Don't want to let go of our marriage. How long do I keep trying?

Question

Married 27 years. Three great kids. The youngest is a senior in high school. My wife and I are both in our late 40s.

My wife cheated on me about 18 months ago. A wake up call for me, beginning of a downward spiral for her.

I suspect menopause, physical abuse as a child (serious) and empty nest are playing a part.

I have forgiven her and would like to spend the rest of our lives together building a new and improved relationship. I have been in counseling alone since the affair came to light. She refuses.

She has very low self esteem, says she wants nothing from me. Shows no appreciation for anything. She puts on a great show for friends and family including our adult children but it doesn't last when we are alone.

I am as loving and kind as I can be, probably spoiling her and all it earns me is no respect.

My therapist says I am a punching bag for her and as long as I am around, she will throw those daggers at me and blame me for how she feels about herself.

I am not perfect but I have always loved her, honored her and taken care of her. I have not and would not cheat on her.

No intimacy for about a year now. I have learned to live without s*x and attention period. She is at times abusive, usually angry and never happy around me.

When I ask her if she loves me, she says she does. Whe nI try to alk about a divorce, she says she doesn't want to, but encourages me to do "do whatever I want."

I have gone to the ends of the earth to do nice things, dates, trips, gifts, space, time you name it.

I am sure the affair is over but she is in a deep depression. When she does talk, she says she wants to live the rest of her life alone and have nothing to do with anyone, including me.

I ask her if she want sto divorce and she sys she "doesn't care."

My life is empty. I have lasted this long on will power but that is waning.

The woman I love is gone and an angry bitter person has replaced her. I realize that I can't control her and don't want to. We just live in this limbo where she won't commit to being together or splitting up. She is a ball of contradictions. For example, she said she felt controlled because I take care of the finances. She works part time and I am the primary bread winner. I encouraged her to take money from the joint account and open her own account, she wouldn't. I wrote her a check and asked her to go open her own account, she burned it.

She says that when our youngest leaves for colege (next June) that she is going to leave me. Not divorce me, just leave me. She says she is going to take nothing. No money, no security, nothing. She says she is going to live in a card board box under a freeway somewhere.

I am at my wits end. I love my wife and I miss the warm and caring person I have lived with for so long. I truly want to die of old age in that person's arms.

I looked for an apartment last week in order to move out and try giving her more "space." (my idea, not hers, she says "I don't care, do whatever you want."). The first question the landlord asked me was: "Are you single?" Just about floored me. Looking at those empty apartments and thinking of the loneliness there made me hurry back to my very nice, well kept home and my angry wife.

I know I need to take care of myself but I am deeply concerned for her well being too. Sometimes I think if we separate, she will be able to decide what she is going to do with the rest of her life. As it is, she finds (makes up) a new reason to hate me every day. She has no recollection of any good times in 27 years and raising three great kids. I assure you there were many and we have the photos and videos to prove it.

I have expressed my regret for the issues I brought to the marriage including depression and a work-a-holic tendency. I sincerely regret the mistakes I have made and have apologized for them. She acknowledges that I am a changed man and have learned to share and give and communicate. All for naught she says, because she can't forgive me for "cheating her out of her life." Missed dance lessons in 1986, a fight during a vacation in 2000, terrible memories (for her) of our wedding day are repeated over and over and the force of the anger never seems to wane.

Is she ill? AM I naive? Is it noble or stupid to keep trying to save this marriage?

I am afraid that another 6 months or year of this and I will be so angry and resentful that a chance of any relationship wil be gone.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How didi it turn out? What advice do you have for me?

Answer 1

Sounds like my ex gf.

She had esteem issues

I am slim and she was cubby nad getting bigger but that did not matter to me.

It is like she felt like she was not good enough in a way. I help her out sooooooooo much. then one day she lied and lied and cheated on me. I told her I was done and walked away. She had a omg but sad look on her face. She knew then I was not playing around lol.

I was tired to reassuring her time and time again. It kind of got on my nerves. I am happier single again. No more catering to a person who dont want to put in the effort. It was like I was putting in 80 percent and she was giving 3. I guess I should had dumped her faster.

we were together for 2 1/2 years.

Answer 2

I hope I can give you some insights. This is hormonal h**l and transitioning to empty-nest. Some people have a very difficult time transitioning into a new awareness about their past, present and future. They take it out on everyone around them. They are spiraling out of control. Chronic low-grade depression may be a factor. Like a teenager, she is pushing and pulling and not knowing where she will go. She is trapped in a no-man's land and just lashing out. She loves you and hates you and loves and hates herself too. If she pushes you away for good, she will always regret it. I think she needs therapy asap. The remarks about her leaving everything and just running off are so classic as far as midlife issues. She feels less needed, she feels like she has to find a meaningful direction, she feels lost. She has a lot to sort out. I think a therapist can help her through this rocky road if she is willing. You are really stuck and feeling helpless and watching the train wreck - I do admire your love for her and the fact you are hanging in there.  I would say if she is unwilling to go for counseling, that you need to inform her you are out. I think she is now acting like a spoiled brat and needs a wakeup call - perhaps a separation. If she is borderline suicidal, then you need to tell your therapist so a plan can be made.  I wish you well.  

Answer 3

This can be quite complicated if you want it or it can be very simple. your wife apparently does not know what she has. she is unhappy with her situation and her primary focus is all the negative in the relationship. where as you focus on the happy and the fruits of your marriage. i think living your home for a while without her would be the best thing to do. take a trip without you wedding ring feel single again. go on a vacation give every one short notice. take about a month from life's routine and go somewhere you have never been and enjoy life cause you do need a break from everything. When you return if you still wanna make it work go for it and try this link

http://romancecures.com/

Answer 4

so sorry that u are going through this. but seems to me that she is unhappy for what ever reason. u in the mean time need to find happines b/c u cannot keep sacraficing your happiness for hers especially if she is not willing to come around. maybe she is going through seperation anxiety her babies are gone well almost. i dont know dude. she had an affair was that what made her depressed when it ended or was she that way before the affair. try talking to her to see what her true feelings are about the marriage i believe when ahe says to u that she does not care maybe she really does but cannot figure out how to truly tell u

Answer 5

First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through this with your wife.  It sounds like to me, she may be Bi-Polar or have some sort of chemical imbalance.  A lot of these conditions do not manifest themselves until, say, menopause time.  You are a punching bag right now for her, because she does not expect you to leave.  I bet if you really did decide to find your back bone, and leave, she would be so suprised and beg you to stay, and tell you she would do anything you wanted her to, ie counseling ect.  Just a little clue as well, women do not respect men that let them walk all over them.  It is a turn off, seriously, and they treat them like c**p.  Women respect men who know who they are and what they want.  If you do end up moving out, and it backfires on you, then at least you have a chance at being happy.  Life's short my man, dont forget it could be over tomorrow, and you're completely miserable.  Things only change when someone decides to change them, right?

Answer 6

my brother went through the same thing,but he finally said he could not take anymore and rented a nice trailer.he also contacted a lawyer to see what he would expect with a divorce because he felt as though she was cheating on him.they had no comunication,fighting all the time,no sexual relationshiphe finally had enough and left now she calls him more and they have more s*x than ever.it just took him to show her that he could not take any more! yes he was by him self to he said that he would get a little lonely but he said he would rather be that way instead of fighting all the time,he just proved a point and it worked!!

Answer 7

too long .you shld write a book

Answer 8

Wow that's alot to take in. I think your correct when you say its a combination of empty nest syndrome, depression and menopause.  I'm going through a similar situation with my husband, he too has suddenly turned cruel and insensitive. I know that you don't want to leave, because its too hard to let go of something that you have worked on for so long. Theres no point in talking about it because everything that needs to be said has been said, by both of you. Its tough but maybe its time to scoot along. to a single gal, your personality would be very attractive. its hard to imagine but you could find the love and peace in another relationship. It just takes courage to go that extra step.