Don't know what to do in this situation can you help?

Question

My best friend is staying with my husband and I. We were married back in April but have lived together for a while. Anyways, My mom says it will ruin our marriage if we let a friend stay with us (ive heard this from others too) but if my hubby and I are on the same page about letting her stay ...is that ok? Also I feel she's getting ripped off..she pays 830 dollars a month on rent, she's staying with us until her ex boyfriend leaves her apartment. He was supposed to be out today but isn't and he lost his job. He lives there rent free while she pays and stays with us (its not OUR rent issue i'm worried about). She said she feels she just can't kick him out because of his children (not their children, but his from a previous marriage). She said she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she kicked him out...then she comes to me (and hubby) and cries about how big of a heart she has and she wished she didn't have it. I told her she needed to get him out of her apartment cause he's living there for free...that didn't go over too well. I feel bad and i'm there for her (hence why she's staying with us) but I feel like I can't kick her out so she goes back to that apartment with her ex.

Answer 1

Yes, this can cause problems in your marriage. Its good that you helped her out until he moved out, but the picture is clear as glass. He will not move out and she doenst want him to. If she did she would of asked him to. I would talk to your friend along with your hubby and give her a date. She has to get her life together and let you live yours as a marriage. It also sounds like she is giving you  excuses for her not to move out,. If she is so worried about her big heart, then why doesnt she look for a new apartment and move out herself. If they are no longer dating it is not her responsibility to pay for his bills. Not that it ever was. She has to stand firm and move on...but if you are helping her im afraid she wont.

Answer 2

don't do it.  all bad.  you don't know some one until you live with them.  people change all the time.  she just need to cancel her lease and shut off the electricity and gas. then he will leave with out her evicting him.  those are his kids, not her problem or yours.  dad needs to step up not you or your husbands job.

Answer 3

a 110% agree with the first poster, and i would also like to say that, if it doesnt ruin your marriage, it will certainly ruin your friendship with her.. i lived with a friend of mine for only a month... it was just until my house was done being built and my lease was up on my apartment... so she let me stay with her.. after 2 weeks i was going insane.. mind you, this woman and her hubby were 2 of my very best friends before this.. i moved out within a month and we didnt talk again for  a year... and the whole world warned me, "dont do it, you'll ruin your friendship.." i said, nnnnoooooo wwwaaayyyyy!!! LOL.. good luck

Answer 4

This is an interesting circle of events...She's paying his rent,thus enabling him to live there,free. Your allowing her to stay with you,thus enabling her to enable him...Hmm!!! Do you see where I'm going with this ?  I suggest you tell her that you care for her,but that you & your husband didn't sign on for a long term roomate,& you need your private space back, or you can be honest & let her know that her ex is using her for FREE RENT, & you don't feel it's the right thing to do....DUH ! Or,you can leave things the way they are,which I doubt that you want,or you wouldn't have asked our opinions.

Answer 5

She needs to put a foot down on this loser before things get any more crazy. He is an adult and should take car of himself. If he cannot take care of himself or his kids this is not her responsibility! Her big heart is going to 1. drive her crazy and 2. not do herself any good physically or financially.

When people cannot take care of their children they get taken away, while I know she doesn't want this to happen to those kids, they are not hers. The children's well-being needs to be first priority for the father and mother - no one else, ESPECIALLY not an ex-girlfriend! I suggest letting your friend read these responses so she gets the idea about what her "big heart" is doing to her life.

Also Chesney, as wonderful and extremely gracious it is of you to take her in and help her, this too, is not your responsibility and you should not feel any guilt or remorse for her bad decisions.

I hope your friend can muster the guts to stand up for herself.

Answer 6

So here's a scenario;

She moves in and lets say she's a slob. Starts to drive you and hubby up the wall. You know that saying "You have to leave" doesn't work if she refuses. You have to file for eviction. It's a civil issue and calling the police to eject her will net you that response. So keep that in mind before you commit.

Also...and I realize that it's probably the furthest and most impossible thought in your mind....but after a while if you're not around and she begins to wear scanty clothing around the house or signals are sent to hubby (again...when you aren't around) that end up leading to a situation you'd care not to even think about...what are you going to do.

I have no doubt you trust hubby to no end and perhaps he's a strong fellow who'd be shocked at the mere suggestion of any inappropriate behavior. But think about it. Temptation can be overwhelming sometimes given the right circumstances. Like you not home for several hours, attire being worn, looks, glances, comments and even having one drink too many decreases inhibitions.

Just bear all this in mind before you do this. sometimes the far fetched scenarios are the ones that come to fruition.