

hit her

Answer 13

you are not married your sister in law, i have had mine for 40years bad time, good times, befor my dad died i grab her by the neck and thought real hard about not letting go, but my brother loves her, thay were meet for each other, he would be lost without her, smile, talk about her behind her back, but remember  he loves her,

Answer 14

I know exactly how you feeli. When I married my first husband, my ex SIL was the same way. She was happy no matter what happened in her life. It made it worse when her brother and I decided we wanted to get married. After some thought and consideration on my ex husband's part, I decided to make her a bridesmaid. Big mistake! She complained, talk about me to everyone who would listen, and when the wedding came along, she made it all about her (or at least tried). After everything was said and done and even up until our marriage disolved, she still talked about me no matter how nice I was.

Basically, what I am trying to get at is that she will never be happy no matter what you do. It sounds like there will be nothing you can do or say to make her like you. Don't ask her to be in the wedding because you feel obligated. She will never change even if she is in the wedding. This is your day and you need to chose who you would like to stand up for you because those are the people who are special in your heart and that you know will support you. Good luck!

Answer 15

I have a rather nasty sister-in-law (she married my brother though). Your wedding wouldn't be for two years - so if you really just try to keep away from her for now so that the situation doesn't get worse, then maybe she'll be more relaxed and mature when the time does come.

I personally think that the bride should have her friends as bridesmaids, and the groom should have his as groomsmen. Your marriage is a unity of two families or "clans" (where your clan is your family and friends) - and I don't see the need to include his sister in yours. I didn't have my husband's sister as a bridesmaid and it was no problem - and my sister-in-law didn't have me or my other sisters as bridesmaids. Talk to your boyfriend to try and resolve this before you become one big (un)happy family.

Answer 16

My brother married this chick about...15 years ago.  I was young, still in high school when they got married.  I HATED HER then, and sad to say still do to this day.  SHE TOO is fake and talks c**p about my entire family behind our backs.  She is so nice to our face.  She has no family, they all want nothing to do with her, because of how she is.  She has no friends because she has pulled this same c**p with them.  My brother knows how she is, and still stays.  b*****s constantly but still stays!  When I had my wedding she went all fake crying to MY Mom that she was not in the wedding.  My Mom knows how she is but just wants to make peace so begged me to put her in it.  I PUT HER SERVING THE CAKE!  She knows I can't stand her.  This isn't the most mature thing to do but... My Mom wants peace, so she turns her head to the things she does.  She refuses to talk bad about her because my Mom is more graceful than that.  So since I have not been able to get along with her, and every time I am with her I have to bit my tongue, I stopped talking to her.  If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.  If she ask me a question I answer it but with this girl there is no talking and working it out.  She lies and thinks the world is out to her her so that is what I have done.  It's been 2 years of not talking and although she is even more upset that I am not talking to her, I have found my peace!  I feel like since I can't tell her off (because of mom) I can at least let her know I will not take her c**p!

Hope my story helps or at least lets you see what is in store for you in the long run.  I would try to make an effort with his Mother though.  Your life will be so much easier if you two can get along!  

Answer 17

dont' focus on her so much. sit down and talk to your boyfriend, tell him your concerns. let him know you really don't want her as your bridesmaid. after all, it is your wedding  as well and you should be able to pick who you want. if you really don't want her then don't. don't just give in with out talking about it first. if she creates drama for life, thats her stuff, not yours. you have a choice to take on her stuff or leave it. she's the one thats having the ill feelings, you can be the duck and let it roll off your back. if she's having ill feelings, then pity her and pray for her. dont' react with the same negative emotions. even if you are just not bothering any more with being friendly, (which is what i would do to) dont' let it get to you. talk to b/f and explain how you really want your friends and sisters (or who ever) as brides maids and because of ill emotions you've picked up on you would rather not ask her. if he persist's, let him know, its not her wedding and he isn't marrying her, that its both your wedding, and to understand. you wouldn't ask him to pick your preferences for best man etc.  if you keep giving into her attitude and behavior, she will always be walking over you

anyways, in a nutshell. i say dont' give into it, don't get into name calling back, let it go, take the upper road

Answer 18

Have you ever sat down and talked to her to get to the root of the problem?  Maybe she is just protective of her brother and is not anything personal, in that case maybe you could show her that you love him and don't plan on hurting him.  I would be impressed if someone had the guts to sit me down and set things straight.  If you do ask her to be a member of the bridal party and she is bitchy, you should not let that ruin your day.  Is about the two of you, and unfortunately, you kind of marry the family as well.  

Answer 19

Sounds to me like you're much more mature than she'll ever be. With this said, don't waste your time on her childishness. You're not marrying her... you're marrying her brother and if she doesnt' like it - TOUGH!

My BF of 3 years has 2 sisters. I get along much better with the younger of the 2. I'm still friendly towards both of them but I hang out with the one I get along with more during family get-togethers.

Unfortunately in this world you have to realize that you can't make everyone happy. Live your life and don't let anyone get in the way of your happiness. :)

Answer 20

You better marry sombody else instead of ur boyfriend

Answer 21

Have you ever thought about how you come across to other people?  I'm not too keen on my future SIL either.  You should ask her what she dislikes so much about you and see if you can't iron it out.  You don't have to make her a bridesmaid.  If she doesn't like you that much, she probably wouldn't accept anyway.  And as for his mother not liking you, that's never a good thing and you may want to resolve that before getting married, but it may be because of what your future SIL thinks about you as well...

Answer 22

Since you have two years to work on this issue, I would suggest some pre-marital counseling.  This really is an issue between you and your boyfriend.  If your boyfriend's family is rude to you, what is he doing about it?  Is he saying, "You will treat her with respect or we won't spend time with you?"  Right now, it sounds like he's saying: "Be a bridesmaid!" (quite the opposite).  There are also personal issues for you to work out in counseling, b/c many people believe that marrying into a rude (or otherwise bad) family is trouble for life.  I tend to go with my first suggestion, though, which is to find out how your HUSBAND is going to deal with this for the rest of your lives.  His behavior can make a HUGE difference in your future.  

Answer 23

tell your boyfriend politely that your wedding attendants are your friends and your family.  He gets to choose his groomsmen you get to choose your bridesmaids.  It's only fair.  If she starts drama about it say "I am sorry, I already had the slots filled with people who are giant b i t c hes." lol okay do NOT say that, I was hoping I'd give you a bit of a laugh though. but just say "I'm sorry but I have asked my sister/close friend/cousin etc. already".  And ignore any other snide comments she makes.

On another note. GOOD LUCK with that family.  I hope you love your fiance A LOT because it is going to be quite an uphill battle by the sound of it.  lol.

on a side note: he needs to start standing up for you (he may already and maybe his mom and sis just don't care what he says to them) but if he doesn't.  You need to ask him "i don't feel the treat me politely or fairly and I'd really appreciate it if you could talk to them and ask them to stop.  I will be their daughter/sister in law in a couple years.

Either way, there is TONS of time to work through these relationships before your actually related.

good luck

Answer 24

Hard decision, I was in the same boat I did not invite my SIL in the wedding party, I told my husband sorry he did not agree at first but got over it.. Really you and only you can make this decision, whether mine was right or wrong I was happy.. And ever since then we have been great friends she knows I will not take her c**p..

Answer 25

Ever watch Moster in Law?? Yeah Well,this is similar to it.THESE are your fiance's family,so you have to TRY to ignore there remarks and whining.I know it's hard,but it's obvious that they are trying to get you to back out of the wedding.You  HAVE to show them that it doesn't get to you.Let the stupid sister in law to be your bridesmaid.And instead of make YOUR life h**l,make HER life h**l by picking out an ugly dress with alot of taffeta :).After the wedding they will realize that your not going anywhere and will accept you.

Answer 26

I think it's better that you talk about this with your boyfriend. I mean if he;s gonna marry you, he should put a foot down and tell his family to respect you as his fiance.

The perfect example for me was my parents. My dad didn't tell his parents and siblings to treat his wife (my mom) with respect that she deserves so I grew up seeing that my mom is treated, well, differently by my aunt and grandparents. (i.e. when she gets home tired from work, my aunt, which is my dad/s younger sister, will ask her to cook dinner for all of us). My mom grew bitter as time passed by 'coz she doesn't like the way she's being treated but she doesn't want to offend and have issues with my dad's side of the family.

It's your boyfriend's responsibility to set boundaries to his side of the family and vice versa. If he will not stand up for you now, how sure are you that he will stand up for you when you're married, right? Goodluck!

Answer 27

It's not just your day, it is also your fiance's day. If he wants her in the wedding party that bad then you should consider it.

Try not to show that her rudeness effects you. She probably loves the attention it gives her.

Answer 28

Don't worry, they will convince him that you aren't right for him before to long and you guys will break up. Find a guy whose family likes you.  

Answer 29

I have the same  problem with my sl, I had her in my wedding and she wasn't so bad.It will make her happy if you ask her and then she might be more bearable! Plus it really made my husband happy that I was the bigger person!!!! You  gotta ignore her, she just wants to be you

Answer 30

try to talk to yr boyfriend about what is happening and then try to work things out with your sister-in-law.

Answer 31

maybe that "other story" has something to do with it? it's a lot harder for moms and sister to let go of their sons/brothers than for dads and brothers to let go of their daughters/sisters. it's some b*tchy territorial thing. the crappy thing is, you probably really didn't do anything. the thing is for them, they have to eventually come around b/c you guys are getting married and you will officially be part of the family. if it's easier for them to hold a grudge than to just let their guard down, then so be it. they'll be the ones living a miserable life.

as far as her being a bridesmaid, this is something that you absolutely have to put your foot down on. it's 2 years away. think of all the drama that's going to happen between now and then! if she does eventually come around and you feel comfortable having her in your wedding, then that's when you should change your mind. good luck to you!