Don't you think the fighting between the 'sides' has gone too far?

Question

Personally, I think it's getting out of hand, every answer now seems to be filled with sarcasm, hatred, anger and blame.

Often, people are using questions that have no relevence to their own situations to post their sarcastic and often cruel comments. This happens on both sides, I know, but there are a select few users who do this the most.

I think this place needs to become more about respect, learning and education, rather than hatred and blame.

Anyone else agree? Truce?

Answer 1

I completely 100% agree with you, but I have to admit its a tad hard to believe you really mean it when you pick this as a best answer "they are bitter, hostile, hateful and blame everyone else for their problems instead of looking in the mirror and getting therapy. They don't have the capacity to take responsibility for their actions because they don't have a conscience." It really hurt that you think saying we're all bitter, hostile, hateful, blame others, need therapy and don't have a conscience was the best thing anyone said in that thread. Isn't that a little mean? You said no one gave you an answer, when Dawacky and others gave brilliant answers.

I'm going to keep on posting answers to people the very best that I can to try to help people, and ignore as much of this as I can. I do think we should get back to educating and helping instead of hurling insults and hating each other. I just hope that you realize that things like that are a part of why it continues.

Answer 2

What is all this about "sides?"

There is only one side adults should be on when it comes to adoption: the side of the child.  That is the only "side" I am on.

Answer 3

Wow, this question is really rich given the question you asked the other day and the 'best answer' you chose.  

Respect?  There is very little respect being shown to us adoptees as far as I can see.  Our stories and feelings are very real and relevant to all aspects of adoption, because after all, we are the adults who were the adopted children that you all are talking about.  Excuse me, but I don't like seeing adoption being discussed like you're buying a side of beef, it's hurtful and diminishes adoptees to chattel.  People posing questions need to be tactful and aware that adoptees are human beings.  THAT would be respectful.

Answer 4

I too think that things can be very hurtful and hateful here. I don't think I have really attacked anyone unless I felt it necessary to make my point. (Noodles anyone?) Mothers are disrespected here, adoptees are disrespected here,  I would like to know why? Because we speak a different truth than they do? Because our reality is so different than theirs? I try my best to answer honestly, and to speak from my experience and my truth. That truth makes others uncomfortable, and frankly it should make them uncomfortable. My reality (many mothers realities) is very different than they have been taught it was. It wasn't a win for me, or for my daughter. It was pain, and anger and gut wrenching sorrow for both of us. My speaking out is an effort to educate, nothing more, nothing less. We are constantly told what we should feel, what we should believe and how we should feel. Adoptees are told the same things. Silly isn't it? You can't force others to feel things they don't feel. Nor can you force them to learn. I for one would like it very much to not be attacked when I speak.

A truce would be an excellent thing, but it will only work if both sides are willing to listen. Frankly I don't know if it will work, but it is worth a shot. If everyone is willing to listen and not judge.

Answer 5

I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!  I ALWAYS TRY TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS AS NICELY AS POSSIBLE  THAT I KNOW I CAN GIVE SOME KIND OF INPUT TO HELP SOMEONE WITH..NOT RUDE REMARKS AND COMMENTS ABOUT GRAMMAR..

Answer 6

understood.  however, i must respectfully decline your request.  

for if it was truly education that's desired, the young lady's post (a healing adoptee) would NEVER have been deleted.  this young woman has done nothing but come on this forum to seek others who share her experience. an experience that unfortunately might make some uncomfortable. every post i've read of hers is innocuous and is premised with disclaimers such as "i loved my aparents"  "i'm sorry if i offended anybody by saying flesh and blood."  

the post was a response to another, highly charged post. yet for some reason, the post that generated her deleted one (which in my opinion had comments which were full of immaturity and bigotry) remains.

emotionally-charged topics--especially those with a history of disenfranchisement--are not easily dismissed by a handshake.  try telling the jews to call a truce with the germans, the african slaves to call a truce with the white slave owners, the native-americans to call a truce with the settlers who slaughtered and raped their women.

adoption has caused "soul-wounds" as deep than just about any human atrocity in history. to say that we should all shake hands and play nice marginalizes those experiences.

adoptees are hurting from their natal separation. b/f/n-moms who have been silenced for years now can speak out.

we are aware of the adoptive parents’ side.  h**l, every talk-show tells how wonderful adoption is; hence everyone just marches in lock-step with the "adoption is a loving, selfless choice" banter. but, when b/f/n-moms, adoptees or others with not-so-nice experiences of the system, speak out, we are called zealots, n***s (which by the way are highly offensive) and wish that all children live in abusive homes.

quite honestly, i am not overly concerned about the tone of the board. i am a believer that controversy drives reform.  maybe if a few more postings pop up which shine a critical eye on the propagandized adoption industry, some reform can take place.

without struggle, there is no progress--f. douglass

in other words, only those with tough-skin need to play in this arena.

Answer 7

Sure - I agree.  How about you go first and apologize for this - http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

??????

Waiting.

Answer 8

I haven't been able to answer a lot lately, but I have been reading, and quite frankly have been appalled at some of the remarks coming from the pasta-related member of the board.

Really, I haven't seen much animosity coming from the so-called "angry adoptees" other than to try to educate on the negative aspects of adoption.  And they have, quite overwhelmingly, been doing so in a respectful manner.

If it is hard for anyone to hear about the bad side of adoption, perhaps they should stop and do some serious self-reflection, and try to understand just why it is so hard to swallow...instead of blaming the messenger, hmm?

Namaste.

Answer 9

I have never insulted you, or made cruel comments to you, that would be your style.

If you want to reform, I applaud you.

Weemee represents your point of view well.

Answer 10

Lmao!  Oh God, well at least you can say you're the bigger person here sweetie!  Leave the mindless morons to it, and DON'T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE for anything you've said!

Some people are too wrapped up in their own bitterness and hatred to see anything but that.

ETA:  To (most of) the other answers, who posted links suggesting she apologize for those questions you listed:  Sorry, but I don't see any anger or bitterness, hatred or sarcasm in ANY of those posts.  

I do however, see a lot in yours........

Answer 11

I willingly admit to posting two comments that could be considered inflammatory. I will not apologize for them. The comments I posted were a fight of flight defense to inflammatory comments posted in regards to adoptees and natural parents sharing their side of the adoption story. I do not feel that I had written anything prior to those comments that could justify such a harsh assumption of adoptees and/or natural families. The generalizations that have previously been made in regards to these two groups are both unfounded and unnecessary. They appeared to have been made with little actual thought but rather an intent to stir up a certain demographic of the adoption population.

I have also posted well written and compassionate responses to all sides of the "triad", agencies not included as I never have nor will have a positive thing to say about financial gains made off of adoption. I have tried to be articulate and make my point without causing undue grief even when I was making a point that had the potential to hurt the feeling of a person or group. Much of the negative posts made have been unneeded, it would have been more productive to send a certain user a message rather than accuse all of us of insane posts. Nowhere have I seen malicious intent from an adoptee or natural parent. I have however seen emotional responses to bigoted posts claiming that we have set out to "ruin" this area of Yahoo Answers, or that we have been so cruel as to drive people to the brink of suicide. Perhaps I missed a post or two, I kind of doubt it though.

I accept that you may have begun to see "our" side of the story but please accept that I always have seen the other side. I love my adoptive parents very much and have always been able to see their pain at infertility and their joy at adopting my brother and I.

*** I'm done being nice. If you should choose to "quote" me then make sure you are accurate!!! Please find my response to the person asking if the bio dad could gain custody of his child http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;... and read my answer again. THIS TIME I QUOTE AND I DO IT PROPERLY

*ahem* Andraya wrote "Your family will grieve the loss, his adoptive parents will reapply at the agency and in time life will go on." Where the eff do you see me saying they will get over it? They won't, I know that. They will grieve the loss and move onward.

Mind you I am the one who is told to get over it and by people here no less. Maybe not me directly but natural mom's in general.

Wanna know how long I parented my son? TWENTY TWO BLOODY MONTHS!!! Add on to that the 32.5 weeks he was inside me, add on to that the pain of watching my newborn son flat line and be CLINICALLY DEAD at 13 hours and 9 minutes old for 2 minutes 16 seconds. Did I mention I was SEVENTEEN! I brought him home with a bradycardia monitor as well as a nebuliser and a sleep apnea monitor. I monitored his waking and sleeping heart rates for 11 months. Do I sound like I had a freaking holiday? Do I not deserve some respect? If only for keeping him alive for his adopters to get, by means of coercion, at 21 months????

Yeah WTFE!

Answer 12

Yup you would be amongst the 'select few who do it the most'

Apology accepted

Answer 13

?

People argue over adoption? What is there to possibly argue about?

Answer 14

I agree. Especially after my question was reported. It was innocent, there was no malice behind it. BUT because someone didn't agree with me, they decided to report the question. Like you, I do welcome differences of opinion. I think that people should have a well rounded view of adoption. But  the attackes have gotten to be personal, and there is no need for that.

Answer 15

Oh this is just brilliant coming from someone who just two days ago posted this:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

and then after picking what you consider the best answer you state "those people still refuse to answer the question" when in fact many of the people whom I'm sure you were talking about DID INDEED answer your question.

Answer 16

I thought it got out of hand several weeks ago when adoptees were being called n***s and stalkers and  being told they should have been sterilized at birth.

I also think it is interesting that a certain person on one "side" is asking question of the "antis", most of whom are blocked by her and then claiming that we are too chicken to answer her questions.  What's up with that?

I would answer her questions if she would let me.

I am all for respect, learning and education but is seems that one or two bad apples are really spoiling this for everyone.

The nasty comments are coming from a few and personally, I think its coming from one person in particular.

Maybe we should start there.

Answer 17

When I first came to the adoption forum, I was here to offer assistance to potential adoptive families or parents who were waiting to bring their child home.  I was also here to give my support to those bio parents who needed to hear "positive" things about adoption.  I stopped coming to the forum for awhile because of personal issues with my son's health, and when I returned, I was overwhelmed with the amount of anger and hatred spewing from ALL sides at each other.  

We all have our own feelings; we are all passionate about adoption in one way or another - either for or against it.  We need to find a way to share that passion with each other in a productive way to help each other - not hurt each other.  

I have 7 cousins who were placed into foster care and eventually adopted.  Only 3 have success stories.  That is sad.  Yet, my own experience with adoption has been an absolute blessing.  I believe because of the bad experiences my cousins had, it allows me to be a better parent to my son because I want him to have the things they didn't....the support, the love, the explanations, etc.  

Through sharing our experiences with each other, we can grow.  We just need to make sure that the sharing is constructive not destructive.