Donations for adoption do you think this is rude?

Question

I just received a letter in the mail from my husbands brother and his wife, they have been ttc for a couple of years and went through a couple of rounds of in vitro. Anyway, this letter was asking for donations to help them with their adoption, they are going through a local adoption agency, and just waiting for an answer.

I guess the reason why I am so offended is because we have three kids and live on one income and have never asked for help from anyone, and second, they both work, she gets, weekly pedicures and massages,and last year they took a trip to Amsterdam and Rome, so they were already going through the invitro and chose to spend their money on this trip, and now they want donations to pay for their baby?

Should I even respond to the letter, or just not mention it?

Answer 1

I think it is a bit, uh, tacky, yes.....regardless of their financial status.  Them being financially "able" just makes it all the more difficult to swallow.  I don't think I would say anything about it. This will just cause problems. If they ASK you your thoughts about it...I would be honest - polite and tactful, but honest.

It almost feels like a bridal registry...or is it me?  If we add to the pot of money do we get a chance at naming the child?  kidding.

Answer 2

I'm with you.

They blew their money on IVF and now want you to pony up for their adoption?

Fuggetaboutit!

If they can't afford it now, they won't be able to afford it later.  KWIM?

Next, you'll be hit up to provide daycare for this kid...just wait.

I'd ignore it.  If she mentions it just say, "Oh, I'd like to help, but as you know, we're on one income, and I can't even remember the last time I had a pedicure!"  That should shut her up.

Answer 3

Titanically rude and entitled of them.  Unless, of course, they paid some of your pre-natal and birth-related expenses.  Didn't think so!

Ignore it.

Answer 4

I'd tell them that all of your family funds are tied up in raising your own family.

I feel that if you want to give, then do it, but asking is tacky and rude.

Answer 5

I wouldn't be too angry about it.  It is only natural for them to do this.  When it comes to raising a child it is pretty much the same whether a child is adopted or "natural".

The up front cost of an adoption can be horrendous.  I'm sure they believed that the people they know and love would want to help, in some small way, to further their family and provide a good home for this child.

However, I do agree that the lifestyle that you describe before they decided to adopt needs to be curtailed.  As you know, you can't be selfish and be a good parent, whether your child was born to you or adopted.

Answer 6

That's just downright inappropriate.

Regardless of "what they have been through" with IVF, the IVF and the adoption are a CHOICE they are making.  They CHOSE to go through it, and are CHOOSING to adopt now.

It would be different to ask for money to get out of a situation that they had NO CONTROL over, but this?  This is their choice, no one forced them to go through IVF nor did anyone force them to adopt.

Gee, I'd like a shiny new car, you don't know how HARD it has been for me to drive my old beater, for years now.  Will you give me some money to buy it?  (How is this request any different, except we're not talking human lives here).

Answer 7

You have no idea what these people have gone thru to do what has come naturally to you.   If it is about the money just ignore it.  It was a little tacky but they have been thru so much.

Answer 8

As a general idea, I think it is okay.  Private adoption is expensive and it makes sense to ask for help from family.

This to me isn't an adoption issue, but rather an issue of how appropriate it is for them to ask you for money, regardless of the cause.  

If I were you I would send a card or make a call saying, "Great to hear you are thinking to adopt", and explain that you don't have money to spare.  You might also suggest that if money is an issue there are other options, specifically, adopting kids who are in foster care.  That option cost little or nothing.

Answer 9

i would ignore them.

Answer 10

I personally don't think it is rude, as long as they are doing it with close family members and friends.  It is not like they are forcing you to give them money.

Although in their situation it doesn't sound like they need the money... I mean their spending sounds a little out of control.

Answer 11

I would send them a note to offer your emotional support in their decision to adopt but are unable to provide a donation.

I personally think their request is rude and tasteless.

Answer 12

My opinion is yes, it's inconsiderate for any adults to expect other adults to pay their expenses for anything.  I'm sure you did not contact them to pay your hospital bill when any of your 3 children were born, and you have budgeted those expenses on one income.  True, agencies and attorneys exploit those looking to adopt other people's children.  Still, you need not feel obligated to play a part in that.

It looks like they are having problems creating budgets, setting priorities, and living within their means.  I would not feel obligated to finance their adopted child for them.  Don't feel bad about it either.  If they really feel they need a child they will find a way to cut back their lifestyles, sell some of their assets, or go through a foster child program instead.  I also question their ability to be able to afford a child if they cannot even afford the fees.  So many people buy into the notion that adopted kids are so much better off when that's not necessarily the case.

If I were you, I would not feel a need to justify your decision to them.  It's not likely they will question why you did not finance their adoption dream.

julie j

Answer 13

This is flat out tacky.  

Send them a note hoping that everything goes well for them with the adoption and to please let you know if they have a shower so that you can send them a gift.  

You can also visit justgive.org and make a donation to a children's charity in their name.

Added:  It's rude to give money to someone who really needs it?  A well off family writes you begging for money and you are rude to give it to someone who really needs it??  Sounds like some people's priorities and rude meters are considerably off.

Answer 14

Don't respond. If they ask again, tell them you thought it was a joke.  If further asked, bring up your points about the trip and the wasteful spending.

Answer 15

I'm going with, Yeah it's tacky to ask for DONATIONS, but a fund raiser is different. You know something they put some kind of effort into, but it would have to be sponsored by a friend or something, kinda like a baby shower.

this should  only be done  if there is an  immediate need, like a family member is wanting another family member to adopt their child, and they need the expences covered. But not just 'cause someone wants a baby.

Answer 16

I think your worries are valid. They don't really have business getting manicures and such if they really really want to adopt they would adjust their budget. Also, if they need donations can they afford to care for the kid in the first place?

Answer 17

I don't think it is rude. They thought invtro would work and now they are broke that cost like 10,000 each time.  Instead of what you would give for Christmas give them cash or nothing.  Private adoption is expensive they are just trying to build a family.  YOu  can't blame people for that

Answer 18

Yes, it is rude.

so it really depends on your relationship with them if you want to respond or not.  (or how you respond)

A nice response would be...We recieved your letter, but are unable financially to help you out.  Best of luck.

Answer 19

I would ignore it.

Answer 20

I feel what they did was tacky but its probably best that you just ignore it.  You can be supportive in other ways, like throwing a baby shower after the baby is adopted and comes home.

If anyone does mention the letter to you, dont go into how you think its tacky just simply say that you wish them every ounce of luck but right now you and your husband are unable to send them money.

Answer 21

I think that their letter is completely tacky and insensitive.

If they could afford trips to Europe last year, weekly pedicures and massages, and who knows what else, they have absolutely no business asking family members for donations.  Unfortunately, if they are clueless enough to send out the letter, they probably won't "get it" even if you try to explain why you can't donate to their cause.

So...I'd just ignore the letter.  If they bring it up to you, I'd say something along the lines of what sunny suggested.  That should get the point across.  :)

Answer 22

I think it depends on the situation.  If they truely blow money on things all the time and are now asking you to help, then yeah, maybe it is rude.  However, I know what it is like to try to save money for an adoption.  I have been making things to sell, instead of asking people for donations.  On the other hand, I wouldn't hesitate to send a donation to someone in my circle of family or friends for an adoption.  That is just me though.  If you feel that you can't afford to help, or don't want to help, then don't.  But I wouldn't make them feel badly about it.  I would just explain to them that you don't feel you are in a position to help with the expenses but really hope everything works out for them.  

I don't know if you give gifts for the holidays or birthdays to these people, but if you do, maybe you can give them the money you would spend on a present and specifically tell them it is for their adoption fund.  That way, you are still helping them and you money would have been spent on a gift anyway.  Just an idea.  

No matter how offended you are (and you have a right to your feelings), just make sure that you support them emotionally during this process.

Answer 23

Personally, I feel fundraising for an adoption is tacky.

Answer 24

I agree w/ you, it would be different maybe if they really had no money and no possible way to ever save up for adoption and  desperately wanted a child, but it just sounds like they are being greedy now.

Answer 25

How rude to give to a donation in their name.. what a slap in the face! . I personally would give them something even 20$ would help. If you cannot donate them something then a letter offering your prayers, or best wishes. If you are truly offended then first off I say you are too sensitive and then just toss the letter.