The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have an excellent sense
of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I
have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then
just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the
street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney -
can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles,
take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes
in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in
Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about
hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent
south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not.. oh forget it. ..... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night
in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia?
(USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.
Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (
UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir
schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country
bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (
UK)
A: You're a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is
milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of
vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk
is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia
who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is
where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal
in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called
because they drop out
of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? ( France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is
the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans
gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania
where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, g*y nightclubs
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?
(France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R R, and
I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her
by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places
I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
I laughed SOOO Hard at this!
(As well as "One Tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!")
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